I don't really know where to begin, so bear with me. First of all, I'm 20 years old. I've always been a loner because I'm shy and people tend to think I'm weird, so it's hard for me to make friends. I'm shy so people assume that they're bothering me when they try to talk to me. The only "real" friend I ever had turned out to just be using me for rides and money. I'm not ugly or boring, and I'm a funny person...So my only real social problem is that I'm extremely shy and I constantly think that people are judging me. I've had two girlfriends in my life...I don't even want to think about the first one, because she was the result of desperation. The only time in my life that I've ever been truely happy was when I was dating this girl that I fell in love with a year ago. She fucked it up, but later wanted me to take her back...Then I fucked it up by taking bad advice and not taking her back because I didn't want my heart broken again. I saw her the other day and realized what's missing in my life...But it's too late. I had my chance and I shot her down. Now she's with this other guy. I've been in the worst condition of my life ever since I saw her and realized that I threw away my only chance to be happy. I'm not good at anything. I'm unemployed and live with my parents...I turn in applications on a daily basis, but I rarely get interviews, and when I do they never call me back. I've had four jobs in my life, and have walked out on all of them because I hate dealing with people to the point that I would yell at myself during the drive home. I've tried going to college twice, and ended up dropping out in three weeks...I've always done poorly in school because I have trouble paying attention and procrastination issues, and I have social anxiety issues, so I'm lucky I graduated from high school on time. I'm always bored...Nothing makes me happy...The only reason I even get out of bed each day is because I know that I'm expected to. Every one of my aunts and uncles on my mother's side of the family has chronic depression or is bipolar (or are they the same thing?), and they have all attempted suicide...One succeeded. I guess it runs in the family. I often think about what would happen if I found a loaded gun...And there's no doubt in my mind that I'd pick it up and pull the trigger. Sometimes I fantasize about that, because it'd be the easy way out. I fantasize about putting the barrel to my head and pulling the trigger on a daily basis. I write suicide notes in my head on a daily basis. I've tried ODing on pills in the past... But I don't want to take that route...I just want to be happy. I don't know what to do. What should I do? I can't talk to anybody about this because they won't take me seriously...I can't see a therapist because I don't have any money or insurance...I have a feeling that I'm going to be dead in a few days and I don't know what to do.