please please help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by trfc06, Oct 22, 2012.

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  1. trfc06

    trfc06 Member

    dont know why im writing this really, dont think anyone can help. re my last post my beautiful wife has tried her hardest to stay with me, she has done everything to help, we have tried to work through it, but i feel her becoming more distant every hour, and i know she cant forgiver me, and wont be able to stay with me. the only person in 45 years that actually cared about me in any way, and now she is going from me. im overwhelmed with the pain again, feel so so empty, i hope someone on here understands, because i cant explain the despair and blackness. The pain is none stop and the nightmares have started again, constanly trying to dial the number to my wife but failing every time, over and fucking over. The voices saying to end it all are none stop as well, and after last time, i happily admit that when i was dying it felt so so nice. Nothing mattered, there was no pain, no lonliness, no hollow, no tears, no stress. It was lovely, and that is so so tempting. I am empty now, cant seem to see the way at all, i am so lost, and the only person who can show me the way is the person i have hurt and betrayed so much. I dont want to die, i really really dont. I want to stay here, but i feel like im losing. I want to stay for her, but i need help, any fucking help, but there is no-one to help me. Im sorry if this annoys anyone, im so sorry. feels like my brain is broken, never mind my spirit or my heart. But i want to stay, i dont want them to win. Please please please someone tell me to not think it any more, i need to know that i should stay, im so so sorry for asking, really am. dont even make sense to myself, so how can anyone else undertand. Please please help me. so sorry if i have annoyed you, sorry
     
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    We all care about you here, what's making you feel this bad? :hug: You've not annoyed anyone here :hug:
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please keep holding on. :hug: What's happened to bring you to this point?
     
  4. trfc06

    trfc06 Member

    Thank you for the replies, i do appreicate them, really. dont really know why i write on here, as i know no-one can help me. I have been an evil, ugly horribile person to the one person who cares and i cant take that back. I have so much shit inside me that i have tried to push away and try to look like a man. But having it eating away at me for so long meant that i have spent the last 5 years at least pushing the one person who cares away. Dont know what to do to cope with the feelings inside any more, or the voices. All they do all fucking day and night is tell me there is only one way to solve this problem. I just keep telling them to fuck off, and even now i still hide it all and try to look normal and act strong. But i feel like im losing my mind, it really really hurts. I cant fix it with my wife and i love her so so much. basically she thinks i have been with someone else, trust me she has enought things i have done to believe that. But i have never never been with anyone, but how do you prove something that hasnt happened? I have done the worst things you could ever imagine to her, really evil low things. But she has stood by me all the time, all the fucking time. But i have hurt her so much its unreal, the guilt is killing me, and the guilt from letting my daughter down is just as bad. She didnt even see my face and i let her down, what a piece of shit am i. Please no-one reply to this i dont deserve any sympthay, i deserve loathing. All y life that is all i have had, and i know why. Been told from the day i was born that everyone wished i hadnt been, all day every day. They made me carry my dead grans body down the stairs, when she was the only one who thought i deserved to be in the world. i was only 10 and i think about it all the time. my first wife killed my baby and then laughed in my face while with the man who went to the abortion clinic with her. All these and more things are eating away at me and i have never told anyone, not even my beautifull wife. I have tried to act confident, cocky and strong. But all the time every night i pray to god to not let me wake up. I wish 100 times a day that i was dead. I say 1000 times a day that i would be better off dead. But never told my wife, just pushed her away so she wouldnt think i was a looney. What a piece of shit i am. Then when all hope was gone 4 weeks ago i went to the tree and waited to die. Less than 1 minute away from her, but hidden, i waited there for an hour while i died, and all i did was smile. the only time the voices, thoughts and pain was gone, it felt so nice. Never thought anyone would save me, but by a miracle she saved me in so many ways and i finally woke up. But now when i look into her face all i see is the pain she has, and i know she will leave me. i had got used to being alone, living inside. but now after 4 weeks of being loved and needed, to have it all taken away will be so much more than i will be able to fght. All i do is feel the pain andfight the voices. but when she is with me the voices shut up, but only she can save me and she will be gone. I really really dont want to die, but i have no strenth left, such a fucking coward. I am in work now and its all i can do to keep appearing normal. go the loo 10+ times a day to fight them and the tears. sorry, so fucking sorry. i know no-one can help, but i am trying anything, just need some advice on how to push the voices and thoughts out and tell them to fuck off. so sorry if i annoy anyone, dont meant to.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You DO deserve help and support. I know we can't exactly take away the pain. But we can be here to listen, to offer you support, to give you a safe place where you can get out the feelings that need to come out. You don't have to go through this completely alone.

    Have you considered trying therapy? It might help you, but it might also show your wife that you're genuinely trying to fix things, to get back on the right track. It's possible that if she sees you're trying, she may be more willing to try and work things out. But you have to give her time... and I know that's a lot easier said than done.

    Please continue to fight the voices. You deserve to live, and you can do this! Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever feel like talking.
     
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    trfc06, your background sounds like it was very hard on you and has left you sad, confused, angry, and hopeless. Your wife sounds like a caring and intelligent woman. Your sense of guilt may be blinding you to how much she could understand and how willing she would be to forgive you. The voices can't tell you what your wife thinks, only your wife can do that.

    I found myself really concerned that you had a bad childhood (e.g., carrying your gran's body - Oh, how unfair and awful for you!) and that it stills weighs on you heavily and that you hear voices that tell you to off yourself. Have you ever talked to your doctor about these things? Sometimes talking to a doctor or counsellor can help us begin to unravel our feelings and confusion. A doctor will also know about meds that can help with the voices...I hope you will consider talking to your doctor to see what help she or he can offer you.

    Whatever you choose to do in that regard, I am glad you are here and posting. I hope you keep sharing with us. Please be and stay safe. :hug:
     
  7. trfc06

    trfc06 Member

    Thank you so much for the reply and the PM Wildcherry, i really do appreciate them, i hope you know that. I am waiting to get some therapy, i will do anything to stay here. But it all takes so long, and the fear, pain and voices are so constant and strong. I have to admit that they only things keeping me going are the little bit of hope that she will stay, and the thought that when she goes i will be able to stop the pain the same day. I know she doesnt understand, but i have done nothing but google it for weeks and im certain that i have been suffering from depression and paranoia for years and i didnt seek help, so it has gone so much worse. All for the sake of not appearing weak, pathetic. because i have put this front on she will find it impossibile to believe the reasons i did what i did. I have just spoken to her and i can think and see so clearly now, but when she goes, even if she nips the loo, its like im thinking through glue, i hope someone understands that? Its like she flicks a switch in me. I really really want to stay here for her, but i know that next time i wont choose a slow way. I know she wouldnt be able to save me again, so it would be very quick, i dont want to mess with her head. But i will try everything first to keep here and to keep with her, i will fight so hard. I know i have an illness and i hope they can fix me, but im so scared all the time of giving in. I cant explain it, and i still try to put an act on, i really hope you understand. Sorry. I come on here to ask for ways to help me fight it, i know there must be better ones than i have as i feel i am losing every day. I dont even remeber periods of time when im not with her, thats how fucked upi am. I wish i could be stronger for her, but i feel over matched, and i am so tired of it. im sorry, i dont mean to annoy or upset anyone, im not seeking attention, i just want some help please? only 2 hours untill i see her and i feel stronger, so thanks again, and i hope you dont mind me posting on here?
     
  8. trfc06

    trfc06 Member

    Thank you Acy, really do appreciate it. As i have posted i am seeking help, but it seems so slow. And my wife is the most caring person you will ever meet, so so lovely, but even she has her limits. The guilt is so so hard. I hate feeling sorry for myself re my childhood, but i need to get over that. I always used to think pull myself together, but that thinking has led me to this situation. I have done anything and everything in the past to distract myself from the voices, but this is what has led to the current problems. Now i am trying to fight them by myself with her help, but i am a weak person and i am losing. Cant explain how nice it felt while i was dying, thats whats scaring me so much. Posting on here seems to help, so i hope people dont mind? Just to write down how i feel and people read it who understand to a degree, so thanks. feeling ok at the moment, seeing her soon. and it is only her, even seeing my kids that i love so so much, doesnt help. Just makes me feel even more like a failure. but anyway, if people dont mind, i will post again tomorrow when im in work because that seems like when the voices are really loud. Thanks again
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know getting help takes a while, and that's so frustrating... especially when you want and need it now. You aren't weak or pathetic at all, it's okay to need help.

    I do understand what you're saying, and you have nothing to apologize for. The best things I can suggest during those times where you're not sure you can fight, are to log on here and reach out for someone to talk to, and call a crisis line. You don't have to be strong all the time... that's impossible. We're only human.

    Of course it's okay if you post on here! I know you're not seeking attention, and you haven't done anything wrong here. :hug: You aren't a weak person... you're still fighting, and that takes a LOT of strength and courage. I hope you'll keep posting!
     
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I hope you do continue to post here and share with us. Several time I have noticed you questioning yourself as to why you are posting. I think it is because you need to let things out and tell someone. When we become overwhelmed with our issues, it gets to the point we just need to be heard. We need to know that somebody is listening. You are not alone in your fight for life. I am glad to hear you are seeking professional help. I am sorry that the help is taking so long. I hope we are able to fill the gap and give you a sense of support while you are waiting. You can't change the past, but you do have some control of what becomes your future. Don't let your past destroy your future. You can move forward and beyond this with help. It is so hard to try and do alone. Know that we are here for you as much as we can be. Please take care of yourself and do whatever it takes to stay safe. :hug:
     
  11. trfc06

    trfc06 Member

    sorry for posting again, but dont know who else to talk to. Last night was the hardest yet, really thought she was gone from me, and they were laughing all the time. Just went for a walk to get something for her and it took everything i had to go back home. Found myself walking towards the train station, oneof the places i have thought about none stop. But managed to get home and she was, as always, lovely to me. She says that im paranoid about her being distant to me, i hope she is right, but everything she says or does scares me. In work now, and the mornings are so so hard. Really find it hard to breath, not exagerating, just because i know it so long till i see her and i am so scared that when i go home she will be gone. Told her last night that i wished i was dead and that she hadnt saved me. She hugged me, but i still dont think she realises that i mean it. I really really dont want to be here any more, its too hard. But i will stay for her. I really appreciate everyone on here, i really do, and i dont want to upset anyone. You are all such lovely peopel and i dont deserven your concern, if only you knew me. But, if i have to go, please know that there was nothing anyone could have done, the only person who could stop me is the one person i have messed up so much. I am telling myself that she is the most honest person i have ever met and when she says she loves me and says she will stay that she means it, but i cant express how hard it is to keep believeing her and not go to the tree. I really cant breath at all, i feel sick, scred, alone, terrified. I am sorry for telling you all this, but i hope you understad that it helps, and that you forgive me. But if i have to go, please dont stress and hopefully i will see you on the other side. But after what i have done i doubt even God will forgive me. But i hope i havent annoyed anyone, and i will post later if thats ok?
     
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You never have to apologize for posting. You can post anytime you need to!

    I hope that, if the urge to go gets too strong, you'll reach out to someone... tell your wife, call a crisis number, or reach out on here. You can get through this, even though I know it's not easy.

    Have you talked to your wife about your fears? It might help, because she may then be able to offer you some reassurance.

    I hope you'll keep posting! :hug: It sounds like you have a lot that you need to get out.
     
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