Please tell me what I ahould do?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SadKaity, Aug 16, 2008.

  1. SadKaity

    SadKaity New Member

    Here the insanity. I'm 30. Ever since I can remember I have felt like my life was.... no is a lie. When I was 7 I started to make what little sense of it as I could. I wanted to be female. But I never new why. This was a big source of problems. Imagine going for over 20 years feeling like a freak. You never fit in. You never feel like a normal person. (I know the word normal is subjective).I never had a happy childhood and even to this day I can not remember any part of my childhood being happy. In fact I have spent most of my life attempting to forget my childhood. Primary school was tolerable. High school was the worst time of my life. Not a day went by I wasn't phyically assaulted. Even suffered a fractured skull and a broken rib in the first six months.

    At 17 I met my partner. I have been with her ever since. When I found that I could trust her with my life, I told her of my ambiguity. She was great. Supported me and even bought me cloths. I managed to fumble my way through Uni still feeling like an outcast. Worked in an industry I hated. Then stupidly joined the defence force. Big mistake. Over the next four years I developed a self harm and alcohol addiction, had a nervous breakdown and diagnosed with severe depression. Not a good look in the Air force. In this time I also damaged my back and now suffer from sciatic pain and I wet myself thanks to a damaged nerve. I sleep in a nappy and cant ride my motorbike or drink any alcohol with out wetting myself. My parter thinks this is a kink. Combine this with not being able to sleep through a night with out pain or waking up a dozen times.

    My father suffered a major head injury a while ago, and is a totally different man who I hate deeply. My mother is suffering with cancer and my partners mum is too. My relationship is crumbling into nothing thanks to my partners family demanding so much of her time and I hate them for this.

    I finally discover what is behind this desire to be a woman and feel okay and finally stop feeling guilty for dressing and at last feel like my true self when I dress. But my partner after councelling discovers that she cant handle my dressing and asks me to stop. Thinking that is her fault. Even though I have been dressing since I was 7.

    I hate my job, but it's secure. I hate my family, I have no friends, my relationship is fucked and I feel like a lying freak. Basically I am just so tired of this constant struggle. I wanted to see what it was like to hang myself and I liked it. But I just keep stopping myself from finally doing it. But I so desperately want to die. I don't care if it's a pill, a blade, or a home made noose. I'm just so tired.
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: i just wanted to say i don't think you're a freak. i do hear what you're going through and yeah relationships are really horrible. your partner seems to be going in a different direction than you and not offering you support and you do sound very isolated and alone.

    i was wondering if there is an opportunity to go to counselling with her. i've heard there are counsellors out there that do provide for couples.
  3. SadKaity

    SadKaity New Member

    The thing that scares me is that i discovered the conviction that I need to actually do it. Gaaah. What am I trying to say? Hell, i don't know. I have thought about councilling and it would just make things worse. Much worse. I can't help but feel like my partnner has enough to worry about without me telling her how I'm feeling. It just seems so selfish. That I'm being so selfish. If i tell her, theres something else for her to worry about. I think she'd see it as I'm just trying to get attention. I guess i'm doomed to two decisions. 1 just put up with life feeling completely alone and isolated. Butting my head against to wall to feel anything but this sadness and anxiety. Or 2. End this crap and leave behind a legacy of pain and anger for everyone.

    I'm trapped.