Please Read

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlexElm, Nov 10, 2010.

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  1. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    Hi all reading,

    Before I continue, thanks for reading this, it means a lot to me. These past years, I have felt absolutely suicidal. I know my profile says i'm 30 but i'm actually 14. I don't know why i'm feeling like this, I live a good life, I got a good eductaion.

    The problem is that every living second of my life I am faking to my friends. Hiding my pensive and suicidal side to everyone around me. No-one knows I am feeling this way. To them I am a clown and I am the last person to want to suicide. To them I am just the "magic-man". To them I lead an envious life.

    What I think actually contributes is the lack of any support from my parents. When I get high marks, sometimes one off, they call me a useless and dumb boy. I can't get any encouragement out of them and I have no-one helping me get through this.

    This is getting harder for me day by day, second by second and I really don't know what to do.

    From,
    looik
     
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    You'd be surprised how many people here have unsupportive parents!

    I think my parents are fairly supportive...they just don't know I feel like killing myself most of the time. As a result, my grades and been put through a meat grinder. They're gonna look pretty bad when they come out the other end...

    How about you ask them, when they say you are useless or dumb(etc), why they said that? It could easily confront them and turn the situation around on them.

    How are you going in school, in general? Are you passing atleast 50% of you're classes? I don't really like it when I get compliments for my school work. I see school as a waste of time, and something that has possibly killed me. I've been going to the same place for 10 years...like fucking hell! That must mess with someones mind if you've been doing the SAME thing for 10 years? It gets incredibly boring and depressing, not to mention all the other kids...there can be a lot of tool bags out there.

    Oh, and it doesn't matter that you're 14 and you're on here :tongue:. I joined the site at you're age too :) :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 10, 2010
  3. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    What do you mean by "faking to my friends". Do you mean you put out a positive image when you are feeling very negative inside.

    I do that too. But then I'm a very curious person.

    The problem is that your friends may not be interested in a negative person and thus you learn to put out a positive image everytime.

    I'm not sure what you want from your friends. Do you want them to know that you have problems and do you want to to help you? You should be warned that some of them are not interested in people with problems.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You should talk to a councillor at your school you should talk to your parents they would want to help you with these thoughts okay
    You need to open up to a professional and get help to feel better now okay don't leave it to sit and fester.
    Get help now talk to someone anyone a teacher a councillor parents but do it now okay
     
  5. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Hi Looiki.

    Firstly i understand excately what your going through in terms with parents. My mum has never been supportive of me just over dependent and constantly telling me what to do and putting me down. Alot of people on this site can understand what your going through.

    I too put on a "happy" face every single day. Its so hard sometimes because some days i just want to be me - depressed, fed up and angry. They dont know nothing.

    Have you tried talking to a school counceller about how you are feeling? Maybe express some of these feelings to somebody?
     
  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hi looik, I agree with the others that you need to talk to someone about this. You shouldn't feel ashamed or like a failure for anything. You are clearly very intelligent, and no-one should ever make you feel this bad.

    To my recollection, I first became depressed and suicidal aged 12 (maybe younger, I have no memories aged between 6 to 12), and I never did ask for help, and it's still going on. Please try to sort this out now, before it takes over your life.

    Mim
     
  7. ipod

    ipod Member

    hey, i'm 14 also and i totally relate to you... it sucks. but you see it gets better man.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey looik
    I am really glad you are being honst here. I think its your parents who are failing, rather than you. They are not being supportive of you. I had a mom like that. It was horribly hard for sure.

    I agree with Violet. Can you go to the school counseler and talk to him or her? I had a friend who did that. And her school counseller helped her get through that part of her life. She would go and talk to the counseller a lot. She had someone she could be honest with. Someone who could see the good in her, even though she didnt hide her feelings and thoughts with the counseller.

    My mom told me all the time how bad I was. and I believed her. I wouldnt wish that on anyone else ( although the forums here are filled with folks who probably have had that same thing ) I hope you will make an apt with your school counseller and let him or her help. You deserve support. In person. irl. And here, at SF, of course.
     
  9. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    Just one more post that you probably won't read cause it's buried under all the other posts. I've went to a counselor but it hasn't helped. Thanks for your suggestions anyway. I'm pleasantly surprised that you haven't bashed on me and that you HAVE read my post. For that, thank you guys very much. Eases the pain that someone (hopefully) cares.
     
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Lookiki, I am glad you came back to post. Please keep coming back here. okay? Theres a lot of people here who will care a lot. Just keep coming back. Keep posting as much as possible. Seriously. Keep posting whenever you can. Please. :hugtackles:
     
  11. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    hey there
    i think you could be surprised to find out how many of your friends are doing just as you do!
    that said, as someone who was a teenager relatively recently:cool: I would advise you to seek someone older and trustworthy to discuss this with. Only because with the best of intentions, teenagers can try and support each other but don't have the skills. like the drowning saving the drowning.
    I feel there are some things that can be shared and others should be shared with someone with the ability to help. This isn't saying to hide shame, just that there are some things that your friends won't have the emotional maturity to deal with.
    what area of your life is being most affected by this feeling? was the counsellor from school?
     
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Why would we bash you for your posts? Its okay to feel the way you are, its not okay to try and ignore it hoping it will go away.

    Im sorry that your parents are that way, how awful. If you choose please ignore what Im about to say next.

    I grew up in a family thats has ideas in life if you were to succeed then you thought you were better than everybody. They are ALL now addicted to drugs and yep I can say Im better than them. Its okay to be differant from your family, thats what makes you YOU. Its okay to have your own opinions and thoughts. Its okay to want differant things than them, just try your best to succeed in life, do what makes you happy.

    Now that said, I hope you continue to rock on your grades (one point off, please I wish my son would bring home C's) I hope you continue to make this life yours. Yes you are 14, but life flies by so fast that before you know it you will be off to college.

    Im worried that you feel so much depression at your age, I know mine started around the same time and its hard with everything you already have going on to deal with it. Please take it one minute at a time, and if you need help or think your going to hurt yourself then PLEASE reach out to someone if its not your parents, to us, to a counsleor, to a doctor. I would say your so young, but I know you get tired of hearing that, just know YOU MAKE YOUR FUTURE, no one else can decide what in life you will be but YOU!!!

    Continue to come here and vent, there are plenty of differant ages and personalities here. And Welcome, I hope you find it comfortable here.

    I hope tomorrow is better than today.
     
  13. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot for posting replies everyone. Unfortunately I stopped going to counselling because I feel it's leading nowhere, but I know the counsellor was trying to help me.
    So, I have now went to Kids helpline, see if that makes it any better. To be honest, I don't want to go to a doctor, because of 2 reasons. The first is that my friends will find out and since I have spent so long building an image and making friends, I am afraid I will be shunned. Secondly, despite how my parents feel about me, I don't want them to be concerned.
    Writing a bit, it stops the pain for a little while and then the pain comes back. Sometimes I feel like something is missing, that something is wrong with me. Thank you all the people who have posted and read this. Again, it means a lot to me.
     
  14. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    I'm back to write another time, mainly because...Well I actually DO want to give up now. I know I won't be able to suicide because i'm too scared it'll hurt too much (Dumb eh?) and I think that if I was ever offered a painless death, I would take it. Sometimes I DO wish I could gather up my courage and do it and I know I never will have enough.

    Your comments do help because then I know someone finally knows what i'm going through but sometimes I wonder if you will think differently of me if you know me in real life. It saddens me to know that I have no-one to confide to personally, only anonymously over the internet. I don't expect everyone to care, but I would just like maybe that ONE person that I can talk to, that cares. Anyway, you have been patient enough and so again, thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me.
     
  15. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey

    i have the same story
    depressed, suicidal, and for no good reason...good life...nobody knew how bad i was...i put on a pretty good facade for my friends...they never figured it out
    my parents, on the other hand, either did not figure it out or they really didn't know (which i don't see how that's possible, cuz i wasn't eating and i was 13...those of you who are parents, would u not notice if your 13 yr old was starving themselves?!)

    anyways...same with the lack of support from parents...no just lack of support, but lots of stress and pressure...perfect grades were never good enough for them...i couldn't possibly get higher marks, and i was getting yelled at when report cards were sent home...WTF?!

    i am 23 now...my parents still don't know...but some of my close friends do know...when i got out of high school and went to college, i went to the school's counseling center and got help finally...it changed everything (although not immediately)...

    hang in there...reach out to school counselors for help...pick a friend who you are close to and tell them what is going on...or a sibling if you are close to them...eventually, it will be okay...teenage years are the worst...it gets better...
     
  16. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    I know this thread is buried under like 2-4 pages so doubt anyone will read this but here goes and I have a couple of things on my chest.
    I have just realized I have absolutely no-one I can trust! The only people I can really talk about this is to you guys and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.
    Secondly, feelings for an event in the past are acting up and sometimes I feel blood falling on my face and I have to wipe it just in case. For reference for the event, http://suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=94725 . Though I am suprised THAT one affects me the most because I have seen many disturbing thing happen in the early morning. I've never told anyone because I worry that it will change what people think of me.
    Thirdly, I would just like to say that when I write like this, it's hard to communicate how hard it gets everyday, just to get out of bed and I feel nothing's in my control and I guess that's why I write poems.

    If you ARE reading this, thanks and you are magical/dedicated to helping for finding this thread. Thank you very much for reading this.
     
  17. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi,

    I think the advice Warrabinda to look for older, more experienced people to help you go through this is a wise one. Supportive adults, because your parents are not there emotionally, would help you a lot. They won't solve everything for you, because in the end, that is your responsibility, but they will help you navigate those rough waters. There are different levels of friendship. Some people are just there to share a good time. But along the road, you will find some you can be really yourself with and those are the one that matters. The happy face is useful for day-to-day living, but you cant never be really close to anybody if you fake all the time. Just be careful to whom you open up, do it gradually and in time, you'll find people you can share your feelings with. You're only 14, and it may take some time. I think more people than you think feel like you do. But sometimes, we are afraid to open up and let people in because we all have our load of problems to carry, and dealing with those of others can be overwhelming. I know that at times, I tested the patience of my friends and family and came to understand that it was not because they were not always available when I wanted and when I needed that they did not care about me.
     
  18. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    I know I should find older people for me to talk to (Marijo, Warrabinda) but I don't really trust anyone enough to talk to. I bet there's a sickness for that... Anyway, I really want to talk to someone, I really do and that's why I write here. I know it's unhealthy to not talk to anyone in real life but i feel like this helps a bit.
     
  19. AlexElm

    AlexElm Well-Known Member

    I finally understand what drives me, what gets me up every morning. Acknowledgment. The acknowledgment of the fact that I exist, that I have things to offer, that I want to mean a goddam thing to anyone. I've wanted to have even a little acknowledgment for about 4 years. I don't have a shred of mental will anymore but I can't end it either. It seems like I'm stuck in limbo now.

    A soft voice will coax me into death, but reality who's voice is a harsh bark shouts at me telling me to stop. And so life is eternally a tug of war between two voices and one of these days I know that one of them will win. I need help, but I Refuse to see a shrink o another counsellor because then everyone would know. People would shun me and I would lose any chance of gaining any acknowledgement.
     
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