Please Listen...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inpain, Jun 30, 2009.

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  1. inpain

    inpain New Member

    i don't know why i'm on here...something inside told me to find some place where i could just try and get some of my sanity i guess that's why i'm here...

    i'm tired of living in pain...emotional, physical, mental...all of it...i'm just tired of it...i'm 25 yrs old and a total failure with my life...i did the Army thing only to lose friends 'over there'...but i even failed over there...i came home becuz of an illness and the guy who took my spot in my truck (my best friend) is one who died...that was back in 2003...everyday since has been miserable...i suffered back and neck injuries while i was in and medically discharged...i loved my job in the Army...i was a proud Military Police officer...but everything since i was 18 has just sucked...except for having that marriage fell apart after i got out of the military...i lost my job at the prison i worked at becuz i saw corrupt officers doing corrupt things (like beating inmates and trafficking drugs) and they decided to get rid of me...i had to move in with my parents and then i couldn't do the college love of my life just dropped me...i can't go thru that pain shattered my world the first time...i don't know what to do with life is in shambles and i feel like i'm reaping all the seeds i've sown in my life and i just can't handle life being like this is all my fault...i've failed miserably in life and don't want to keep doing it back and neck injuries ruined me to a point where i was once a D-1 college football recruit and an athletic, durable soldier to where now i'm a slow, over weight shell of my former self...i'm in constant pain all over my body becuz of these injuries, but i never took pain pills fearing that i would get addicted to them...ironic how now i wish i had some to take....all i ever wanted was to be a police officer and when i was one, is when i was at my most happiest...i see that that dream is now was the only thing i ever wanted to be growing up...and i loved being a cop in the's a dead dream....i feel like i have no future...and the one person who believed in girlfriend...the love of my life...the first girl i've had a really great relationship with since the ex wife (except this one was a helluva lot better) is now over with and will never happen again...i was once told i was full of potential and could do anything with my life...i squandered that away...i hate who i am...i hate who i've become....everyday is a struggle....and i'm thinking that ending it all would be the best for everyone that loves me and sees me struggling with life...i just don't want to hurt anymore....i'm buried in pain....i dunno what to do....all i know is that i'm losing the will to fight slowly, but surely...i was raised to believe suicide is a sin...that it is never the the days go on and i have nothing in my life, i see it becoming the best option....i've always tried to be a good man and smile...but i've lost my smile...i just can't fake it past is riddled with all sorts of violent images and stupid mistakes....i guess that about covers it....thanks for listening.
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi inpain :hug: firstly, welcome to SF, i'm glad you've found us!
    i'm sorry so much has happened to you but it's not your fault - the injuries, your friends, it's not your fault, so please don't believe that :heart:
    do you have a therapist you can talk to? if not i think you would benefit from it - you sound like you need to get a lot of this off your chest and explained to you that life can be better than it has been. however, we are also here to help you - get you back on your feet as it were :hug: and if you ever need someone to talk to i'm here :smile:
    as you said, no matter how much of a good option it may seem right now, suicide is something you've been brought up to believe is not an option - and you should stick to that. there is always another side, another way out and you just have to find that.
    relationships are tough enough but when they've been built on trust and belief they are so much harder to let go of, but the pain from this will pass, it will :hug:
    as for your injuries, have you seen a doctor about them recently? you can get physiotherapy for pains and it can make life so much easier .. plus it will help you picture a goal and at the end you will be able to see how much you've achieved :smile:
    i know this may sound harsh but there are so many more people, to make friends with, to build relationships with, to love, to care - you don't need to forget about those you've lost but realise they weren't the be-all and end-all.
    and as for your job - there are other ways you can enter the police force - you have history working for them (and a clean record it seems), plus with physio and a therapist you can get yourself back on track and look forward to a brighter future.
    please don't give up on yourself :hug:
    you're worth so much more than that :heart: thinking of you
    triggs xx
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. There are so many of us here struggling with similar issues. I have seen many come through here that have much less hope than you do of getting your life back together.

    You did the right thing at the prison. But that doesn't mean you can't go back to work in some capacity as a guard at another prison or into security officer positon at a private firm.

    Take some time to think about how you want to proceed. I know you are overwhelmed with feelings of pain right now but they will pass. You will get over the lost love and there will be more. I know you can't see it right now but you will.

    Also see a doctor about your physical pain. Yes, there is a chance of addiction but I know of a friend who takes several pain pills a day and has for almost 20 years and functions fine, managing a fast food outlet. I also take pain pills for my back problems and have no problem with them and no withdrawl symptoms. Pain pills aren't the answer to everything but I would suggest you see a therapist for you phshological issues and an M.D. for your pain issues.

    Until then, take the time while you're with your parents to think things through a bit. You are young and have a great chance at a long, happy life.

    Feel free to send me a private message if you wish. I've been "around the block" a few times as they say.

  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF. I don't really have much advice for you right now i just thought i'd drop in and say welcome and that if you ever need a shoulder to lean on my pm box is always open :hug:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Inpain welcome to the forum!! All is not lost.. You can go down to your local police or sheriffs office and apply for a civilian job.. I know they hire people for certain positions..Alot of them use civilians as dispatchers..With your background you will have a good chance of getting in..Some use civiliains for community service positions..Just don't give up.. You might think about using your benefits to go back to school..I also was medically discharged and received benfits for school but I waited to long and lost the benefit..I wish you luck..
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