Please, please read.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by dreamcatcher03, Apr 16, 2012.

  1. I'm new to this forum, so figured my first post should be here.. considering the circumstances.
    Well, here's my story.

    Kasey Coble: one of the most down to earth guys I have EVER met and probably ever will meet. For the 4 years I was attached at the hip with this boy, there wasn't one single day I hadn't gotten a text from him in the morning, that we hadn't talked on the phone, that we hadn't NOT had any form of communication, whatsoever. We talked every day, plain and simple. We were so insanely close that we developed a strong love for each other that grew every day. Problem was, he had a girlfriend, so really, our love had to just be a huge "crush" for a long while, regardless of how strongly we had both felt for each other, because of his girlfriend. Kasey battled depression for a long time, everyone has their fair share of moments I suppose. May 4th, 2010. He was single at the time, I currently wasn't. We almost had sex (I know I was in the wrong, but it just almost sort of happened). Choosing to have sex with Kasey was a huge thing for me because I had been sexually abused in the past and Kasey was the first guy I had felt able to have sex with. He rejected me. His reasoning was because he didn't have a condom on him at the time, which had me wondering.. a guy not wanting to have sex because they don't have a condom? In my opinion, that seemed off to me. We didn't end up having sex, we went about the day as if that situation didn't happen at all. Me being the girl, of course it still lingered in my mind and I started questioning myself, but I tried my best to blow it off. Later on that day we decided on going to the mall, I needed to buy another wallet and we'd also decided to grab some lunch in the food court. We ate at this awesome place, Charlie's Subs. At one point I got up to go to the bathroom, leaving behind my new wallet (I'd already transferred all of my things from my old wallet to my new one, this may seem to be useless information right now, but later on in the story, it makes sense) I got back from the bathroom, we finished eating, then Kasey took me home. Nothing seemed weird about this, I got my normal hug from him when I left, and knew he'd text me later on that night. And that he did. He did the next couple of days as well, as he always would. Remember me saying me and this boy were attached at the hip? Well, a couple days later I'd asked him to hang out again, but he wouldn't. He said he was hanging out with some other people, that's actually what his excuse was each time I'd tried to hang out with him after that for the next 2 weeks. We still texted normally though, just as we always would. May 23rd, 2010, it was around 9pm.. I had gotten a text from him asking if he could talk to me, and to take it seriously. So instead of replying, worried, I called him. He then told me he was thinking about suicide. (he has before, we've talked it out before also) I spent nearly 4 hours on the phone with him talking him down. Eventually, I could tell he had calmed down, and he told me he loved me and that he would text me the next morning as he always did, he promised he was okay, and thanked me for talking to him. We got off the phone about 3am, May 24th. I had to wake up at 7 to be ready for school at 8:30, I had my English 3 Honors exam (I was just finishing my junior year of high school at this time) I drove to school, took my exam, and was out by 11. I remember pulling out my phone and being concerned about not having a text from him yet, but I just told myself he was still sleeping from being up so late on the phone with me. He had already graduated high school, he graduated the year before, so he didn't have to get up early for school or anything because he wasn't attending classes at The Art Institute, where he'd been going the fall after he graduated. It was a little pricey so he wanted to take a few semesters off to save up money. I don't feel like going too much into detail on what happened after that, except I found out he killed himself just an hour and 45 minutes after he had gotten off the phone with me. He had hung himself from a tree in his backyard. He was pronounced dead at 4:46am, May 24th, 2010. That day was absolute living hell for me. I don't know how to describe it except for saying I felt like a thousand concrete blocks were placed on my heart, shoulders, everything. I had a constant lump in my throat. His visitation was just a day after his death, and his funeral the very next day. There were almost 500 people at this funeral, the funeral home said they'd been open 13 years and had never seen so many people show up to one funeral before. This boy was loved beyond belief, was an AMAZING photographer and was all around one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and everyone else felt that way too. After his death, I had a hard time coping... with everything. It was the weirdest feeling, to be so used to talking to someone everyday, to see their name always pop up on your phone.. to be so used to being able to call them whenever you wanted.. then just not having all of that anymore. To have it just randomly stop. That was probably one of the hardest things to get used to for me. A couple months later on down the road, I came across my old wallet, the one I had been using until I bought the new one that day at the mall with Kasey. I opened it up just for shits, and inside, I found a suicide note from him. Apparently, his death was planned. He had written that note when I went to the bathroom in the food court, on the back of a receipt and put it in my old wallet, knowing I wouldn't use it since I'd already switched from my old wallet to my new. That was probably one of the most devastating things I'd ever read. And I had so much guilt for not reading it sooner, I had it at my house in a drawer for TWENTY DAYS before he killed himself. If I would've seen it sooner.. if I would've opened that wallet. But that was the point, right? He knew I had no intention of looking in that old thing until awhile down the road when I was cleaning or something. And that's just what happened. Close to a year after he died, I started finding out more and more about that night. He had called Sam (His ex girlfriend) the night of the 23rd, around 6pm explaining to her how he felt, also. He told her he wanted to come and talk to me in person, that he felt it was needed. She wanted him to have nothing to do with me, and continuously warned him not to come down and talk to me regardless of how much he needed to. He ended up coming and sitting in my neighborhood, down the street from me in his car for a little bit, going against Sam's orders. He eventually called her and admitted where he was, and didn't wind up coming to my house. Why he had to listen to Sam, to this day, still blows my mind. He knew what he was planning on doing, he really just needed to see me, one last time. And I of course had no idea he had this planned, especially for as long as he did. But it still doesn't make sense, why he had to listen to her to prevent her from getting upset when he knew he wasn't going to be around the next day. So instead of seeing me one last time, that's when he called me that night, around 9pm.

    He died at only 19 years old. I was 16 at the time, about to turn 17. Now, I'm 18, just 3 months away from turning 19.
    I didn't think I'd make it to this age, but hey, here I am. I have scars all up and down my arms from everything he put me through, and just life in general. But for some reason, his death is extremely hard for me to deal with now, and it's just been lately. I went and visited him where he's buried- it's the most beautiful place. I went to talk, to vent, but it seemed to only have made it worse. I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I've attempted suicide a good couple of times, my best friend always talks me out of it.. she's saved my life so many times and gotten me through everything I've been through, including Kasey's dead- except I didn't meet her until 5 months after he died. Her and her family took me in when I was kicked out of my house, they let me live with her all throughout my senior year up until November of 2011, when we moved out and got an apartment. I just.. don't know anymore.
  2. tearsallday

    tearsallday Account Closed

    I've been through something very very similar to this. I know how I felt when it happened and I just want to let you know... I'm here if you need to talk. I get on this site daily... please feel free to email me anytime.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug: That is so sad.

    It can take time for us to do all the grieving we need to get through. Perhaps you are finding it more on your mind these days because you are approaching the same age Kasey was when he died. Like a milestone - and you're taking stock of all that's happened to you in your years so far. Sometimes our grief lies deep inside and only comes out as we're ready to deal with it. Maybe you haven't been ready until now. There is both comfort and sadness when we visit a loved one's grave. There is a marker of some kind in tribute to them, but it's also a reminder that our time "with them" is gone.

    If you are thinking you are somehow to blame, please don't blame yourself. If he said he was fine, not suicidal when he finished the call, you could only go by what he said. And you had spent time "talking him down". In the end, people who suicide make a choice and they are responsible for their own actions. It can certainly leave others sad and questioning..."Did I do the right thing? Did I do enough?" but the decision to self-destruct lies with the individual person.

    You say that you have been suicidal yourself. Is this related to Kasey (I mean just to Kasey), or are there many factors involved in your own suicidal feelings? I noticed that you said you had been kicked out of your parents home, so it sounds like you have some troubles of your own, as well.

    I hope that you will open and share and let us support you. There are many people here who can relate to you. Please stay safe, yourself.
  4. to be completely honest, there are VERY many factors to lead me to go through with it. but thank you, so much. for your kind words.