Pleasing the world

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AfraidofMyself, Jun 24, 2007.

  1. I'm so tired of having to please everyone. I wish I could just do what makes me happy without worrying who is going to be affected by it.
    I also wish I could be my own person and not be so dependent on another human for everything. Nobody is worried about me but they should be. Why doesn't anyone worry about me? Do I really hide it all that well? Why am I not appreciated?
    It's bad enough that my father said no to something that I'd really enjoy but then someone close to me was not being understanding of the situation. My ex-boyfriend told me that his porn obsession/addiction was caused by me and he was practically using me when he was with me. My boyfriend tried to commit suicide rather than trying to work through some issues with me. I was up so late one night trying to back the man I love out of suicide that I was an hour late for work--being late honestly just kills me so I felt unworthy of human contact.
    And I'm sure this doesn't make sense but...I want to be worthy of a wait but obviously I'm not. I want to be everything to someone--not the deciding factor in things. I feel like I'm giving so much to everyone. I don't want to give any more. I don't want to please anyone else. I just want to go away.

    I'll tell you what you want to hear. I'll rearrange my entire life for you. I'll deceive for you. I would wait for you if I had to. I wouldn't leave like that. Why can’t I be appreciated?

    I want to break all ties off with everyone so I can go without anyone feeling it is their fault--like how I would feel. I've gotten myself into a terrible mess and I need someone to help me dig my way out but nobody wants to--everyone just walks past like I don't exist or asks me to give them what's left in my pockets. Nobody is worried about me.

    Roles have been reversed. I am my ex-boyfriend. I know exactly how he felt now. I understand his ways now. It scares me to know exactly what he went through with me. I’m surprised he didn’t leave me sooner.

    It seems like every night I try to make the world happy. Every night I spend hours trying to say and do the right things to please the world. In reality, no matter what I’ve said, the world doesn’t care. In the end, I am really not appreciated. In the end, I add up to absolutely nothing. In the end, I just want to be cared about. I want to be worthy. Why am I not worthy?

    I feel like I’m not a real one. It was said that I’m not a real one. Maybe I am not a real one. :cry:

    Why am I not appreciated? Why am I not worthy? Why am I not comforted? Why am I not reassured?
    You should be worried about me. I am not okay, I’ve not been okay. It’s fine though, keep looking past and worrying about your own needs and wants. It’s okay, I understand how it is. I’ve been waiting on comfort…am I worthy yet? :blub:
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There are people here that do worry about you and want to offer you words of comfort and compassion. Sometimes through our depression we are not able to see those that are reaching out to help you. We are there. You are appreciated and cared about. Don't be afraid to post your dreams, your wants, your fears. You are valued. :hug:
  3. Twisted Sweet Lies

    Twisted Sweet Lies Well-Known Member

    Why be a slave to a society that doesn’t give a shit? If no one cares why try to please them? Next maybe people do appreciate you but just don’t know how to show it.

  4. I agree with you, Twisted Sweet Lies.

    People do appreciate you, AoM. I do too and I told you through email about my opinions regarding us, rather than posting about it on SF. Though, I understand your wanting to express your personal feelings about yourself here, even though it involves me.

    Anyways, you have told me that you want to do certain things, including being with me. I have told you that you should do what you want to do, yet you've decided not to. It seems that way thus far, at least until I speak with you next. You told me that you want to visit me, we discussed a potential date for your visit, and then all of the sudden, it changes because someone told you he didn't approve and sprung up other ideas to you of what he wants to do. In my opinion, that makes it seem like you aren't making your own decisions, and then when I try to tell you that you should do what you want to do, you claim I'm being impatient and that I'm not willing to wait for you to visit me. This has hurt me alot due to all of the confusion which is being presented by you to me, even though it isn't your fault, though it certainly isn't helping you either.

    You know about what is going on in my life, what I deal with involving my disability, family, etc. Yet, I'm trying to be here for you, despite all of the issues causing me to be suicidal, issues which don't involve you. However, while I'm trying to help you by encouraging you to make your own decisions about what you want to do with your life, yet, it seems like you won't help yourself, which frustrates me. Also, you have blamed yourself for what occured between you and your ex. You told me he used you. Yet, you remain friends with him. I've told you that I have no problem with you remaining friends with him, and yet, it hurts me when you tell me how he hurts you, which seems to happen almost every time you talk with him. Adding to the pain, is how you seem to be blaming me for trying to visit with you soon, when you have told me that despite everything hurtful he did to you, that you would have went to visit him this summer, had he not broke up with you. Basically meaning that despite all of the pain he caused you, that you'd still go visit him.

    It hurts me that when I try to work out issues with you, it seems like it fails, probably because "I haven't proven myself to you". Then, you blame me for being suicidal. We both are suicidal. After all, we met on SF (not to say that everyone on SF is suicidal, though it seems that most people on SF are suicidal). I love you alot, I want things to work out between us, and I want things to be well for you. If they are going to be successful, we are going to need to try better.

    Please take care.
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2007
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    We should always appricate who we are.

    "I'm so tired of having to please everyone. I wish I could just do what makes me happy without worrying who is going to be affected by it.
    I also wish I could be my own person and not be so dependent on another human for everything."

    It must be very draining and trapping for you. :(

    Even though you are in a tough situation, I enjoyed reading your wish of being your own person. You might not realize it, but by saying it, even if that wish flickers to the surface for only a moment, you are your own person. Everything in life has choices in it, and the more aware we are of life, of other peopls feelings, our desires and actions become surrounded by choices. Some of those choices relate to us directly. Some relate to others around us. I know it's hard when you know something you want to do is going to create friction to another, especially someone you care about.

    It's a choice. And our lives as they flow through life will cross paths with others lives. Sometimes we choose to divert our flows so we don't upset someone elses or ignite something in them. Well... I know you can live like that, and believe me, it's not truly liveing. It's hard to do that too, and you can as a result use your own tools of perception and rationalization to accept that you are doing the right thing. Because, how could you possibly do something that would upset someone else or cause them distress? You might really want to do it so badly, but it'd be selfish to do such a thing, and be the cause of a distruption of someone elses flow. ..
    But you know, there is a flip side. Why should you cease doing what you want to do for another? Why change your life for another? Because they themselves are lacking in a categorey and can't handle what you are doing? There are definatly circumstances when it is necessary to do that, but not all the Time. You have to life your life for yourself. And when your life flows with another or into another, try and see when someone is just not actually trying and simply a grey person who is refusing to accept life.

    You can skip what i wrote but simply, look after yourself. You matter and deserve it all. It's so hard to achieve it all, and it's so worth it. And there are many people in our lives that just are so self absorbed that they will turn anything we say so it's about them, hurting you even more when you lower your defences and open your paths into you. I know it's hard when you open your heart and are stung. When you are in need of a hug and someone just to listen to you and no matter what you said it's taken from you and turned into something that's affecting the person you are shareing with. How hard it is for, I don't know, but however hard it is, don't ever forget that you are important. Your dreams, your wishes, your desires are so important.

    Go for what makes you happy everyday. Every moment you can.

    I really hope you are feeling better AfraidofMyself
  6. I love you, AoM. :cheekkiss: