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Please tell me, what the hell is there left for me anymore? What I am living for?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Mar 10, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    My fiance notices that I OD on shit all the time...xxxxxxxxxxxx yet does nothing about it. Just tells me it's "bad" and I should stop. Why should I if that's the only way I can feel decent?...All he cares about is his fucking mom anymore. We don't do anything together. He doesn't help me with much. She's the one that's important because she has cancer. Well what if I kill myself before she dies of cancer? Would she still have been more important?

    I can't take care of myself. I can't get food when I'm hungry. Can't go to the bathroom when I need to. Can't take a shower. I have extreme social anxiety and there are always too many people in the house stopping me from doing these simple things...

    Also, I stay in one single room ALL day to avoid them. Sometimes I come out to go to the bathroom or eat when I have no other choice and sometimes I come out and watch TV with my fiance. But only when he's home, and he works 5 days a week. Otherwise, I have no contact whatsoever with the outside world other than this forum. The only two people I use my phone for are my fiance and my mom. But, aside from the anxiety, that's how I want it. I hate people and don't want anything to do with them. All people have ever done is let me down. Social anxiety is one thing...it's not chosen...but hatred is completely different. I choose to hate people because they deserve it.

    But as for getting high, what's left for me to do, being stuck in a single room all day, other than get high all the time?

    And no, being at my house wouldn't be any different. I'd still be just as alone sitting in one room with nothing to do...no desire to talk to anybody. Except there I'd have the freedom to get high as much as I want as often as I want (because my family wouldn't even notice, that's how fucking caring and observant they are), as well as the freedom to off myself when I feel ready. Here, at least I'm still somewhat trying to live. Maybe not a normal life, but somewhat of a pathetic excuse for one anyway.

    I don't know anymore. I have thoughts of just doing it one day and leaving him a note saying I couldn't take it anymore. It's possible that the first thing he would do is go get xxxx, and possibly OD and kill himself too...but maybe not. Maybe he'd just get high a few times and then get over me. Not like I'm really that big of a deal anyway. If I was...if my life was all that important...he wouldn't trust me here alone after seeing what I've done. If I combine all the medication I have, I could probably die, or at least end up in the hospital. But that doesn't seem to matter. No matter how fucked up I am, I'm still treated normally by everybody as though nothing's wrong. Regardless, I just sit and do nothing and take up space day after day. The fact that I'm going to school is a joke because I'm sure I'll never finish it anyway, and never be able to hold a job. What's the point?

    I can't even drive yet because I'm a fucking loser and depression/anxiety held me back in life to where I never wanted to/cared to learn. And I still don't have any medical insurance, which means that I can't see my gynocologist about the HPV that I got from sleeping around with all sorts of nasty people when I was 15, just to feel like somebody cared about me - even if it was a lie. I can't get the procedure done that I need to get done, and because I'm waiting so long I'm sure it'll just turn into cervical cancer and kill me anyway.

    So again, I ask...why THE FUCK should I continue living this life? For what? I'm 21 and don't know how to do anything normal 21 year olds can do except drink. And at this rate, I never will. My fiance won't even want me anymore one day. He doesn't seem to be trying too hard to help me, more like he just tolerates me and still thinks I can take care of myself when I can't. And my family is 10 times worse than that. I'll end up dropping out of school. And then it'll all be over. So why wait for all that? Why not just get it over with now?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry thing seem so awful...you say you are going to school, is there anything you can do while you are out so that you do not spend your days in one room? Maybe that would help you to feel better...also, are there course and such you can take online to spend the time? Wishing you better times, J
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    could you get medicaid?

    could you get disability payments?

    getting high can be fun, but it will probably make the depression and social anxiety worse

    if you talked to your fiance, do you think he could spend more time with you and give you more support?

    could you talk to the other people in the house about the fact that you have social anxiety, and maybe find a way to make it work better?

    like send them a text message, or otherwise signal them to ask them to stay away from the kitchen, bathroom, etc. so you can use it?

    for me, being able to tell people that I have social anxiety makes me have less social anxiety.

    maybe that could be a way to work on the problem, gradually have some contact with them.

    would they be supportive do you think?
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't really know about medicaid and disability. I could probably get disability but I'm having enough trouble just getting medical insurance. I'm not sure if I'm up for the chase to get disability as well right now.

    To be honest, I don't really think anything can make me that much worse at this point. The only bad thing about getting high that I've seen so far is that other people don't like it and you run out of supplies eventually. Well, two things I guess.

    I think my fiance does the best he can. I always ask him to be more supportive but I think sometimes he just can't...either due to how he was raised or his own experiences and problems that influence how he thinks.

    As for other people, they don't care. They're not going to do anything different for me; I'm not that important to them. My fiance is all I have really. My own mother can't even accept me, let alone anyone else.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should tell him you're going somewhere that you will get the help you need. Then go to the ER and tell them that you are feeling and thinking suicidal. Then he will see that your feelings and thoughts are real. That you need help too. Please talk to the ER staff or call a crisis line and see what suggestions they have.

    But you also have to be prepared to give him time with his mom. I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but did I read in another thread that his mom is very ill? It is his mom and he feels that he needs to help her now. He is probably feeling very guilty for all the times he wasnt there and thought he should of been. You are in a difficult spot. You want his attention while he is trying to give it to his mom. Unfortunately in his eyes, you are probably looking more capable than his mom is right now. Or if there is a chance she may die, then his guilt is in overdrive. So please get the attention you need by going to the ER and it might help get him to see that you need him too.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2011
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't have the money to just go to the ER whenever I feel like it. Also, I am very dependent on my fiance, he's all I have. When I'm in a mental hospital, I have no control over when I can see him or talk to him. I'd rather be dead than do that, truthfully. And his mom hasn't been the problem lately...I don't really know why I mentioned it except just to have something to blame it on I guess. But she's back in the hospice house for now and he hasn't paid much attention to her. But regardless, I repeat that I don't agree that she deserves it more than me. As for the actual problem as of lately...it's my emotions and peoples' lack of understanding for them, as well as my desire to get stoned on a day to day basis.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2011
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Please try for the disability, it will help move the medical insurance process faster.

    Stop SM, its causing your mind to focus on one thing, and thats you being miserable and the things around you. The more you SM the more your stopping your brain from wanting anything differant, and before long you, and maybe you already are dependant on them to feel anything.

    You have a great mind, you have alot of knowledge, you know what your supose to be doing to get better, noone is going to do it for you, and they really cant do anything to help either, this is up to you!!

    Youve also got to stop with the comparing you to your MIL, your going to push your F away. I know you feel sick, I know your in alot of pain, and people do care, but your pushing them away with your self hate, your self dought.

    Im not going to lie and sugar coat for you, cause I know thats the way you and me work, right. Youve got to get yourself together, get your emotions in check, because if you keep fighting and pushing your going to end up alone.

    And you deserve so much more than that, you want more for your future, youve told me yourself.

    I hope I dont offend you, A
  8. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I don't have the energy to try anymore. Not for disability, not for life itself. Why should I when my own mother never has anything nice to say to me? Just blames me for shit and never listens. You say people can't really help make it better? Sure they can. They can stop being assholes for one thing and making things worse on me, and maybe actually be there to talk to when I need it. That would help...and it's not really asking much.

    My brain already stopped wanting anything different. I've already convinced myself that the only way I can live a decent life is through drugs, and I don't think that's going to change at this point.

    Also, like you said, I'm not stupid...I'm not pushing anyone away because I only complain about this shit on here. Not to him. Us crazy people with BPD have figured out ways not to heighten our own fears of abandonment unless we absolutely can't help it. I'm pretty certain that the only way I'll end up alone is when I'm dead...which I'm considering when I get my next set of prescriptions. It's not worth it...to keep trying to change an unchangable situation. Nothing's going to change aside from my desire to live which is diminishing.

    One more thing actually...I don't give a shit who I push away at this point. If people don't like me, fuck them. Just gives me another reason to die.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2011
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Can you use that attitude to help you realize things about your mom and family to? And also realize that your living a good life, no it may not be the one you want, but look at what you have...a man that loves you, a roof over your head, food on table, and hell you even get to party it up a little. You just need to work on other things in life, not put them to the side and try to forget that they are there, cause we can keep piling and piling until the pile starts overflowing into other parts of our lives, just like you said.

    Im glad that you come on here and vent, its nice to be able to put it out there, and get it off your shoulders, but know that sometimes what can you do about it??? if you cant do anything about it then you will have to accept that its not going to be perfect to you, but you can still be okay with it.

    Yes, us with BPD are ALWAYS going to struggle to be "sane" but one of the problems are is the perception of what we think sane means. We see people around us doing this and that, laughing and wish for that life, but we dont really know what theyre life is like, we just think we do becuase of what we see on the outside.

    I agree with you on that, that if people dont like it then they need to turn away, but just dont you do that to, you have to face it, life head first and see what your getting yourself in and wanting to alwasy improve on it for yourself.

    But who am I, I think alot of things but never follow them myself. Just a thought. Hugs.
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Oh and YOU and ME know that drugs are not the fix, its only temporary and I agree sometimes we need them to get past (I know I have), but make sure your only using them to get past and then you have to move forward without them.
  11. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I realize plenty. They were born and raised in a different country, have different values, a different education, a different understanding of things. So what...how does any of that actually help me? The situation still sucks, and my understanding of it doesn't help anything. I'm living a good life in your opinion perhaps...but the idea of "a good life" is just that. Opinion. And being that it's not my opinion, it doesn't really matter if you or anyone else thinks it's good. I'm the one living it, and to me, it sucks. I don't feel as though I'm lucky to have anybody love me because all it does is stops me from hurting myself, yet doesn't really make my problems any better. So what's the point? As for food and shelter...yes, I'm incredibly lucky that I was born into this hellhole and happen to have just the basic necessities to keep me alive in it. Call me crazy but I don't think it's worth it to be here just to survive. Lol...and yes, I certainly "party it up" by myself in the bedroom ALL day long. It really doesn't get any better than that.

    Not everything can be accepted, you know. Not by everyone. When death seems like a better option than accepting something, acceptance won't happen. Drugs may be temporary, but nothing else helps. Even temporarily. So I take what I can get.

    You really shouldn't bother helping me. Like I said before, I always have a negative retort to everything, and the reality of the situation is that I'm either going to find a way to get drugs, or kill myself, or do the former until the latter happens. It's just not going to happen any other way. Not in my situation.
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Nope not going to happen if you dont give it a chance to.

    Are you kidding me, you think what you have is the basic neccesaities, your wrong, you have so much more, I only listed a couple and will list a couple more, and you know what else, I got all these and I just met you.....give me some more time and I can give you way more

    Your going to college, hell you graduated high school
    You have parents that still WANT to talk to you
    You have love all around you that you cant see
    You have good health, your not dying, your killing yourself.....

    And dont tell me to not bother, if you dont want me to post say that but your a human being and as long as you take my opinion to mind, we can pass them back and forth, I dont take your negative talk to heart, cause I know your in pain, I know your hurting, but you care what I think I know that, cause you have a heart, your a good person.
  13. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Your going to college
    To please my mother, who thinks I'm a freak of nature and a failure. I don't go to college for me, I do it for other people. Just like everything else.

    hell you graduated high school
    Actually, I dropped out and had to get my GED. I was already fucked up enough at that point that I just stopped going like 3 months before graduation.

    You have parents that still WANT to talk to you
    Yes, to tell me what a piece of shit I am. I'd rather people not talk to me if all they have to say to me is how much I'm fucking up at life and only making me want to kill myself even more. At best, you can say I have a mother that doesn't want me dead (or at least that's my speculation)...but like I said, she has a funny way of showing that.

    You have love all around you that you cant see
    Let me ask you something, do you care about people who claim they love you (in their own stupid way) whom you don't love in return because they hurt you? Well, I don't. Only two people who matter to me are my fiance and my mother. Except my mother acts like she hates me and, my fiance isn't always there the way that I need him to be.

    You have good health, your not dying, your killing yourself.....
    I might have cervical cancer by now actually because I haven't been able to see the fucking gynocologist for the past 6 months and my HPV could have gotten worse. I'm anemic. I have gastrointestinal problems that I'm too scared to get tested for. I was diagnosed with NOS Mood Disorder, Borderline/Avoidant Personality Disorder, and pretty severe Social Phobia to where I can't take a piss when I need to. If you call that good health...

    And dont tell me to not bother, if you dont want me to post say that but your a human being and as long as you take my opinion to mind, we can pass them back and forth, I dont take your negative talk to heart, cause I know your in pain, I know your hurting, but you care what I think I know that, cause you have a heart, your a good person.
    I'm not going to tell you not to post. I can't tell you what to do. But what I can do is make sure you are well informed that to be involved with me in any way is merely wasting your time on a waste of space.
  14. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Maybe you think your a waste of space but I dont.

    You say you have love around you that you dont love back, thats interesting, cause in alot of what you say is that you feel as noone loves you. I can understand about not wanting to take shit from people who drag you down and beat on you, but you said yourself thats they way they grew up and maybe thats the only way they know how to show love, not that its an excuse to put you down, its not, but be careful of what you wish for. Can I ask when your mom dies, are you going to feel loss, feel pain that shes gone, you will, even though shes probably done some mean and nasty things to you. Dont you think they will feel the same?

    I know we talk alot in circles, and thats okay with me, depression and mental diseases are just like that to me, reruns, but we can change it up a little, we can make it differant if we want to. I tend to think your a little scared of what life can really be like cause your used to feeling this way, it may be all you know now, and to be honest so am I, Im scared of being someone else, but if I dont try then I get to stay the same old miserable self that I am now, so I can either choose to live and try or give up and die. And Ive been through way to much to give up now, and so have you, dont you think you deserve more?

    What holds me here, well I can say my kids and my H but really its me that holds me here, the feelings that I dont want to push on anyone else ever, the life that Ive taken so much BS from, that hopefully one day It will get better, that I will have something open my eyes to living again.

    We can sit and blame alot on alot of things, on what happened as we were kids, on our SO, on our parents, but really it comes down to us, we are the only person in our lives that have the option of changing anything.
  15. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    If they love me by hurting me, that's not good enough to keep me here. My mom, yes, I'd be miserable if she died. But she's not the one I don't love back. I love her to death despite the shit she says. It's the rest of my family that I don't love and don't forgive. I'm sorry, I just don't have the energy to keep talking right now. I'm going to go down some anxiety pills and try to find a reason to live today. Thanks for talking and trying to help.
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I hope your weekend turns around for you, I hope that you realize this is your life, doesnt matter what others think, only you, but you got to stop beating yourself up for things that have already happened and for things you have no control over and put that focus on things that you can change and improve on.

    Dont take to much okay, talk more later. Hugs.
  17. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    TooShy blocked me, but maybe she'll be curious enough to look.

    Sorry TooShy, but there's a big contradiction here. You've put down everyone's suggestions, essentially said you will do nothing about it, and admitted defeat in every aspect of your life. You ask, "What am I living for?" And that's something you don't realize you know already.

    Think about it. Imagine what the critically suicidal do, the kind that go to mental hospitals and drown their heads in the sink. You're not critically suicidal. The step below critically suicidal is similar to what you're experiencing. Do you know what the difference is? The answer is: hope. The truly suicidal don't have this. Nothing of the sort. For them, suicide is the only answer and nothing else will do.

    Do you get it yet? For the moment, you're already saved. You live for something. Because you're posting on this board, making a cry for help to everyone who frequents it. You see a future--no matter how remote it might seem, you see it, and you accept it as a possibility.

    I learned what my hope was when I was violently suicidal. I didn't consciously think of it, it just came into my head, like But I can still try this. So I stopped mid-attempt.

    You can kill yourself at any time. It may be what you choose to do. But there's no reason to do that today.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2011
  18. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I didn't block you.

    The reason I don't just do it is somewhat complicated. It's not merely because I'm not ready. I know I'm not critically suicidal, but one doesn't necessarily have to be in order to do it. I'm the type that's more likely to plan a date and make sure everything's done that needs to be done first rather than just jump off a bridge impulsively or "drown my head in the sink" as you say. I could be ready, but certain conditions have to be met for me to be ready which aren't being met right now. Being that I'm mentally stable enough to wait to do it if I need to, I'm not really sure what's making me want to do it so badly, but I don't think that's all that important. Bottom line is, I do want to, and the option's there if I want to take it. I know who I'm living for - other people. But I still don't know what I'm living for. There's a difference. It could simply be that I can't accept living in this society, maybe chemicals and depression have nothing to do with it and it's all part of a bigger picture that's never going to change. I'm actually willing to bet that's what it is...and that's why I've admitted defeat. I don't stand a chance of changing anything I don't like about the world and my only choice is to disappear. ...Yes, I said the world. Not myself. If I'm totally honest with myself, aside from some of the qualities that I can't control due to human nature, it's other people that I can't stand. The only time I can't accept myself is when other people can't accept me. But if they weren't a factor in this, I think I'd accept myself just fine. At least fine enough to stick around still. So my lack of desire to be here is actually more philosophical than anything else.

    Also, the reason I put down people's suggestions is not for the mere satisfaction of putting them down (how could that possibly bring me any satisfaction anyway?). It's because I honestly and whole-heartedly just don't agree with them and/or they're not a good enough argument against the part of my brain that says: "Life is shit. Stop living it."

    Regardless, I apologize for what I said before. Having BPD, I do have a bit of a short temper.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2011
  19. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Forgiveness is just not something I give to everybody I guess. And it seems I was unlucky enough to have made my own list of people not to ever forgive.

    The things I want to change about myself are impossible to change. And the things that are possible to change, I don't want to change. It's a bit of a catch-22. Either way, it's mostly other people that bother me, not myself.
  20. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hope today is treating you better.

    I didnt mean forgiveness, I also have my list of people that I will never forgive, EVER.....some things in life are neither forgettable or forgiveable, and Im sure we all have those types of lists, its being able to live with those things that makes our life.
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