i joined this forum a while back when i was just feeling depressed and wanted someone to talk to about what i was going through. this is my first time back i believe in a couple months. i've seemed to buried myself in a hole i can't escape from. ever since i was about 11-12 years old i haven't seen myself living past the age of 18. at the time it was one of those thoughts that was there that i never really paid to much attention to. but lately that thought has seemed to catch up with me and hit me full force. my parents are in the middle of a divorce after 22 years of marriage, the girl that i love is sleeping with her best friends fiance, and i'm about to be expelled from school for truancy cause i haven't gone in over a month. i haven't officially been expelled but more then likely it's gonna happen. i'm already in my fifth year of high school and from the looks of it i'll be there for a sixth year. i don't want to go to my expulsion hearing cause my parents don't know about it yet and i don't want to disappoint them again because my older brother was an honor's student and i've constantly failed to meet there expectations. my hearing is scheduled for November 26. just nine days away now. and the thought of me living past the age of 18 is the the only thing i can think about because my birthday is November 25. on the 25th i'll be turning 19. before that thought was just a thought because i didn't i'd be going through anything that would make me want to kill myself. but now with all that's going on, i feel that the only thing left to do is kill myself. most of the times when i feel suicidal i say to myself, "it's just a feeling that will go away." but now i feel like there is a time-line for me to do it. if i do it, all my problems will go away. but if i don't, i feel that there's gonna be more problems then what i already have and i won't be able to live with them anyways. can someone help me so that i can die of natural causes when i'm old instead of by my own hands?