Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by lost_child, Nov 26, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    **West V South Side**

    the state of my mind
    I don't expect anyone to understand
    the way I care for myself
    its not shocking I'm left of the shelf

    My mind is a maze, unsure which way to go
    one way could help me, but its slow
    one way takes me to the road of hell
    and the last way tells me to rebel.

    The fights within my mind
    leave me feeling confined
    west side argues its time to go
    south side says why not try to grow

    west side shouts it was ur fault
    south sides scresms it was assult
    west side tells me I'm to blame
    south side tells me Its not my shame

    West side tells me to cut
    south sides tells me to kick it in in the butt.
    West side screams ur have to be hurt
    South side shouts ur not dirt

    West side whispers let me win
    south side whispers it wasn't ur sin.
    West side bellows u never said no
    South side bellows u would have received a blow

    West side screams you have no friends
    South side screams its ur defends
    West side screams ur a freak
    South side screams ur not u find it difficult to speak

    West side shouts no1 will miss you
    south side shouts u will get through
    West side shouts no1 will notice ur not around
    south side shouts ur hurting deep down.

    West side shouts shut up southside
    southside whispers, I tried but was denied.

    **Too Much**

    my eyes are heavy,
    my body aches
    I'm told there more to come
    but try not to worry

    When I move,
    i'm told the ghosts will come
    play around some more
    sending me straight to the floor

    i'm warned that the more this happens
    the more difficult it will become
    I don't feel ready
    I can't take no more.

    already the shites
    are kicking off in the world
    they causing havoc
    everywhere they go

    i'm told its cause of the change
    they starting to feel safe,
    and want to me seen
    and then to be heard

    I'm not ready for this
    moving was meant to be good
    now i'm told that the worse is yet to come
    I won't cope with anymore.

    I don't want the ghosts to come
    I don't want the memories
    to become more intense
    I don't want the "alters" to play anymore

    If I can't just be me,
    without memories
    without these things playing they games
    and destroying my life even more.

    my eyes are too heavy,
    my body aches too much
    I can't go own like this
    I want to just curl up and disappear.

    I want out.
    I can't get out
    i'm trapped in my mind
    i'm trapped in this body

    I'm trapped in this world
    please i need a way out.

    **If I should die**

    If I should ever die,
    without telling my story
    the memories will die with me
    but finally I will be free

    Life was sometimes good
    some of it I misunderstood
    my old man, wasn't a dad
    everything he done was just bad

    my mum, I love with all my heart
    but she always made me feel a spare part
    she done her best, that I can't deny
    but things she done, leaves me with whys

    my step dad, had a history that's not nice
    he was punished and paid the price
    it didn't stop, somedays he would be so gentle
    other days he was just mental.

    I've tried so many times to put right the wrongs
    tried so hard to find somewhere I belong
    many days feeling so alone,
    always feeling on my own.

    I battled through childhood
    tried so hard to be good
    but even then it wasn't good enough
    life was just sometimes too tough

    If I answered back, it was soap
    everyday removed a little bit of hope
    my nan, my uncle done things I can't explain
    but my body felt the strain.

    I don't think I will understand why
    why my life is based on so many lies.
    If I told my story, it would make it real
    but to me it will always feel unreal

    If i could close my eyes
    say my goodbyes
    I don't want to hurt anyone
    but i'm tired, i'm just done

    **My secret**

    Inside I hold a secret,
    so deep and untold
    I was told to keep it quiet
    even when I get old

    The secret is deep inside
    lives in my mind and my soul
    the secret I've tried so hard to hide
    leaves me so empty, never feeling whole.

    The secret comes out in my dreams
    and days when I'm feeling all alone
    a voice in my mind always screams
    let it out, its you life that you own.

    When I try to tell my secret
    everything seems to go wrong
    outside I cause a riot
    pretending to be so strong.

    My mind is so confused
    what is the secret I hold?
    why does my mind and body feel used
    should this secret I hold still remain untold.

    Cracks have already started to appear
    Depression, loneliness, self hate
    never ever do I even shed a tear
    even when I manage to get myself in a state.

    I promised I would never tell
    a secret, should never be told
    a promise that has me living in hell
    but still remains untold.

    I've had chances to share and speak
    but the guilt, the embrassment, the shame
    I end up feeling so weak
    after all I WAS party to he's game.

    Will I ever be able to tell
    Will the same continue happen
    will I silently continue living in hell
    and take my secret to my coffin.


    Inside he contaminated me
    my mind he contaminated.
    with each touch, he's hands
    he's body, every area of him..
    now I'm contaminated.

    Bad blood from my old man
    I never really stood a chance
    from the moment I was conceived.
    bad blood was in me.
    bad blood and then contaminated.

    There were right,
    I am bad, evil and dirty
    from the day I was born
    until the day I die..
    I'm so dirty, dirty in everyway

    bad blood runs thru my veins
    Contamination, diseased
    that's what I am
    don't come near, for I'm not clean
    I'm dirty, disgusting please stay clear.

    I can't ask for forgiveness,
    for this is who I am
    I've tried to get rid of the blood
    but its deep inside, its in my gene's
    dirty, bad, evil, just like my "dad"

    Contaminated...that's what I am.
  2. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    **Somthings will always be a mystery**

    Do you know what its like to see the sun shining
    and to feel the warmth inside?
    Do you know what its like to hear the words I love you
    and feel inside start to glow?
    Do you know what its like to feel someone close
    and feel the connection begin to grow?
    Do you know what its like to look in the mirror
    and the reflection you see so happy and free?
    Do you know what its like to sleep in your bed
    and then wake after a peaceful sleep?
    Do you know what its like to let yourself cry
    to release the pressure building inside?
    Do you know what its like when your feeling lonely
    to be able to let someone come near and close?
    Do you know what its like to feel scared
    and let someone in, to ease the fear?
    Do you know what its like to be held,
    and feel safe in the arms that hold?
    Do you know what its like to have thoughts of happier times,
    just a few to ease the bad times?
    Do you know what its like to talk openly and free
    and not worry about what might be?
    Do you know what its like to walk the down the road
    and feel safe in the presence of people you know?

    Something's will always be mystery.

    **I’m to blame**

    Yes your right it is my fault.
    I am to blame, for everything, my own fate.
    I asked to be abused, I asked to be raped.
    now I'm asking for an escape.

    I shouldn't have been a tease
    but daddy was someone I had to please
    he taught me the first things about sex
    even I was younger then six.

    My body, was something for others pleasure
    I hated it, but then I was always someones treasure.
    It didn't matter what I done,
    as I grow up, I knew it was wrong.

    but still I continued to use my body
    after all i was a nobody
    the body wasn't mine
    I was he's, he's trophy, he's shrine.

    I am to blame, daddy taught me
    never say no, and never tell a soul
    daddy taught me, I was a whore
    I was anyones, just a cheap score.

    Everyone is right, I am a tease
    I think its ok to lead them on, then freeze
    its not ok, i'm a whore, a tart
    guess it shows I have no heart.

    **Soul Gone**

    A life of a child, stolen and broken
    reminders of the pain, no day ever fun
    lies & torture have taken their toll
    all that's left is a slow bleeding of my soul

    My soul is slowing dying
    inside i'm crying
    Anger, rage seems to be gone
    nothing left I'm so withdrawn

    I've no fight left to give
    one day I HOPE your be able to forgive
    for my actions that i'm about to follow
    But life has just taken its final blow.

    I'm calm, smiling,..life's great
    no one could see how much I was hurting
    words, signs..I tried..now its just too late
    Inside I was crying, my soul just dying.

    empty..void..nothing left but death

    **Hurt too much**

    why do this memories keep coming?
    can't people see I'm not coping.
    I can't deal with what I know
    why is life dealing another blow.

    Depression is taking over
    another dark cloud above
    pushing me further into the ground
    peace is never to be found.

    he had already taken so many years
    I've not even started working on my fears
    now you tell me I was younger
    I won't ever find any closure.

    I hurt, I really hurt
    i need someone to give me comfort
    I hurt so deep
    that I keep starting to weep.

    I'm sad, so down and sad
    all these feelings are sending me mad.
    Can i talk, or will i go it alone
    all I seem to do is moan.

    i thought pain, was seen with a cut
    now I realise the worse pain is my secret.
    it eats away inside
    causing me to want to die.

    The dirt, from he's hand on my skin
    goes so deep its within.
    I was 8, when you hand touched me
    now I feel like a nobody.

    You have made me, someone I don't know
    inside is empty, void, hollow.
    I might walk, talk and breath
    but u have sentenced me to death

    I hurt so much, I can't explain
    so tight around me are he's chains
    I won't ever breakfree from what hes done
    after all he's ruined my life and has won.

    **Will you help?**

    If I promised to continue to fight
    would you help show me the light
    If I start to fall
    Will you stand tall?

    When I start to feel small
    Will you help me feel tall?
    when the memories flood me
    will you help ease the pain.

    When all seems lost
    will you help me find the way
    when I've fallen to far,
    will you help being me back.

    please, I need some how
    I just don't know where to go
    how to say I'm desperate
    and need to let go.

    I want to fight back
    not always, looking for a way out.
    but the demons are getting bigger
    and i'm feeling smaller.

    please someone...who understands
    I need someones hand.

    **This time will pass**

    When do you wake up filled with joy?
    plan the day for you to enjoy.
    When do you wake and feel alive
    feeling that you did survive.

    When do the feelings of loneliness disappear
    feeling that someone is close and near
    When does the fear fade away
    just so I can say I'm ok.

    When does life become more then a fight
    so you can finally see some light
    When does sleeping, become something of peace
    or even to help give me some release.

    When can you feel proud of yourself
    or even start to like myself
    when can you look in the mirror
    and see the picture much clearer

    When does love and care become more then words
    not something said just from those bastards.
    when Do you feel that you are wanted
    and life is no longer haunted.

    **Soul goes to heaven**

    When your soul goes to heaven
    all sins are forgiven
    When your body is laid to rest
    finally you will feel blessed.

    Your body burns and turns to ashes
    no more of your life passes you in flashes
    people say goodbye
    some may even cry.

    My soul is broken,
    I wish I'd never spoken
    from the days where I tried to laugh
    to the days where I had enough.

    My body started to decompose
    as it received even more blows
    I entered the early stages of death
    just waiting to take my last breath.

    I'd already started to die.
    and was prepared to say good-bye
    the letters almost done
    to show that somedays were fun

    This time next week,
    my broken soul
    will go to heaven
    my body will be laid to rest

    My sins will be forgiven
    no longer will I be scared
    the time has come for my final quest
    I now have to lay my soul to rest

    **Tomorrow never comes**

    We live in silence everyday.
    never able to find away.
    to break away from this curse
    bound so tight, makin things worse.
    The silence stays alone in my mind.
    never able to leave the past behind
    arguments so deep inside
    but inside they stay and continue to hide.
    I've tried, lord knows I've tried
    to break the silence, so I don't have to hide
    but feelings of self loath, self hate
    just continue to add to the internal debate.
    No one will understand, you can't even explain
    why you have these thoughts, so mad and insane
    the destructive behaviour, The crazy ways.
    oh well its just one of those days.
    Try to explain, in words you understand
    don't even come close to hand.
    Words are confusing, lead to don't knows
    or maybe its because I can't deal with anymore blows.
    My words, are whacky, insane and mad
    just like me so bad and sad.
    Instead of saying what I feel
    I become a fraud, so unreal
    I say lifes "great"
    don't need a soul mate
    I laugh, I joke
    well who needs to know its because of the coke.
    and then I get annoyed, angry and mad
    why can't people see inside I'm sad
    I push everyone away,
    and then get lonely when they stray
    I try in my own way, to say help me please
    but then I close down and freeze.
    I try to evaluate why I react how I do
    why I always feel like poo
    Why I remain with arguments in my mind
    why I can't just leave the past behind.
    Why the past controls who I am.
    why I feel no1 gives a damn.
    Struggling through each day,
    but still I have to smile and say I am ok.
    until the day comes when ok, see's me fade away.
    Silenced from such a young age,
    still here I am trapped in that cage
    even after years have passed
    I am still trapped in the past.
    Never mind its only me
    tomorrow will come and I will be free..
    Sadly, tomorrow never comes, so trapped I will always be.

    **Depression my only friend**

    Can you hear me?
    Do you see the pain inside?
    Do you think were ever be free?
    From all that has been denied?

    When I speak, do you hear the sound?
    the pain that rips thru my heart,
    watching as I fall, and lay on the ground
    watching as I start to fall apart.

    Do you see the hurt, that I feel
    even when I can't express the pain
    will I be able to release the pain and heal
    at the moment, lifes' too much of a strain.

    Do you see the dark cloud above my head
    walking thru a storm, with no light
    nothing to show me what's ahead
    not feeling I will ever be alright.

    When I'm running away,
    trying to escape
    needing someone to show me the way
    pull me back, and push me into shape.

    Does anyone hear the pain I feel
    Can anyone ever really help me heal
    Will this pain ever end?
    or is depression now my only friend.

    **Teddy Bear**

    last night, as i cried a tear
    I held my teddy bear near.
    why had this single tear fell
    why couldn't I just yell.

    I held the teddy bear so tight
    was I starting to lose my fight
    memories took over my fate
    remembering years I've started to hate

    remembering the nights when a teddy was near
    when being scared, was shown with a tear
    when love was shown with a hug
    now realising it was love from a thug.

    the only time I was held near
    was when part of me would disappear
    with hands to cause physical pain
    and words that I can't begin to explain.

    A brothers love was punches to the head
    kicking me sometimes until I bled
    my sister banging my head against the wall
    to try and calm me from what I recall.

    my mum, was to busy with her life to care
    people said she was having an affair
    She says she knew something was wrong
    so why didn't she help us to belong.

    She would never cuddle you
    or say the words I love you.
    she wouldn't play a game
    unless it was to bring some shame.

    She was never proud of anything I done
    put me down, made me a no one.
    sent me away with every chance she had
    saying it was because I was bad.

    Be it to nan's, for more of the same
    to "Charlie's" for he's games
    even to my old mans when I younger
    given into he's and he's son's hunger.

    I don't remember all the years
    I hardly shed any tears
    can I share a secret, and admit I have fears
    and that life isn't what it appears.

    **Another day**

    do i want another day like the last
    another year stuck in the past
    another minute, living like this
    someone is surly taking the piss

    reminders everywhere I go
    just waiting for another blow
    taunted by fear
    not able to cry a single tear

    living with pain and fear
    wondering who is near
    not believing all the years
    life isn't what it appears

    people around me, believing i'm okay
    but its my own fault, as its what I say
    how do u say, ur falling apart
    and that your ready to depart?

    Emotionally, financially,
    mentally and physically
    everything destroyed
    my life just a void

    No sleep, being ill
    just pop another pill
    all this caused from the pain inside
    but still I choose to hide.

    the years I don't believe
    the years I don't want to relive
    but memories, thoughts insist I do
    no control over anything I do.

    the past your told to let go
    but how when you have no control
    even today, the past holds me
    restricting everything I do to a degree.

    I try to trust, but then get scared
    I try to talk, but words are mumbled
    I can't get close,
    men nor women

    sex, cuddles, just remind me.
    my body, clams down, no control again
    I've tried to change.
    but I've lost in every way.

    The feelings of loneliness,
    trapped in distress
    my heads so confused
    trying to understand why I was abused.

    Who, what, when and why
    questions, I ask myself
    when did it start, when does it end
    life is over I can't pretend.

    I'm shake with every unknown noise
    get jealous with others joys
    My head goes fuzzy
    I start to fade away.

    I feel so young, do things I can't explain
    feelings, emotions I can't contain
    explosions, eruptions
    cause me so much disruption.

    Tell me again, how I can live another day?
    Tell me again, how I can let go off the past?
    I can't so tonight will be my last.
    Sorry, its all gone on too long.

    but never mind its only me
    no1 care what happens to me
    if I live or if I die
    it will be a blessing in disguise.

    fairwell, one more person missing in the world.

    **No Colours**

    The darkness surrounds me
    nothing around but darkness
    People around me
    I watch them walk on

    Coldness feels
    no warmth from blankets
    no warmth from words
    coldness, emptyness

    Trapped in this world
    no-one else can see
    just my thoughts,
    my feelings, and me.

    I stand still, looking on
    a black and white movie
    jumbled, confused,
    moving, but images blurred

    no colours in my life
    no reds, yellows, pinks or blues
    just a black and white movie
    is all it shows.

    No red from the anger
    no green from envy
    no blue from sadness
    no pinks for love.

    I'm to tired
    my energy drained
    I'm going to bed now
    night everyone.

    **This heart of mine**

    this heart of mine
    so tired of breaking
    this heart of mine
    so so yearning
    this heart of mine
    so dying
    this heart of mine
    not beliving
    this heart of mine
    still bleeding
    this heart of mine
    so scared of feeling
    this heart of mine
    so deceived.
    this heart of mine
    just stopped beating.

    **Angel within**
    its getting dark, I'm falling again
    I look to the angel and see she's been cryin
    the look in her eyes are so sad and withdrawn
    I can't help to wonder what I have done
    so I ask why are u crying my angel
    she looks me in the eye and begins to say
    for u my friend have lived my lif
    u felt my pain, u suffered the same
    U see what I see, u feel what I felt
    but one day u have to believe
    that u and I will be free
    u have to accept the good, be honest with urself.
    U have to see that the sun does shine
    its not always rain in the skyline
    the clouds that cover ur eyes
    will gradully move and ur be from the why's
    U have to free urself from them
    u can't let the abuse start again
    stand strong, stand tall
    show them that u aren't a fool.
    please break from them both
    we don't need them to stop our growth.
    we need to push them aside
    so we can rebuild our life.
    please for me will u accept the support
    get the help, break from them all.
    when ur away from them at last
    then u will be able to work on ur past
    I looked in her eyes and tried to explain
    why I find it so hard and insane
    for when we reached our for support
    our hands were pushed back, their is no support
    when we were younger,
    we were a peice of china
    we were dropped and smashed
    broken and bashed
    the peices were glued all together
    as I tried to hide my feeings my failure's
    the peices have begun to fall and smash
    a thousand peices lay they on the ground.
    my stubborness, my let downs in the past
    prevent me moving on, letting go
    letting go of the barriers that are bult so high
    its sometimes seems easier to say goodbye.
    I know deep down its not love they show
    but I've become used to it somehow
    love was always this way
    but should I have to reply.
    Replay the past that hurt us
    replay the days that blind us
    listen to the words that haunt us
    feel the pain that has cused us
    I try with all my strength
    to fight for u my friend
    to let u be free from pain
    let u live again.

    **on my own**

    When I woke this morning I wasn't scared
    as I realised not a person in the world cared.
    I'd always been on my own
    always the person who was unknown.

    I don't want attention, I don't want care
    I don't even want someone to share
    I don't want anything in life.
    not now that I have my knife.

    I don't want a family, I don't want a friend
    then it won't hurt when I do want I intend
    Not that it matters anymore, I'm past that line
    god has finally given me a sign.

    I don't need people to tell me they understand
    or reach out they hand
    I don't need anyone
    to tell me this war can be won.

    All my life I've been the unknown
    always feeling and being so alone
    the person that sits on the outside
    hiding away as she has no pride

    Now that god has given me a sign
    I know what I have to do so I can be fine
    he knows there's nothing keeping me here
    He knows I have to run, never to feel fear

    Friends and Family won't even know
    as communication broke down along time ago
    Weeks will go past
    before they realise the other week was my last

    **So Tired**

    so tired of fighting,
    going on,
    each day just too much.

    No place to turn
    all the windows,
    doors are closed
    no where to hide.

    I'm cold inside
    i'm in a dark place
    no place to turn too.
    no where I can go

    shutters have closed
    nobody around,
    nobody to hear my cries
    or see my lows

    I'm down,
    i'm out
    i'm tired
    and done.
  3. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    These are good, did you write them ?
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Yeah I wrote them and more, rubbish I know.
  5. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    they are not rubbish at all, when i read them, i can really relate, keep up the good work... x
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I don't think they're rubbish at all either. Wow, they really moved me. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but keep writing because you obviously can express yourself and how you're feeling very well. I like 'angel within' the most, but I liked and was affected a lot by all of them.
  7. k2hsharpe

    k2hsharpe Antiquities Friend

    *She was never proud of anything I done
    put me down, made me a no one.*

    I've never met you lost_child
    but from your posts
    I think I would be proud
    to call you friend.
    It's such a shame
    that your Mum's loss
    is your pain.

    You are someone
    ... Special.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Great poems :hug:
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