Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable

Acanthi

Well-Known Member
#1
My ex reached out to me again.

I told me I need space, he says ok, he'll stop, but he comes back to me again offering friendship. It's still us against the world he says.
He tells me it's ok to be emotional, but that I should be more rational. Then when I don't reply, I'm not being a decent person.
He told me it's ok if I don't want to return the ring, I don't have to explain. But then, if I want to keep the ring, I've to explain myself. When I don't respond, I'm being unreasonable again and I'm not worth the time.

I know I'm not being unreasonable... I think... I didn't do anything wrong. I should not feel bad for not responding when I feel like he's intentionally pushing my buttons.

What makes it worse is yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of him proposing. And that's when he started reaching out to me again.

I'm trying to move on. I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy again..

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? Does he deserve a response? I'm sure he's hurting too. Am I being unreasonable?
 
#2
If you felt threatened and then he managed to turn that around to be your mistake, you are right to not have him in your life anymore.

If he can't see the issues that got him to that point, he's not going to change.

You left as he's not worth your time, I don't think you owe him anything, and if you feel like he's just trying to push your buttons, then odds on that's what he's doing and if not , then that's worse as he's making you feel this way without even intentionally doing it.

You are not being unreasonable in any way,shape or form, you can't guilt someone into a relationship, and if you try then expect to be rejected, which is what you should do to him.

Take care
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#4
@Acanthi As I recall, the ring is not a family heirloom. I'd say it's yours to keep and do what you wish with...And you don't owe an explanation.

"He's offering friendship." Does it feel like friendship? It's "ok to be emotional but you should be more rational" is contradictory.

If you decide to return the ring, you could courier it to his lawyer. Response could be short and simple "Please give me your lawyer's address and I will courier the ring there. Please don't contact me again."

You left for a reason. Perhaps these current little jabs of his are the sort of thing he did that made you leave. I think you deserve much better. Regardless, imo, he seems to be manipulating and game-playing now, and you deserve real caring not mind-games. *hug*
 

CHead2000

Well-Known Member
#6
What exactly did he do to begin with? If I were in his shoes, I'd feel even worse about myself. Putting good money into a ring, and the girl won't talk to me. My dad is STILL trying to pay off the wedding ring for my mom, and they've been married 26 years! My point is, I'd explain myself, if you intend to keep the ring. You don't have to get back together with him or talk to him ever again, but he's trying to reach out to you. I'm not trying to judge, but just have the conversation with him, and then you'll never have to talk to him again. That's only a suggestion, and you don't need to follow it.
 

Sunstealer

Well-Known Member
#7
I dont agree @CHead2000, the ring was a gift, so he has no say in it whatsoever. If its a finacual problem it got nothing to do with her, thats his problem.
Obviosoly hes making her very uncomfebl so i think she should shun him like the plague. Put him on ignore on the phone.
 

Acanthi

Well-Known Member
#10
@CHead2000 it's an engagement ring. Among others, he almost hit me, charged straight at me. I escaped by runnning into the bathroom. But he says it's my fault for making him mad, by not listening to him give me driving directions. It's never the last conversation... Btw, if it was the One Ring, I'd probably be golum. I already have the voice pat down. :)

@Sunstealer thanks for speaking up for me. I like your suggestion :) *hugs*
 
#11
Is this a wedding ring? Engagement ring? The One Ring to Rule them All? If it's the One Ring, keep the Precious.
When I cast my eyes over your post I thought you said onion ring, to which I though yes that's the best option of those three so I agree, keep the onion ring. Then realised what you had actually typed! Made me smile anyway.

@Acanthi, that aside I agree with @Sunstealer, an engagement ring is a gift like any other, it's not a down payment that needs to be returned if things don't work out, and if he feels that way, or spent more than he should have to try and buy your love, that's his issue not yours. It's also all the more reason not to let him back into your life, he has insecurities that he needs to sort out before having any sort of meaningful long term relationship.
 
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CHead2000

Well-Known Member
#12
I'd like to apologize if my posts were unsupportive. They probably were, and I'm sorry. I'm not too good at supporting people. I'm beginning to wonder why I ever posted on this thread if I couldn't contribute anything positive. Anyway, ignore my advice. Do what your heart desires. Don't take advice from me. (Btw, as you are reading this, it may sound mean and sarcastic, but I know it's hard to interpret messages, so I'm letting ypu knos I'm not being sarcastic. Seriously, please don't listen to my advice.)
 

yozhik

Well-Known Member
#13
I'd like to apologize if my posts were unsupportive. They probably were, and I'm sorry. I'm not too good at supporting people. I'm beginning to wonder why I ever posted on this thread if I couldn't contribute anything positive. Anyway, ignore my advice. Do what your heart desires. Don't take advice from me. (Btw, as you are reading this, it may sound mean and sarcastic, but I know it's hard to interpret messages, so I'm letting ypu knos I'm not being sarcastic. Seriously, please don't listen to my advice.)
Hey don't mean to crash this thread, but @CHead2000 don't be too hard on yourself. To the extent that I am in a position to judge, I think this last post is very supportive and the others were just lacking in proper perspective which is hard to have for people like you and I who have never been in this emotionally complex of a relationship (if I remember your life story right lol).

And @Acanthi I know I just totally invalidated my advice-giving grounds but I don't think I invalidated my support-giving grounds. He sounds manipulative and like he's making you question yourself when you are objectively in the right. I like Sunstealer's advice a lot. In my opinion you owe him no explanation and I hope you do what makes you happy without worrying about his games.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#14
You know, @Acanthi It sounds like the ex is using the ring to manipulate you into trying to talk to him. What's your deal with keeping it? It's not "sentimental" anymore because you got rid of the man. You don't want to sell it for the money or you'd have already done that. Honestly I think you should give him back the ring as as the final stamp of "screw you" on the relationship. Then there's no reason to answer the phone or whatever again. He's using that little thing as a tool... so don't allow it. You have no real use for it anyway. It'll just make you bitter in the long run anyhow. The next guy won't appreciate that ring, you know?
 

Acanthi

Well-Known Member
#15
he has insecurities that he needs to sort out before having any sort of meaningful long term relationship.
That's a good point. I've never thought about that of him because he has always been in long term relationships, but ofcourse, they have never lasted...

@CHead2000 Don't worry about it, you don't sound sarcastic at all. I know you were only trying to help.

@walkerbait95 That's what me and my therapist think too... I wanted to keep the ring because it was a memory of the good in our relationship and I guess I felt it was a gift. But I've made it very clear he can have it back now, I can't take the manipulation anymore. If returning it will get him off my back and burn off that remaining link, he can have it back. And that thing about the next guy is a very good point that I never thought about. Thanks *hugs*
 

nobodyknows71

For a Phoenix to rise, it must first burn.
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#18
Hi, you knowwhat my stance is going to be on this.
He's manipulating you as he always has. I like @walkerbait95 idea of where you should shove the ring!!
Return it. It's the last link between you, then get on with your life. Whilst you keep hold of it there will always be a reason for him to contact you and you'll never really be able to move on.

Give it back and then get on with being the wonderful person you are.

Love and hugs x

PS how's the handsome teammate? :oops:
 

Acanthi

Well-Known Member
#20
@walkerbait95 lol! I love how well you put it..

@Innocent Forever he has messaged me 4 times since I told him to leave me alone, and now he's apologising. But I know it won't be the last time, I need to get rid of the ring, cut that tie...

I'm just so tired of him repeatedly returning to emotionally blackmail me with the ring...
 

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