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Didorian Knight

I lost 2 of the persons I loved most in my life. My mother whom I dont even fucking know how she died exactly. And S. who committed suicide.
And I'm scared I'll loose you too.
And as if that isn't enough yet.
My mum was 33 when she died. Her mother was 33 when she died. I can't have you dying at 33 too.
That would be a sign for me.
A part of me has been doing better since I've cut off contact with so many people I love. Not just people of SF but also people of other forums I am a regular member at. I've been cutting off contact even with one of my best online buddies who's been staying at my place from dec 27th to jan 2nd!
But then there's the part that has been doing so bad cos I know people are not doing well. Because I know people are suicidal and because people irl are not doing well either.
I can't talk to anyone anymore. I can't upset anyone any longer. There's only 3 persons whom I talk to every now and then. And I'm gonna slowly stop that as well.
I'm not gonna die, because everyone I love, all of my friends wouldn't want me to and because I'm not gonna give my dad and his wife the pleasure of it. They won't get rid of me like that, nor will anyone. I won't die until my time has come. And my time hasn't come yet.

Nor did yours. You can't die. You can't put me or anyone else through that. But most of all you have to live for yourself. U are such a bright person and you have everything inside you to have a bright future. U just need to find a way to use it. And I got faith in you, as everyone here has. You just need to have faith in yourself as well. I haven't given up on you, and never will. I know you're able to live a happy life. You just can't give up on yourself. You can't. I'm not gonna let that happen.

Everyone here is so damn strong, why can't y'all see that yourselves!!?? *sigh* If you all would love yourselves half as much as you love the other members. If you all would care for yourself half as much as you care for the other members. You all would be so damn happy.
It's so damn cruel.

brutal pain
without meaning to

immense hurt
without wanting to

is humanity
so fucking cruel

why can't y'all love yourselves.
:hug: hun,

I'm sorry about this all. Your thread shows the pain. I know you don't want to lose anyone else. I know it hurts so bad to lose people you care about so much.. and to care about someone after losing people already and being terrified to the depths that you'll lose them too.

I don't know who exactly you're worried about losing so I don't know what's happening. But I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and I'm sorry things seem to suck :( I wish Ic ould help. if I can let me know


as for those here (I think that's what you're talking about) loving themselves.. it's hard when you feel so bad to have worth for yourself. But someday I hope everyone here can. I know you care about people here a lot and you don't want them to be down. :hug:

Sorry if that was shit, I don't make much sense right now :laugh: :unsure:

Just take care ok?

Didorian Knight

thanks a lot Jess, your words are totally right and mean a lot to me. No shit at all. Thank you :hug:

just to let y'all know. I wont even be posting anonymously anymore. I thought that being "On Leave" would make me avoid the triggers as I always get badly triggered by the "let it all out" forum amongst some more forums. But seems I cant avoid anything, not even as a guest.

I wont be posting at all, nor visiting the site. I wont be on msn much if at all, I wont be on skype at all, I wont be in touch with many people. Only very few people will I stay in touch with and I have my ways of staying in touch with them. They will know ;)

Bye y'all and please take good care. :hug: :grouphug: :arms:
I am sorry you feel the only way for you to get better is leave the familiar. I cannot fault you for taking the necessary steps. I hope you will contact at least one of us to let you know what is going on hun.
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:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I love ya and you know where I am if ya need me. And I am sorry about all that, it's hard to deal with, but you'll be ok.... try and relax, and think about what your optios are and what you want and how to cope and get to feeling better. :hug: :hug:
Es :hug: And I agree with you except you shouldnt take distance from everyone, unless it helps you and not because you think it will be better for them. but i dont know a thing about what your thinking. so im not going to make conclusions. ach fuck it, geen zin om in het engels te denken, als je me nodig hebt, je weet me te bereiken :hug:
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