My fiance notices that I OD on shit all the time...xxxxxxxxxxxx yet does nothing about it. Just tells me it's "bad" and I should stop. Why should I if that's the only way I can feel decent?...All he cares about is his fucking mom anymore. We don't do anything together. He doesn't help me with much. She's the one that's important because she has cancer. Well what if I kill myself before she dies of cancer? Would she still have been more important? I can't take care of myself. I can't get food when I'm hungry. Can't go to the bathroom when I need to. Can't take a shower. I have extreme social anxiety and there are always too many people in the house stopping me from doing these simple things... Also, I stay in one single room ALL day to avoid them. Sometimes I come out to go to the bathroom or eat when I have no other choice and sometimes I come out and watch TV with my fiance. But only when he's home, and he works 5 days a week. Otherwise, I have no contact whatsoever with the outside world other than this forum. The only two people I use my phone for are my fiance and my mom. But, aside from the anxiety, that's how I want it. I hate people and don't want anything to do with them. All people have ever done is let me down. Social anxiety is one thing...it's not chosen...but hatred is completely different. I choose to hate people because they deserve it. But as for getting high, what's left for me to do, being stuck in a single room all day, other than get high all the time? And no, being at my house wouldn't be any different. I'd still be just as alone sitting in one room with nothing to do...no desire to talk to anybody. Except there I'd have the freedom to get high as much as I want as often as I want (because my family wouldn't even notice, that's how fucking caring and observant they are), as well as the freedom to off myself when I feel ready. Here, at least I'm still somewhat trying to live. Maybe not a normal life, but somewhat of a pathetic excuse for one anyway. I don't know anymore. I have thoughts of just doing it one day and leaving him a note saying I couldn't take it anymore. It's possible that the first thing he would do is go get xxxx, and possibly OD and kill himself too...but maybe not. Maybe he'd just get high a few times and then get over me. Not like I'm really that big of a deal anyway. If I was...if my life was all that important...he wouldn't trust me here alone after seeing what I've done. If I combine all the medication I have, I could probably die, or at least end up in the hospital. But that doesn't seem to matter. No matter how fucked up I am, I'm still treated normally by everybody as though nothing's wrong. Regardless, I just sit and do nothing and take up space day after day. The fact that I'm going to school is a joke because I'm sure I'll never finish it anyway, and never be able to hold a job. What's the point? I can't even drive yet because I'm a fucking loser and depression/anxiety held me back in life to where I never wanted to/cared to learn. And I still don't have any medical insurance, which means that I can't see my gynocologist about the HPV that I got from sleeping around with all sorts of nasty people when I was 15, just to feel like somebody cared about me - even if it was a lie. I can't get the procedure done that I need to get done, and because I'm waiting so long I'm sure it'll just turn into cervical cancer and kill me anyway. So again, I ask...why THE FUCK should I continue living this life? For what? I'm 21 and don't know how to do anything normal 21 year olds can do except drink. And at this rate, I never will. My fiance won't even want me anymore one day. He doesn't seem to be trying too hard to help me, more like he just tolerates me and still thinks I can take care of myself when I can't. And my family is 10 times worse than that. I'll end up dropping out of school. And then it'll all be over. So why wait for all that? Why not just get it over with now?