Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by na-taya, Mar 20, 2016.

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  1. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to post i am so sorry I am so pathetic....

    But i need help to make it through the night....I have an appointment tomorrow......but I am trying to make it through the night. It's only 8pm so I'm in for a long one

    My distractions arnt working my cats arnt working...

    I don't even know if i want help.....but I must posting this......

    FUCK im a pathetic excuse for a human why am i bothering to hold on seriously why!! You peice of shit
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are not a piece of crap and you do not ever have to apologise for posting here, that is what we are here for.

    Is the appointment with a doctor or therapist? what are you afraid will happen?

    Know that we are here for you to help you get through this safely. Deep breaths!
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Urghhh i just had a reply and lost it somehow.......
    Everything seems against me right now.

    My appointment is with my peer support worker im not worried about it im just tryna use it as my anker to keep me here until tomorrow at least.

    I am beyond pathetic there are no words for the kind of human i am. I shouldn't be breathing but yet here i am......

    I just wish my attempt in 2009 took me....why have I been around this long?????

    Just hurry up already and listen to me so all this can be over (I'm not talking about you that's what David says to me)

    I'm so weak i don't know how much longer ill be able to be I control of my mind and body for....i am trying and its pathetic i shouldn't try i should just give up already

    Sighh......I'm so sorry
  4. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Ive also been selfharming again and not just the once off slip up either.....but now that's not even working or giving me a release....

    I'm so lost I don't know what to do.

    I also got angry a cut off my hair when I asked my case manager for help so its not so easy for me to do
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No, no giving up, that is forbidden. You can and will get through this. What do you feel would help you right now, realistically, I really feel for you. You're NOT pathetic *hugs* You cut off your hair? Are you very impulsive(like myself)?
  6. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Impulsive im not so sure.....I never use to think I was but maybe I am more so that i realize.......

    I'm not sure what will help im lost.....I've gone thro the list of things that normally help several time over the past two weeks. But just nothing seems to hold it off or distract me enough.....

    Arghh its so hard the battle right now...I'm using every ounce of energy to hold my self off just for that bit longer......I just don't know if i have the power or the strength to last much longer.

    I guess just talking helps sometimes i guess thats why i came here but i feel so pathetic asking people to talk to me or whatever......

    I just hate every ounce of my be I g right now
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    As I said earlier you're not pathetic at all, it takes balls and courage to open up about how you are feeling inside, don't forget that.
    Right, you need to make a crisis plan, can you call your local crisis team in your local hospital?
    Distract yourself with happy music, music can change our moods so much. Have a hot bath. Read a book or magazine, watch tv (not the news), we together will get you through the night safely, big hugs x
  8. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I know but everything is screaming at me not to get help because that means i don't really want to go.....

    I've got music on in my room i am laying in bed with two of my four cats wish one felt like a cuddle n not being at my feet. But they ain't even reaching me like they normally do. It's almost like my heart is almost compeletly black.

    I've had a hot shower I do not have a bath or I would def do that for myself!! I've had insence burning to try help relax me. I can't really watch tv or read to much at the moment I can't focus for very long so it's hard to get into reading witch i normally love to do.........maybe I could get my colouring book out I havnt done them for awhile....

    I refuse to call my local hospital and im not sure if the crisis team is part of the hospital or not but I don't really trust them at all and i DONT want to end up back on the mental health ward. I'm ment to be leaving mental health services not getting more involved with them....

    I know that these feeling are ment to pass and im sure they will but how long will it be till they come back and I can't keep going around even if there are some semi good times I'm not sure they are worth it anymore

    I'm sooo tied.....I didn't even know it was possible to be this tied.
  9. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Well colouring didn't work.......I couldn't focus long enough on it..........but one of my cats has decided to be my shadow for now he isn't really leaving me alone.
    It's nice and I can kind of feel my love for him/them a teeny tiny little bit so that's at least a start i just to get through the rest of the night....
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hun, I will send you all my positive vibes for you to make it through until the morning! You have been fighting brave all night already I can tell. I'm proud of you!
    Enjoy your cats, play with them, pet them. Let your fingers run through their fur, even smell them.

    Keep fighting hun, I KNOW you can do this! I'm so happy you're here still. You're such a nice person and you've been so kind to me!

    Hang in there!
  11. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    We're all worth it. Our illnesses just work against us and make us feel so bad. I think it's a defensive thing that sadly in today's age makes us suicidal. I'm just thankful to places like this for the help.

    I hope you have managed to sleep. If not, I really hope you have found some help. Lack of sleep can make us so much worse. Especially if we're not eating and drinking.

    If you need to chat please let me know. I can't say I'm any better off than you, but I am a firm believer that we can help each other and in doing so help ourselves.
  12. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    Cats can sense when a person is in distress. I remember the night I got back home after being assaulted the family cat was suddenly giving me attention and he rarely did up till then
  13. Baddy15

    Baddy15 Member

    Please don't do anything!! We all have those moments when we think "nobody cares today is the day..." Please don't do anything foolish.

    I don't have any real advice to say except that last week I was VERY close to doing something then the next morning I woke up and some positive things happened leaving me thinking "I almost missed out on this positive day or I could've taken this positive day from my loved ones of they found me the way I ALMOST was going to have them find me".

    Breathe. Come speak to us (figuratively) before doing anything. Please. The hairs are standing on my arms right now. Live your life.

    Crap! I'm the last person someone should listen to but DAMN, I'm a stranger and even I know you're worth more.
  14. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Wow thank you so much everyone for you kind words and support.

    I didn't get much sleep maybe a few hrs and then woke up super early as well.

    Today is my only friends birthday as well as my appointment so I have to see her and pretend that I'm not exhausted and im excited for her day.......

    I don't know why i keep bothering to hold on for.......I so know good will come and possitive experiences will happen but I'm not sure i care enough about them for them to keep me around much longer.

    I dont want to do this anymore
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I know you are hurting but you can see the care and compassionate support from others. Yes, we all have mad moments but life is about being caring for each other. Folk do understand and no doubt do the same actions as you do.

    I plead with you from the bottom of my heart that you reconsider any decision you make and hang in there. Life might be turbulent but things can improve. Please keep posting and if you want to chat them send a private message.

  16. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    That's somthing i don't understand is the care and compassion from others i don't deserve it from anyone....especially not from people as nice and kind as you all seem to be!!

    I decided im not going to see my friend I just can't right now. Every moment is a battle to not to put a stop to all this.....yes my seeing my friend might help this but I am NOT going to stuff her birthday up!! By being there and being miserable.

    I feel so pathetic posting so much (and no I don't think other who post are pathetic just myself) i hate feeling so desperate.....

    I don't want to suffer through anymore not another day or even.

    It's 11.30am and my appointment is at 2 because if i don't show for that they will get sus so I need to be smart about this
  17. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Why did I even bother holding on

    I need the courage to do this and do it soon.

    I can't anymore
  18. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hun, no giving up now!

    You can hold on and get better, I know it! You've been so strong already. Keep the faith. Keep talking to me.

    *hugs you tight*
  19. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I'm lost i don't know what to do........I cant even cry (not that i really let myself cry much) but I feel it may help but I just can't

    I dont know what to do to help myself anymore.......

    I will try hold on but I'm so weak now it's not even funny anymore.

    I can't think clearly or stay focused.
    I'm so so so I don't even know
  20. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Call your team hun and tell them exactly what you're telling me. You deserve to be helped.

    Can you pet you cats, hold them? They cheer you up don't they?
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