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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JanL92, May 14, 2013.

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  1. JanL92

    JanL92 Member

    Im a 22 year old girl . I suffered from suicidal thoughts from a young age , I was 10 when I realised I wasn't like everyone else I knew I wasn't as happy but never knew why, when I was 15 I first attempted suicide and looking at it now Someone was watching out for me . I was highly depressed and always put myself down , in my opinion my whole life was a mess , I couldn't look in a mirror without getting angry and depressed , being bullied didn't help, I felt like suicide was the only way out, I felt like no one would care and I would have a small funeral, I just felt well I suppose how everyone feels when suffering through these thoughts . But I attempted suicide at 15 and failed , but I woke up I don't know how long after and the branch had snapped and I must of passed out , this didn't help at all I felt like a bigger failure in life that the one thing I thought I could control I couldn't . My life was a mess my family was barely a family , I was self conscious and lacked confidence , I couldn't tell my friends because I felt like if I told them and then attempted suicide again and failed they would judge me , if I knew I wouldn't fail I might have told someone I don't know . Since my first attempt I tried several times after , 4 times were serious , but the part that still puzzles me is no one ever found out , I once ended up in a stage where I needed to go to hospital but I hid it and didn't go and how I lived is beyond me . I'm 22 years old now and my most recent attempt was a 2 years ago which is amazing for me as I would try every few months . I suppose some of you will think oh her life must of changed and got good , you would be wrong , I am unemployed , family situation is allot worse , and I have money problems up to my eyeballs . So what changed ? I found someone in my life who I've been with for 4 years now , I didn't tell him my secret for a long time , until he found me on my last attempt . I thought he would hate me and judge me but he didn't , he never had these thoughts but he understood me which was shocking for me . I'm not saying if I didn't meet him would I have never told anyone , I think all of us who suffer through these thoughts we all know there is one person who we would love to tell our secret too , but we do t for many reasons , please tell them I promise they will understand , im not saying I'm perfect now , there is times when I get suicidal thoughts , dark times when I can't see the light , but I pull myself out , I got a bit stronger , and it's only that small amount of strength from someone listening for even a hour that can help you . If you still think that you are in a worse situation than me and my life is perfect now , you need to listen , my life was unbearable it would of been understandable if I ended my life if people knew the facts , but realistically suicide is not understandable . In the last year 3 teens commuted suicide in my area . I knew them all not as very close friends but when I went to their funerals my eyes where opened . There funerals were packed to the doors crowds went , everyone cried people didn't , they were numb . I talked to the mother of one of the teens and she said how her son would be shocked at the crowds he never thought he was popular but it turned out he was but he never seen it . The darkness had blinded him so much he couldn't see what was in front of him . It sounded familiar because yes that's exactly what I thought and as the funeral went on three songs where played , two of the songs where the exact songs I had picked for my funeral and he had choosen his songs also . The similarities shocked me . I thought to myself do we all feel more or less the same way about some parts of suicide , and if that's true then why do we feel like we can't talk to anyone because no one will understand us ? Because we don't feel like anyone else is feeling this way , we hide it to well and in doing this we are contributing not only to our suicidal problem but to other people's aswell , we need to stop hideing and talk and from talking we are not only helping ourselves but we are also helping each other and potentially saving others lives . I look back now on my darkest of times and I think I romanticised with the idea of dying , I loved the idea to meet my grandfather again , I loved the idea to feel no pain , I also think subconsciously that I would be able to each my own funeral and feel loved from seeing who ever turned up missing me . I'm nearly 23 now , and I feel pain from time to time , and I know ill meet my grandfather again one day and the thing I see now is I don't need suicide for that . I suffer from panic attacks and depression , but im growing I'm learning and I'm dealing with it all . We need to realise suicidal thoughts are common we can't brush them under the carpet anymore , you are not crazy or a bad person for feeling like this I promise it gets better . My life isn't perfect but it's allot more perfect than how it would of been if my suicide attempts were successful . From not being successful I haven't hurt anyone , I've experienced life more than I would have . My life isn't perfect but it's my life and I am in control . Trust me it gets better if u can survive you can too i promise . If anyone needs to talk I'm here .
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good to see you have someone now to talk to that you trust. Teenager years are so hard for many and I too wish t hat anyone who suffers like you did would just reach out and TALK to someone a councilor a teacher a church person a friend but talk ok
    thanks for your post hun
    I hope you also have reached out to a professional and got some help for your depression some therapy some meds as it could be a chemical inbalance but don't stop reaching out and getting the support you need ok hugs
     
  3. JanL92

    JanL92 Member

    Yes i recently went to a doctor and I'm on anti depressants , sometimes what teens can't see that the cause of the heart ache is just a simple chemical imbalance that is making it harder . If I knew that at the time I guess I would of felt normal . I just hope some people can learn from my story to know that your life dosent have to end up perfect for it to be worth living . Thanks for your positive feedback
     
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