please read

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by perish, Mar 25, 2007.

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  1. perish

    perish New Member

    I don't really know where to begin, so bear with me.

    First of all, I'm 20 years old. I've always been a loner because I'm shy and people tend to think I'm weird, so it's hard for me to make friends. I'm shy so people assume that they're bothering me when they try to talk to me. The only "real" friend I ever had turned out to just be using me for rides and money. I'm not ugly or boring, and I'm a funny person...So my only real social problem is that I'm extremely shy and I constantly think that people are judging me. I've had two girlfriends in my life...I don't even want to think about the first one, because she was the result of desperation.

    The only time in my life that I've ever been truely happy was when I was dating this girl that I fell in love with a year ago. She fucked it up, but later wanted me to take her back...Then I fucked it up by taking bad advice and not taking her back because I didn't want my heart broken again. I saw her the other day and realized what's missing in my life...But it's too late. I had my chance and I shot her down. Now she's with this other guy. I've been in the worst condition of my life ever since I saw her and realized that I threw away my only chance to be happy.

    I'm not good at anything. I'm unemployed and live with my parents...I turn in applications on a daily basis, but I rarely get interviews, and when I do they never call me back. I've had four jobs in my life, and have walked out on all of them because I hate dealing with people to the point that I would yell at myself during the drive home. I've tried going to college twice, and ended up dropping out in three weeks...I've always done poorly in school because I have trouble paying attention and procrastination issues, and I have social anxiety issues, so I'm lucky I graduated from high school on time.

    I'm always bored...Nothing makes me happy...The only reason I even get out of bed each day is because I know that I'm expected to.

    Every one of my aunts and uncles on my mother's side of the family has chronic depression or is bipolar (or are they the same thing?), and they have all attempted suicide...One succeeded. I guess it runs in the family.

    I often think about what would happen if I found a loaded gun...And there's no doubt in my mind that I'd pick it up and pull the trigger. Sometimes I fantasize about that, because it'd be the easy way out. I fantasize about putting the barrel to my head and pulling the trigger on a daily basis. I write suicide notes in my head on a daily basis.

    I've tried ODing on pills in the past...

    But I don't want to take that route...I just want to be happy. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

    I can't talk to anybody about this because they won't take me seriously...I can't see a therapist because I don't have any money or insurance...I have a feeling that I'm going to be dead in a few days and I don't know what to do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2007
  2. Death71

    Death71 Guest

    Hi Perish, this doesn't make you feel any better but you're not alone. I can't hold down a job, I can be nice an funny to people, and dare i say charming, but it doesn't fill the hole that's in me. My love life is also fucked, as the love I had for someone has been destroyed by her meeting someone else, and now my best friendship, i.e. her, is really really difficult but i don't want to loose here friendship, her, it's all fucked up.

    I think there is no answer to it, depression is depression, perhaps you can learn to cope with it, and things will get better you'll meet someone else etc. I don't know, I did know one person who was so shy it was really a disability for him, he couldn't communicate, never said more than two or three words and always would walk slightly behind people. He went to Uni with me but I didn't see him after a while, i guess he dropped out due to not being able to communicate.

    It's difficult to talk to people in 'the real world' whatever that is about these things, even to friends, if you've got them, but the people on hear do listen and have plenty of problems and issues of their own. As people in the 'real world do' but you're supposed to keep it to yourself there and just get on with it. Christ it would be lovely to be a stable, content person :smile:
  3. reborn1961

    reborn1961 Guest

    You stated you do not have money/insurance for therapy. What country do you live in? In some places you can obtain therapy for free. You have to search it out but normally social service type places, salvation army, united way can help there.
  4. Guy Incognito XI

    Guy Incognito XI Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't bother with counsellers. I believe this something you can sort out yourself by getting a grip.

    You are not ugly and you are not a moronic bore. There is therefore material to work with. Some people with personality issues or physical deformities will never be given a chance in life. You are lucky.

    It seems your problem is based on a lack of direction - you don't know what to do with your life, and second you have problems with shyness.

    You have been shy all of your life. You have had opportunities to say hello to people or push the conversation with girls and boys. Maybe you sometimes reflect on the missed opportunities caused by being shy. Things could have been so different if you had simply not been so shy. You have lived your life being shy and saying nothing and where has it got you? Nowhere. Being shy has produced the worst possible result. If you said something next time to that guy or girl could things ever be so bad as they are with you being shy? No. The person either reacts well, and if they react bad then at least you tried. Nothing to regret. It is time to stop being shy. Things can't get any worse with you not being shy.

    As for direction in life, think about what you want to do and go for it. Build up your self esteem by meeting people, going to the gym and being active.

    At 20 your at a crossroads. Fight for happiness and change your life.
  5. flclempire

    flclempire Well-Known Member

    so many ppl are depressed after falling in "love" and then being seperated from their fascination. sometimes im glad that ive never felt this kind of love, i wonder if it even exists sometimes....maybe ppl are just fooling themselves?
  6. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Your only 20 man your life hasn't even begun. I'm very shy too and have anxiety problems but I just stay alive to see what happens tomorrow. You express yourself very well and you said it yourself that you have a sense of humor. Girls dig that man. Just say fuck it to the bad shit and keep listening to the advice you get on here.

    Hope you do well man, PEACE
  7. perish

    perish New Member

    Thank you to everybody who responded.

    I think I just need some closure, so I'm going to talk to some people and tell them how I feel...
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :yes: :confused: ?????
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