I am 21 years old and am blessed with everything a man/boy could want in life. I have a great family. I have a fairly well off family. Everyone I love and adore in my family. Im not being cocky but I am an a very good looking guy who was blessed with genetics. I have a few really good friends and have had my fair share of women. I was never a player type thou, I always had respect. I failed out of state school because of alcohol and other things and am living at home. My house is awesome and people would die for a place like this. I have everything I want. This is why is it is fucking werid, lately I have been feeling suicidal all the freaking time. I feel paranoid about people and don't know what to freaking do. I have job helping in office and making pretty good money. However lately it seems I have been drinking as the only way to feel better. I have no idea why it makes me feel better but I love the warm and numb feeling from it. I cant talk to friends about this without them calling me gay and I stopped taking my lexapro because I thought I was alright without it. I never really believed in depression as illness. I am really at the point of fucking not caring about others at all. I am normally a very nice person but right now I dont give two shits about anyone else including my self. I feel I have lost all hope and have no where to fucking go. If people knew this about me they would be shocked because I hide it very well. I just need help beside someone telling to go back on meds which im already doing. Just some words that help you get thru. Sex doesnt make me feel better anymore, Drinking only does a little, drugs help alot but they last a short time. I know Im looking in all the wrong places for happiness. But believe I have looked inside myself and found nothing worth while. I am a complete waste of earth. If I wasnt so much a pussy I would do suicide. The only thing that stops me is the thought of my family hurt and it would devestate my parents. I am so close. The only time I come close is when im really drunk and dont give a fuck. I only want everything to disappear, I would rather see no one and have a bottle whiskey and a dark room. I know this is fucked up but please help.