Please remind me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nomap, Aug 6, 2016.

  1. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    Please remind me why suicide is wrong to do when you have kids. I have tried to stay because I don't want to permanently scar my daughters, especially the one who tried to kill herself. I don't want to set that kind of example. But, recently, I don't remember why it will hurt them. I feel like I'm already dead and just am to stupid to let go. Like when your waterskiing and hang on to the rope long after you've face planted. Slipping away to death sounds so beautiful to me. The logistics of accomplishing it are my greatest obstacle.
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    hi, I am Mox,

    I believe that if you commit suicide it will scar them for life. (That is the only reason I have not committed suicide is because of a little girl)

    Why do you want to kill yourself? Your daughters will need you; especially the one who already attempted.

    Let me guess you feel like your drowning and you have nothing or no one to hold onto?

    Take Care
  3. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    Scars don't have to be ugly. My girls are 18 and 16. My part is mostly done. I do not feel like I'm drowning. I feel like quitting. I don't see living as worthwhile for me. I don't think that they are worth me living for. I regret my life and my choices. Every day is a struggle with my family and I don't want to struggle anymore. Their needs and my sense of responsibility overwhelm me and I don't think it's worth it.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    lol no my friend, your children, and their children, will need you for the rest of their lives.

    What is making you feel this way? What is all going on? The more you share the more I can try to help you.

    You can feel free to PM/IM if that is easier for you communicate

    Take Care
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, nomap. Sure sounds like you're hurting right now. I am sorry you're in a dark place right now. *hug*

    Kids want to have their mom or dad or both (or whoever their primary caregiver is) to be there. When young people lose a parent/caregiver under any circumstances it can feel like being left alone in a blizzard in the middle of a forest: we might "survive", but something has been taken away from our sense of safety and comfort in the world. And you'd lose out on seeing your kids grow up, work, have their own families...

    Every choice brings the risk that we might look back and think we ought to have done it differently. Regret is kind of built into us in that sense. Most things can be improved upon. The sooner we let go of feeling regretful, we can refocus on making "right now" as good as possible. And build from there, each day. It takes some time and not everything works perfectly, but things can change for the better.

    As moxman asked, what is happening to make you feel this low? We can offer support and maybe someone has had some similar experiences to yours. Maybe talking will at least get it off your chest a bit. Take care of yourself.
    SinisterKid likes this.
  6. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    My 18 y/o is a diagnosed borderline and bulimic. My 16 y/o tried to commit suicide Dec 2014 b/c of how chaotic our home is due to her sister's personality d/o and her parents inability to manage her sister. My 18 y/o is in a shelter b/c she was unwilling to follow our house rules (don't lie, steal, or be rude). We now drive the 18 y/o back and forth from the shelter to her therapists/job nearly every day. Our 16 y/o doesn't want the sister to come back b/c the 18 y/o isn't even fully committed to getting well yet. My husband is of course stressed and does more than most. However, when he is uncomfortable, his go to is to find something about me that is wrong. I am getting it and have been getting it from all sides. I am done. I am just the shell of the mother I once aspired to be. I know I regret that I am their mother. I wish someone else had had them. I can't be the stand in for all that isn't right with my family's world. I am sad and resentful and hate them. I am a decent person, but I am not decent enough for two or more people. I can't do the extra anymore. Being there for the individuals in my family always requires putting my feelings aside and focusing on their feelings/needs.
  7. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    I don't hate them. But I am resentful. I do hate my husband a bit. I know it all comes from a place of hurt, but a burn is a burn regardless of how it occurred.
  8. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    I am trying to draw on whatever maternal instincts are still left by sincerely asking, how will my suicide damage the kids in a significant way? Maybe if you saw me in action, you might agree that I need to get the hell out of their lives. I always want to help them and I show up every day to do so, but I am not nice. My fear/pain comes out in the form of harsh tones, words, and yelling. I know we are enabling our 18 y/o to not have to commit to getting well by carpooling and feeding her. But we are selfish because we fear for her safety and well being and hope that by the grace of god she will somehow see the light and do the work. Since our 16 y/o's suicide attempt, we will never feel safe again about her state of mind. Our 16 y/o hadn't planned to commit suicide. She impulsively decided to and acted on it. But it was sincere. She was in the bathtub in a pool of vomit. When I got to the hospital, she was thrashing and crying and begging me to let her die. She kept telling me she loved me and begged me to let her die.
  9. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro


    That is a lot, no wonder you feel the way you do. We often feel suicidal when when the stress in our life is more than we can cope. And you are under an enormous amount of stress.

    Is the 18 y/o able to drive a car? Since she has a job, then maybe her driving herself around would ease the burden on you and your husband?

    Do you have someone you can talk to like a counselor or therapist? I would seriously recommend it.

    How is the 16 y/o doing since her attempt?

    You sound like you are the glue that is holding everything together. To loose you would be devastating for your children.

    Have you talked to NAMI ,, and see if they can help you or your daughters?

    I am very worried about you, you don't sound like you are in a safe state of mind, have you thought about going to the ER and getting some help for yourself. It is ok for you to get help too, your a caretaker of a very volatile situation and the husband isn't helping matters a whole lot

    Take Care
  10. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    The 18 y/o doesn't have a license b/c we weren't willing to risk her stealing our car. The 16 y/o was thriving until around May. She broke up with her boyfriend and has been your typical moody teen since. She's not doing anything worse than any other teenager, it's just that I don't have the reserves to handle it well and with objectivity.
  11. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    My husband's love language is service, so he's great job at doing things for others, especially me. It's just that he's so invalidating when it comes to my feelings and he's so blaming when he doesn't like something. It would be one thing if he blamed me for something I did, but seems to reflexively look for my deficiencies when faced with circumstances he doesn't like. For example, when I needed to establish firm boundaries with my parents because they are toxic, I really needed him to support me and to present a united front. The therapist at the time told him he really needed to support and protect me when it came to my parents. We were in family therapy due to the challenges of raising a child with oppositional defiance disorder (the now 18 y/o). When it was his turn to talk to my parents, he got angry with me because he considered it my problem. He doesn't like confrontation. I understand that, but I really needed him to champion our me/our family.
    All that said, I truly am looking for someone out there to appeal to my rational mind and explain how my suicide would actually be damaging to my children. I understand that it will hurt their feelings, but will how will it damage them?
  12. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Someone I go to groups with once used that word, "damage". I dont like the word used in this context. I prefer HURT: to affect adversely; harm: that is more what you will do/cause if you are to take your own life. These two kids are in a world of their own pain and suffering. They are ill, they are hurting. Facing that alone will be much more difficult for them both without the help and support you can provide. I agree with you in that the way you and your husband help and support might not be ideal and maybe needs looking at, but some support is better than none. In the short term, you cannot "cure" your kids or make them "better" but you can support them in the hope that in the long term, you are helping towards their recovery.

    So I dont think you can "damage" them anymore than they are already "damaged" but you can prevent piling more hurt onto them by staying alive and supporting them in any way you possibly can. I am not pulling your guilt strings here, thats not my style, I am just trying to show you another perspective from someone totally removed from the situation.

    You and your relationship with your husband is a different matter. You are in or have had therapy and he has not taken onboard a lot of the issues that were raised by that. It defeats the object of therapy. Hearing the truth from your partner when it is not what you want to hear is never easy. Thats therapy in this instance. I am it right now because we have stopped communicating as we used to before I became ill. I think you either accept the way the relationship "works" or you change the relationship as therapy appears to have changed nothing between the two of you.
  13. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    Thank you for the time you spent with me. I think I'm looking to hear from someone how their parent's suicide has affected them. As for my relationship with my husband, it is a different matter. Like each of us, he's being the best person he can be. I like to think I'm good with "truth." What I don't appreciate reflexive/defensive criticism.

    Enough about me. I can't do anything in the near future. How about you, how are you doing?
  14. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    My mother attempted once, that I am aware of anyway. My brother phoned me one night to tell me she was in hospital blah de blah. I never went to see her or spoke to her about it. It was all down to my abusive step father as per usual. He had been hitting her again, so she tried to take her life.

    All I felt was overwhelming anger that it should have come to that. But it was a completely different set of circumstances than your own, I appreciate that.

    I know my son is expremely dissappointed that I tried to take my own life. The first time he was ok, very understanding, very compassionate, the second time he refused to even speak to me after that and it has taken time and effort by us both to be on speaking terms again. I am very angry with myself, I hate myself for doing that to him. I guess if I wasn't here, I would not know any of this. Suicide is a very selfish act, to those who are left affected by it. I didn't see it that way and probably never will. I am hoping our son will come to our next family session and maybe I will get to hear a little more about how its all affected him?
  15. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    Suicide is selfish. I think that's part of the appeal for me. I understand your son being angry. It comes from fear. He likely doesn't want to feel insecure about you. Suicide seems like it should be a right we all have, but I know it usually isn't "right." A statistic that has prevented me from action is that children of a parent who has committed suicide are more likely to try it themselves. My 16 y/o already tried it once. I don't want my girls to think of it as an option for them.
  16. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    Hope your son does go to your next family session. When is it and how old is your son?
  17. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Next session is on or around the 23rd of this month and my son is in his thirties now.

    So the stats you refer to, are they not a reason why you should not try to end your life; especially taking your youngest daughters plight into consideration?
  18. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    They were a reason, are a reason, not necessarily enough of a reason. Rationalization is a great tool, but it's rife with manipulation and self justification. I can see how as a parent I have to put them first and have to stick around for them, but I can also think how they'd be better off without me.
    You said that its taken a while for you two to be on speaking terms. Does that mean you two are speaking?
  19. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I see your reasoning as it is a argument/debate I have had myself with myself.

    Yes we are talking again, which is great. It can be a little strained at times, but its a start. He tells me I am a lot quieter these days.
  20. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    Have you told him about your mom?