Lately, I've been in an overwhelming depression. Usually, I'm up and down, but this time I'm stuck, and though I might feel good for a few hours once in a great while, any minute trigger can send me spiraling back down into depression and suicidal thinking. It takes me forever to feel better again; its very frustrating that things can crash down in an instant and yet putting myself back together is a long, drawn-out, exhausting process. The longer I am in depression, the deeper I fall. My motivation and ability to do ANYTHING is weakening by the day. I've been avoiding friends like the plague. I'm not working. At home, I spend a lot of time sleeping, and when I'm awake its just spent doing nothing, drowning in feelings of hopeless. My apartment's a mess, there are so many responsibilities that I've put off, I don't do anything to enjoy myself anymore - hike, spend time with nature, bake, cook, create music, hell even just sit down to watch a movie - lately it is all too overwhelming and is more work than satisfying. It actually all makes me feel worse, doing anything at all stresses me out and then I am more vulnerable to my feelings... all the sudden my emotions will explode and I wind up hurting myself. Mostly though, I have descended so far that I am feeling numb again. The trauma I've faced and dark reality of my situation is all too much for me to experience - the emotions would kill me, so instead I feel nothing. It is the only way to survive. But without passion, I am not motivated to do anything... neither to take care of myself, or to end it all. I don't know how to get out of this. It just keeps spiraling downward. I feel so useless, wasted, and pathetic.