I lost 2 of the persons I loved most in my life. My mother whom I dont even fucking know how she died exactly. And S. who committed suicide. And I'm scared I'll loose you too. And as if that isn't enough yet. My mum was 33 when she died. Her mother was 33 when she died. I can't have you dying at 33 too. That would be a sign for me. A part of me has been doing better since I've cut off contact with so many people I love. Not just people of SF but also people of other forums I am a regular member at. I've been cutting off contact even with one of my best online buddies who's been staying at my place from dec 27th to jan 2nd! But then there's the part that has been doing so bad cos I know people are not doing well. Because I know people are suicidal and because people irl are not doing well either. I can't talk to anyone anymore. I can't upset anyone any longer. There's only 3 persons whom I talk to every now and then. And I'm gonna slowly stop that as well. I'm not gonna die, because everyone I love, all of my friends wouldn't want me to and because I'm not gonna give my dad and his wife the pleasure of it. They won't get rid of me like that, nor will anyone. I won't die until my time has come. And my time hasn't come yet. Nor did yours. You can't die. You can't put me or anyone else through that. But most of all you have to live for yourself. U are such a bright person and you have everything inside you to have a bright future. U just need to find a way to use it. And I got faith in you, as everyone here has. You just need to have faith in yourself as well. I haven't given up on you, and never will. I know you're able to live a happy life. You just can't give up on yourself. You can't. I'm not gonna let that happen. Everyone here is so damn strong, why can't y'all see that yourselves!!?? *sigh* If you all would love yourselves half as much as you love the other members. If you all would care for yourself half as much as you care for the other members. You all would be so damn happy. It's so damn cruel. pain brutal pain without meaning to hurt immense hurt without wanting to why is humanity so fucking cruel why can't y'all love yourselves.