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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ealdc, Nov 6, 2006.

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  1. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    I'm new and I just wanted to say hi.

    I'm 20. I'm female. I'm on Antidepressants.

    I sort of believe in God. The only reason I haven't committed suicide (and I don't think I will) is because of that chance that there is a God and I will be doomed if I do. That's how I was raised anyway.

    What makes me angry::mad: my parents and sisters know I'm depressed and ready to die and pretend to care. Don't you think if they REALLY did care they would do their own research about depression and learn what I am going through. I have been telling them for months and yet they tell me it is my own fault! I was a nursing student and took psychology and pharmacology courses and I am the only one who know exactly what depression is- yet they tell me I'm depressed because I sleep to much and don't go out with friends, or have a job. ****!! Those of us who are depressed and suicidal lack something called motivation!!

    I am helping myself though because I don't want to kill myself and I don't want to live to be 80 feeling this way. I have been to see a therapist and my doctor has had me on 2 different antidepressants (that haven't been working by the way). Yet 8 months later I feel worse than ever. I'm running out of options. I've even quit drinking because I realized that I was closer to killing myself than ever when I got wasted last weekend. My beautiful dog Morgan was the reason why I didn't. I had the pills and everything. I wrote my suicide letter a month ago...

    Basically I'm desperate. I need more help because I'm not getting enough. My family tells me I'm high maintenance and selfish. I would move out but where I live it would be impossible without ending up on the street.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I find the help I need here because I don't know where else to go.
  2. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    I know almost exactly how you feel. My family doesnt take my suicide seriously. They blame all my lifes problems on me even tho ive been this way since I was 12. When I was twelve I used to beg god to kill me. My mom even told me to do it, I would be better off that way she said. Ive been taking meds and they dont help me at all.

    I dont really have any thing keeping me alive besides that I dont have any way to kill myself. I could try to o.d or cut my wrist in a hot bath but im too cowardly. I dont have a single friend :( . No girl would date me.

    I used to believe in god. But now im a atheist, I feel much better now. Im not scared of death at all. If bible god was real it would be a lose lose situation. You can go to heaven to be the slave of an evil god forever or you can burn in hell with billions of other people ,family and friends forever.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    hi and glad you found us...I sure hate when someone, like yourself is trying to find solutions to very grave problems, and family/friends judge you sound very brave and wise to me, and yes, it is very disheartening when one tried everything available and still has to suffer...maybe another pdoc or therapist is in order...and about your family say you require a lot of attention, remind them you do not choose to have this type of attention...good luck in your journey and please do not give are worth the fight...big hugs, Jackie
  4. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You need to help yourselves out. If you rely on people who dont care or seem not to care about you then it will make you feel even worse. Even the smallest seed of happiness can give you back a bit of motivation and motivation takes the awful bloody slug off your brain.
    I recommend you try to live in the moment for a little while rather than live in the future. I'm assuming here that not only are you getting no joy out of life but feel there's nothing to wait around for either.
    So for one week pig out watch telly and blatantly disragard your future, pretend every day is your last and have as much fun as you can. If you can find a way to remind or show yourself the good parts of life you might just build up enough motivation to break all this angst.
  5. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    So far I feel good about this place. I like trying to help others and I'm getting more support from you all then I do at home. And I realise I'm not alone.

    zohmygob - i believe that a lot of the things that happen on earth can't be blamed on God. He doesn't show favouritism, therefore, He can't answer all prayers. Unfortunately for me He hasn't answered any of mine and that's why I'm "sitting on the fence". My family and church believe that those who are like me and don't believe 100% are going to hell. I no longer am apart of any religion and I do my own thing, so to say. I don't believe God is evil, but I totally see what you're saying about being a "slave" if you go to heaven. I can't see it being THAT great, especially since most people (family and friends included) are probably going to hell. I hope you believe in something because I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't believe in anything. I also live for my dog. I love animals and I plan on having dogs all my life. They give a lot of support.
  6. I don't believe in god. But if he was somehow real, I'm going to make sure I beat the crap out of him if I see him :cool: . This god would have to be pure evil to let this kind of crap happen to us. .... What an ASS!!!:tongue:
  7. tabby

    tabby Active Member

    You are not high maintenance and selfish, just because your family doesn't understand what you're going through. Many of us here do know depression, and that the rooster's crow does not cause the sun to rise. (Many of us don't choose not to have friends to fuel our depression.) My parents have also told me I was very needy and selfish, describing how I act like "the whole world has done something to owe me", but if they had known the hell I was going through in school at the time, they would understand. I told them straight out that "Yes! The world HAS done something to owe me." That was probably one of the only times I dared to say something like that to my parents, letting my true emotions out. They were afraid to hear the truth from me, of how I really feel, which is why I believe they treated my depression like it was nothing, or just me being who I am. Maybe your family doesn't understand the seriousness of your situation, or maybe they're afraid to admit that you need a lot more help for your problems. I don't know, but I'm glad you're here to share and hopefully get the support you need.
  8. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    Wow. That's so similar to my situation. I own my own business and it's been hell so far, especially since I have no support. I did mention to my parents once recently that I was depressed, and their only reaction was to get a job. In the midst of all this, they continue to give me hell about other crap, so for my own sanity, I have now chosen to disassociate myself from them for a while. And I've noticed that they haven't bothered to try to contact me for some months now. That hurts, but I'm more at peace this way, and that's what I need now.

    I once saw a therapist for a different purpose and hated it. I could not open up to her, and found that she was asking me irrelevant questions. After 3 sessions, I quit going. Speaking to a friend who cares is sooo much more comforting and relieving. Yet, I sometimes feel like I am burdening them, and putting them in an odd situation where they feel like they should intervene, but they are not qualified to do so, and have no idea what to do.
  9. Locked

    Locked Member

    If there is god, where is him?

    Where is him, when young children in Uganda are constantly hungry?
    Where is him, when innocent people start dying in stupid wars?
    Where is him, when you are feeling depressed?

    Give me a break, please. THERE IS NO GOD.
  10. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    My best mate at University had Schizophrenia and said he was being attacked by demons. I couldn't understand what he was going through and he ended up killing himself.

    I later went out with a girl who jumped off bridges and set fire to herself and did crazy stuff because her brain made her do it. I couldn't understand what she was going through and now she's dead too.

    I couldn't help them, I couldn't understand them and that's because I'm weak and pathetic and ignorent and confused and I know that, and they knew it too... but they also knew that I loved them.
  11. Khaemwese

    Khaemwese Member

    I'm sorry to hear of your problems. You're not a loser, so do your best to make the best of this situation.
  12. kyle

    kyle Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your parents and sisters. It isn't your fault and they should know this. Family should look out for each other. I admire your guts to tell them though, i don't know if i'd ever tell my parents. and i hear ya on the drinkin thing, lately whenever i get drunk i just think of how to kill myself, i might take your no drinking route. take care
  13. 0000

    0000 Active Member

    Nearly the exact same situation Im in, sh1t isnt it. Im doing what I have to do to move out of here. It'll take a while, but Im a bit nearer every day.
  14. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    The support I feel I get on this site is unbelievable. Thank-you all!! I just came here less than a week ago and I find myself thinking about you guys a lot.

    I always knew I wasn't the only person in the world who feels the way I do, but to read your stories and relate to them makes me feel a lot better (in some twisted way).

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