Please read this if you feel like shit.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by chloephoria, Jul 7, 2007.

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  1. chloephoria

    chloephoria Member


    When i was 12 i started to self harm, and it was so stupid of me. It was because my dad would really piss me off and shout, he took lots of drugs and was so fucking weird some times. So i used to just stand there and bite my hand really hard so i didn't blurt out anything that might make it worse. He had this really annoying thing called paranoia which made him think that i was 'looking at him funny' or 'conspiring against him', which makes me laugh even now because its just so fucking stupid...


    Then i began cutting with scissors, bits of glass on the floor, and i didn't even need to, maybe it was something to do. And i would usually go to school with the really bad cry face you get when you have cried so hard you get goldfish eyes... because my dad fucking pissed me off,and then give people something like, "Ohhh my poor kitten died today ..." Even thought you didn't have one.

    I have always been sad about my mum leaving, i was about 4 or 5, i forget now but anyway. She dropped us off at my Gran's coffee stall in town, this was like 1993 i think... Well, "See you tonight." was what she said and i got a bag of banana Tom and Jerry sweets, (How i remember those especially i have no idea) and a kiss. Me and my sister waited at the window, as it got darker and darker in our little purple coats looking out the window down the path...haha this sounds so funny and morbid already, anyway...she never came back for about fourteen years. And i remember feeling really sad and singing sad songs to myself at night.

    I stayed with my Gran for a few years then, my Dad was away in Germany. And eventually we moved in with him and his new wife (Total bitch). They had some kids, you know sometimes i don't get her. I don't really care anymore (Thats a lie but i tell myself so much its ground in now?) Haha, yea...

    Sooo, for the X amount of years me and my sister lived with them, my Dad mainly took drugs or alcohol and my step mum tried her best to work and look after 3 kids, then took her stress/frustration of having a stupid husband and kids on me, sometimes my sister, but mainly (i felt) me and i always remember having to have the last word. Maybe thats why she didn't like me, because even as a child i usually told her where to stick it lol. And then i got a clip round the ear and no sweets haha.

    I remember it was 1997, and i had been at my friends house for tea, my Dad came to pick me and my sister up. We had just got down the path and he fell onto a car bonnet. I remember feeling strange, like a child is so innocent you don't really understand but you still feel somethings not quite right. Then we walked down the road drowning in meaningless chitchat..."How was your day..." etc etc... Off to the shop we went, and he bought about 2 bottles of cider. The Asian woman in the shop would always hug us really tight, and tell us how lovely we were. Now i see why she obviously felt sorry for us since our dad was like Frank Gallagher only ten times worse (Thats the guy from Shameless lol) So we got home, and it was getting dark by this time. It was nearly the end of Summer so we had been out for ages, It didn't feel like it though. Well, we got home and Dad had forgot the keys, so he took a brick and smashed a hole in the door to open it lol. Then there was the porch door to open and he half kicked it.. (There was a hole in that already) and slumped on the floor. I was like literally 'What the fuck'. So i put my sister to bed with some toast.

    Ok i have been looking after my sister since i was 3/4 when my Dad was away and my Mum was always fucking high, so i was used to feeding her and taking us both to school.......


    I went to see my Dad and he was crying, and he kept telling me "They're there, there all around they're coming Clo..." he was totally freaking out, i wasn't scared (He was my lovely strange Dad) i just felt confused. So i rang my Gran saying something like, "Dads not well he says they're coming to get him." So half an hour later she gets here with my auntie and she takes him to hospital. That was like the beginning of the end for my Dad, he really fucked up there stupid man...

    So for the next ten years hes been in and out of rehab, prison i don't know what the fuck lol. Anyway that was the day his wife left him, for about a week lol. (Usual occurance). We went to live with Gran again with my sister, and my half sister went to live round the corner with Wife. When we were about 10/11 my sister went to live with them, by this time they had reconciled their differences and happy. He was still high and she still drank...then say 1999 i went to live with them too. What a load of shit, my Dad was still a prick, she was still a cow. I hated it there, i wanted to leave i felt like the doormat that people took out their anger out on. Even things i didn't do were my fault. And that was only because my sister would blame me for things she did, to save her from this shit.

    I don't hate her for it, i always almost never got tea or got to play out because of her, but then i suppose any child is going to lick-ass to feel wanted, even if it means ditching your own sister who did so much for you.
    We are still best friends.

    So one day i thought you know what, fuck this. So i told my Dad and his wife exactly where to fucking stick it, obviously by now i was a cheeky foul mouth bitch apparently with too much to say... i wasn't i was just pissed off. So i left and went to live with my Gran. I refused to speak to my Dad and would run away from him in the street screaming. "Fuckkk of you fucking druggie bastard..........." LOL. Poor Dad. I tried to go up and see my half sister but the Wife would tell me not to bother and go away. Then ring up a few hours later asking 'Why i wasn't coming to see them." I later learned as i got older that she had suffered abuse as a child, hence her fucking shit attitude.
    Like she would always make a point about buying me and my sister cheap trainers, then her daughter Nike or something. It's only shoes i know but it was just the lack of equality that we got that pissed me off.

    Right, i didn't see them, him, her my half sister for about seven years. My choice, it was a good thing to get away. My real sister popped in now and again to say 'Hi'. Usually to sober up before going home so she didn't get bollockd lol. I know she was having a shit time because she was getting thinner and thinner. Eventually she got down to about 6 stone, it was so sad to see my little sister waste away. I know it was because she was getting the shit now i had left, which i feel bad for but i was sick of it too. She still stayed with them, this was all for her desire to have a 'normal' family. To keep telling herself that over and over and over, just because her friends had 'perfect homes'. So she became bulimic. My Gran tried to hard to help her, and now she is on the road to recovery.

    I was on the road to self destruct. I was 14, stupid me hanging round with some really notorious people , getting high, getting involved with people who walked around with guns high as kites, a few armed raids (Scary shit that like something off a movie). You know even though i hung around with people like that, i have never taken drugs in my life lol or got into fights. Only smoked bits of weed now and then. I think my Dad put me off drugs forever, so much i fucking think they are stupid, and people are NOT cool to take them. I went downhill in school from like top set to below bottom set with all.You know, the 'Special Class' lol. I was never nasty or naughty, just cheeky sometimes. I would be friends with the 'Freaks' or the 'Fat people'. But i was friends with the cool people too i just tried to not hang around with them because they were mean and tired to 'Be Cool'. I never gave a shit like that, i was just me.

    Anyway i was still pretty fucked up. My scars and cutting was out of control, you know to the point where there was blood on the walls it was like paint. I have so many scars on my legs, arms, chest. It got to the point in my life now where when people ask i just can't help but reply... "I fell into a bramble bush...". Someone actually believed this, fucking dumb **** lol.

    I met my Mum again when i was, i dunno 16? I forget, or maybe it's not so high priority i don't absorb it and try to remember. I stayed with her for a few weeks, there was even talk on me going to live with her. Until she ruined it by saying, "If you haven't got a job by next week your going home." Heads began to roll, i said. "You know what Mum fuck it, you fucking left me and now your telling to get a job in a week or leave?!, I'll fucking leave...." So i did, and then i got X amount of calls saying she "Was sorry." Etc etc, straight over my head. She was gone long enough for me to not give a shit about out mother/daughter thing, not going to worry about it now....She still comes to stay once a year, of that. But its well established now that our relationship is 'Just friends' if that.

    In Spetember, no it was November of 2003. Anyway it was still 2003, i met this really cool guy on the internet, sounds well gay lol. Anyway... i said to my Gran, Im moving to the Isle of Man next week. "Ok Chloe, you take care and be careful everyone has got to move on." My Gran is ace, actually Grans are all pretty mint. So she gave me some money and i told my Dad i was, "Moving to the Isle of Man tomorrow." Which pretty stunned him, i could see he was quite upset. I was quite fucking excited. "Good fucking bye you cunts!!!" i thought to myself with a fist in the air. So that was it i left at 16 by myself across the sea. I got a job, in fact i probably got about ten jobs that year. Started and quit college, i never felt the academic type anyway...

    I still self harmed, but now it was just felt like instinct if something upset me i would just go and cut, you know it just felt nice. Eventually it builds up your pain tolerance and i have some major cuts, like one was so deep i thought is it ever going to stop, its about 6 inches long and really fat, that was a bastard but the pains brings you back to earth sometimes. Like, "It's ok to feel real." My boyfriend was an absolute star, looking back i think.."Poor kid." Putting up with some psycho bitch from hell lol. No i have never been a bitch actually. Unless you piss me off. I was still on anti-depressants, i took myself off them about 2/3 years ago, i forget. Fuck that shit, so what your brain upset and people around you might be messed up, but only you have to choice to change your life. It was a good idea i suppose, and the withdrawal symptoms are real. Sometimes i felt like i had been zapped with an electric rod. My whole body would literally 'Buzz'. Was Odd.

    So a few years down the line i got good mates, like real good mates not the kind you find in kinder eggs. But sometimes i still had waves of this shit feeling. Like it got to one point where i even went to order things to die on. (I won't go into detail) I completely broke down at work i think i freaked everyone out with some shit i was saying. I don't think they got me, so i wet home and came in the next day like nothing had happened. Got to keep picking yourself up and moving on otherwise its only going to drag you down. and suffered panic attacks for X amount of years, even now i get the feeling but i just ignore it. I'm so bored now of freaking out about it now i just put my hand on my chest, take a deep breath and breathe out really hard like i am trying to blow away a brick... lol....with force is the word i was looking for.

    Back to track, right. I had become so used to cutting, it was just boringly normal to me. I didn't want the scars i didn't know what to do. So once after a meal, i was sick. Oh fucking hell, what a bad idea. It totally consumed me. Felt like a new present. Like, a new car. A new fix, you name it, i had it. I didn't need to cut, no one would know this. So i went through a faze and lost 4 stone, everyone said how good i looked, then everyone started to say i looked too good. "Skinny bitch..." etc.And all the time, keep picking yourself up and getting on with it. And i was addicted to counting calories and avoid anything with fat or processed at all costs. I'm not underweight, not fat just normal i suppose. Just a routine to make you feel in control of life. But it had to stop, it's not good, especially when there is people starving in the real world and not just your little cloud nine.

    So here i am, and there is so much more to write but there is the basics i actually had a good laugh writing this, trip down memory lane. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I have the best job ever as a care assistant in an old peoples home, i just love it. I have the best friends ever and my life is working out its so cool. I'm working on the brain, and i have my bad days where you feel totally down, then i have all the good days that make up for it. There are times i really felt like i wanted to die. Even though there are people that might have made me feel like that. I thought to myself i am not going to give in. I can show you what I'm made of! (Fist in the air again) There are still people that would be really sad if i died, and i couldn't do that to them. You can say, "So i don't care, I'll be dead." All you want, but if someone died on me i would be gutted. And what would happen if they died because i did, that would just be shit. The scars i have feel like little medals to me, like, Yea it was a really shit fucking time, but i am still here and i made it,I am not going to miss this party they call life, there is so much i want to do!
    I'm only 20 and my life has been pretty mental, but i just want to let everyone know who is on here that you can work it out, and you can feel good about life and make it how you want. So whatever you might have been through its always good to tell yourself "It could be worse." :smile: and smiling might be hard at times, but when you do its totally infectious!
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You've been thru a lot in your 20 yrs but you seem to have a healthy attitude. I'm nearly 3 times your age and I wish I had as good an attitude as you do.

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