My life has been too much, I feel like I am being pushed to kill myself. I can't take it. All I do in life is damage control, I can't seem to get anything to go the way I need it to or normally. I wish I could explain this better, too many things go wrong, too much, stupid little things that grow and drive me crazy. Like dropping things, losing things, missing things, being at the wrong place at the wrong time, always being last, never being picked, passed by, forgotten, name left off, blamed, paper jams, people bailing, wrong lines, stupid stuff, taking care of things that won't resolve over and over again. Too much loss, friends, pets, jobs, youth, safe places, too much for too long. I hate myself, I hate my existence all it is pain pain pain. I asked for help but no one helps. I asked i have prayed I have stepped up to the plate, I have been responsible, I have done the right thing, I have been kind, and all I get all the time is kicked hard in the soul. I get to watch others who are mean and petty find people who will love them. No one has ever loved me, I have been alone always. Every holiday for 45 years. I have worked my ass off in a career that I have been the conduit for others to move up but I keep falling backwards, and I don't understand. I don't understand. WHY. WHY NOT ME. WHY CAN'T IT BE ME. I feel like I am forced to watch life pass me by while others move forward, i know not everyone does well and I am extremely grateful for all of the small things I do have but I could be so much more I have tired to be so much more, I kick and scream I fight, I can see smell but I can't touch anything. I am trapped but I keep telling myself I am not and keep on living each day praying for things to change for something to tell me that I am of worth that I do matter. But then who am I? All of the hurt in this world and the horrible things people do to each other and the creatures on this planet. Who looks out for them who stops the molesters, the abusers, no one, the universe lets it happen, it allows these atrocities to happen. So what is my life? What miracle is going to save me. There is no miracle. It is all a crap shoot. I can't be here anymore, I can't take it. I feel like I am being tortured. It has created so much pain and anxiety. Too many paper cuts to my soul. I hate this place. I do. I don't want to be here anymore. I pray for a car accident. I tell my heart to stop beating. I know there is someone who has people who love them who is dying and they are needed/ Please take my life and give it to them . I cannot survive this anymore. I never asked for much, just a decent living, to move forward and not to be so lonely. But that is too much to ask and I have tried and tried and tried. Please I want to leave, I don't like it here. It is too mean, too painful. I can't do this anymore. I feel like I am destined to take my life, I have tried to live but life doesn't want me, I am a mistake and a painful joke. Left behind, a step stool for others to get better jobs, meet their mates, so much but it never happens for me. I don't understand, what did I do for the universe to hate me so much. I don't understand WHY. I want this to end, I don't want to get old and be alone and poor. why can't I stop my heart from beating. please make it stop.