Please Read this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BOLIAO, Dec 12, 2007.

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  1. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    I got this from another site on the effects on suicide on the loved one:
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    Dear Mom,

    This time 5 years ago you were sitting in your chair, knowing that your decision had already been made. You had cleaned your house in the two weeks before. Everything was nice and clean for when we came to your home to find your dead body. For what was important in your eyes, all was labeled to go to it's final destination. You sat in your chair, I imagine, thinking that your action was justified. You were finished with life, your job and bills overwhelming you to a point where you thought you couldn't go on. You probably sat in your chair and drank your coffee, watching the news..knowing that whatever today's news was, tomorrow's wouldn't matter. Were you sitting there happy? Were you sad? Were you looking at pictures in an effort to say goodbye or were you trying to find a reason to hang on? When you made that final decision, were you 100% confident that your will was going to break my heart for eternity? Was your intention to let the blame fall to me and so you knowingly let my brothers carry on with such thoughts? You could have cured that problem right there but you allowed it to go on, for 3 years before your final act and now...for eternity. You even told me, although in an altered drugged state that it WAS all my fault. You looked me straight in my eyes and simply told me that of course it was my fault, my brothers had a right to be mad. At that point my 27 years of life mattered no more. I had lived to please you Mom and at that moment, you had condemned me a failure. Did you know? Did you know with that statement, I'd never ever feel like a whole person again? How could I fail my own mother but not fail my children? It was hopeless forever more. Your last day, I imagine, was lonely. I didn't feel anything different. We had just been to your house trick or treating yesterday. You seemed fine. At some point between the afternoon of Nov 1 and the morning of Nov 2, you went to your kitchen and got what you needed. You went to your bedroom and with the combination of chocolate pudding and wine coolers, you took all of those pills. With the first batch, did you have any second thoughts? Did your children come to you in your mind, weeping and wailing in front of your casket? With the second handful, did you see your grandchildren's tears as they fell down their faces as I told them that their Grandma D had died. With the last pills that you took, did you know in your heart that you had ruined my life forever? When you took a last glance around you at the pictures of my children that you had surrounded yourself with, did you not feel one ounce of guilt?! As you put that plastic trash bag over your head and secured it, did you know that with what was to come from your actions, nothing would ever be right again? As you closed your eyes, drowsy from drugs...did you have regret? Did you drift off into unconsciousness satisfied that you had made every effort to stay alive? As your body shut down, did you try to make it back to us or did you just slip into oblivion with happiness? As you made the transition into death, did you get the peace you were looking for? Did you? When your soul left your body and you looked down on your children and grandchilden and all of their suffering, did you feel remorse? You cheated life from yourself and your children. Your own daughter has suffered depression because of your selfish act. It means that I fight every day to wake up and be here for my children. Did you do that or did you just give up? The therapist told me that you were manipulative and that you knew that no matter what you did, I'd always be there. Well guess what Mom? You killed yourself and I am still here. You left me. How could you? You alienated my brothers from me and now I have nothing. Are you watching over me now with happiness that I am still fighting to be here and that I am making it or are you watching with sorrow that you left me dangling in a life of hell? How dare you do this to me? I did everything for you. I gave the first 7 years of my marriage and family to you and your illness and for you to give up and shut me out is just unforgiving. I know that forgiving you would allow me to heal and move on but after 5 years I am still not ready to. I still have a strong hatred for you and what you did. How dare you put Greg in a position to find you and having to tell everyone? Five years after, are you feeling the peace that you felt death would give you? Are you with your mom and my sister? You constantly said that is all you wanted...as if your children that were alive were just not enough. My heart is broken forever.

    Dear Mom, it's nearly Mother's Day and as I sit here and type this post...I wonder...I wonder what my kids think of me. Do they know I love them with all of my heart even when I yell at them? Do they love ME with all of their hearts even though I yell at them? Each night before they go to bed, we exchange I love you's and hugs. Each night as a child before I went to bed, I got a good night. At the time, it didn't really faze me. Now...now that you are gone, I know I was missing out on something huge. Depression took you from me. I am not sure I ever even had you. All I know is that in the end, depression got you forever. Depression made you sit in bed, take those pills and put the bag over your head. Mental images of my mother I don't want to remember are embrazened in my head for a life time. Happy Mother's Day ...ya right. My mother chose to give in to the fucking beast and look where it left me! So filled with hate and anger and beast that I can't stand it. It makes me want to run away and never look back. Funny thing is ...I always do look back. And do you know what I see Mom? I see four pairs of brown eyes looking at me...just wanting love. Did you not see it in my eyes? Did you not hear my cries for love? I did my damnedest to get good grades, excel at sports and choir...to make you proud. Did I make you proud Mom? I don't know b/c you let the beast make the decisions for you. I never saw you at my sporting events, choir concerts or even my proms. While other mothers clicked away with their cameras...my mom made sure she wasn't home for it. Dear Mom, it's nearly Mother's Day and it seems I am missing something. It's you. Through all of our arguments...I somehow thought that we'd make it in the end and we'd figure life out together. I thought me moving out and getting married would help you. You always wanted us out of the house and so I thought you'd be happier. Mom, why couldn't you be happy for me? Why couldn't you just once look into MY eyes and see or feel MY needs. You worked so we could get by but I never ever felt that special love a mom is supposed to give to their child. Dear Mom, it's nearly Mother's Day and I am really thinking I am pissed at you for not being here for me. You took the chicken shit way out. You left me to battle all by myself. You took your life and left me here dangling in space. Didn't you care? Didn't you see the love in MY eyes? I am supposed to look up to you. I don't think they meant looking all the way to heaven for the majority of my life. Dear Mom, it's nearly Mother's Day and I just can't believe you chose to end your life and forget how important you were to me. I am lost in this big world and need you. Why did you leave me? Why did you abandon me? Did I do something to make you not want to be my mom anymore? Was I that bad? Maybe I was. Maybe I could have been a better daughter. Maybe I could have been more understanding as to why you didn't want to do things with me. Maybe I could have said things, maybe I could have done more...maybe you could have just not taken those pills and chose LIFE with me rather than death. You have an eternity to spend in heaven, couldn't you have just waited? Dear Mom, it's nearly Mother's day and I still can't stand the thought of you being dead. It still hurts me very deeply. I don't understand, nor will I ever. My life is not ever going to be the same without you. I can't move on. I am not left with the will to keep going. I have to kick and fight every single moment of my life so that I can be here for my children. How pissed off am I that you left me to struggle all on my own. How dare you leave me. I still cannot forgive all the hurt you've caused me and that hurt carries into my every day life. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted? Dear Mom...it's nearly Mother's day and you are 6 ft under the green grass....not here when I need you. The little girl inside of me is screaming...come back mommy, come back. I need you.

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    the link : http://www.beatingthebeast.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=5489
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2007
  2. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Thank you ever so much for posting this. This posting has huge impact. Even makes me think ! Thank you so much for posting it. Stay Safe . . . Jay Jay
     
  3. taranama

    taranama Well-Known Member

    it was a beautiful post, thank you so much for it...it truly touched me..

    and i'm sorry for what i have to say now but....

    you have to remember that lady's mam, who killed herself was deeply, deeply unhappy. there was a reason she killed herself, and it wasn't because she decided to spite everyone... "ha ha, i'm dead now, so f**k you all....." she was obviously hurting on the inside so badly she had to die..and a few statements in those letters are deeply selfish...

    you did everything for her? well it just wasn't enough..and i am sorry i have to say that... coming from a person who is suicidal, i often feel that people just don't give a flying crap about me, and that is the worse thing a person can feel.....alone....
     
  4. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    ya Tanamara,

    I totally understand your opinion. I'm also very suicidal and wish everything could come to an end but I cannot do it cos my old parents have got no one to take care of them. My mum suffers from a serious hypertension and my dad has heart problems. If I die, they die too. But the pain is very unbearable for me and living is a torture for me every single day. I know for their sake I got to hang on but deep inside, I'm so emotionally troubled that trying to cope is like battling for my life every second every moment. I posted that so that perhaps it might help some forumners to re-think about committing suicide although I myself am suicidal.
     
  5. silence1one

    silence1one Member

    Boliao,thank you so......much for the posting.Tears in my eyes while reading through the passage.A mother's LOVE is way way more imnportant than any material things in the world! It was a quick and easy way out to death but it was an eternal death for those left behind.We all go through life's roller coastal eveyday,TALK,open the heart and TALK,someone from SF will care enough to listen.Good luck with your life's journey.
     
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Welcome. And thank you for posting about the tremendous impact that suicide has on those left behind.
     
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