do i want another day like the last another year stuck in the past another minute, living like this someone is surly taking the piss reminders everywhere I go just waiting for another blow taunted by fear not able to cry a single tear living with pain and fear wondering who is near not believing all the years life isn't what it appears people around me, believing i'm okay but its my own fault, as its what I say how do u say, ur falling apart and that your ready to depart? Emotionally, financially, mentally and physically everything destroyed my life just a void No sleep, being ill just pop another pill all this caused from the pain inside but still I choose to hide. the years I don't believe the years I don't want to relive but memories, thoughts insist I do no control over anything I do. the past your told to let go but how when you have no control even today, the past holds me restricting everything I do to a degree. I try to trust, but then get scared I try to talk, but words are mumbled I can't get close, men nor women sex, cuddles, just remind me. my body, clams down, no control again I've tried to change. but I've lost in every way. The feelings of loneliness, trapped in distress my heads so confused trying to understand why I was abused. Who, what, when and why questions, I ask myself when did it start, when does it end life is over I can't pretend. I'm shake with every unknown noise get jealous with others joys My head goes fuzzy I start to fade away. I feel so young, do things I can't explain feelings, emotions I can't contain explosions, eruptions cause me so much disruption. Tell me again, how I can live another day? Tell me again, how I can let go off the past? I can't so tonight will be my last. Sorry, its all gone on too long. but never mind its only me no1 care what happens to me if I live or if I die it will be a blessing in disguise. fairwell, one more person missing in the world. *************my teddy bear*********** last night, as i cried a tear I held my teddy bear near. why had this single tear fell why couldn't I just yell. I held the teddy bear so tight was I starting to lose my fight memories took over my fate remembering years I've started to hate remembering the nights when a teddy was near when being scared, was shown with a tear when love was shown with a hug now realising it was love from a thug. the only time I was held near was when part of me would disappear with hands to cause physical pain and words that I can't begin to explain. A brothers love was punches to the head kicking me sometimes until I bled my sister banging my head against the wall to try and calm me from what I recall. my mum, was to busy with her life to care people said she was having an affair She says she knew something was wrong so why didn't she help us to belong. She would never cuddle you or say the words I love you. she wouldn't play a game unless it was to bring some shame. She was never proud of anything I done put me down, made me a no one. sent me away with every chance she had saying it was because I was bad. Be it to nan's, for more of the same to "Charlie's" for he's games even to my old mans when I younger given into he's and he's son's hunger. I don't remember all the years I hardly shed any tears can I share a secret, and admit I have fears and that life isn't what it appears. ********on my own******** When I woke this morning I wasn't scared as I realised not a person in the world cared. I'd always been on my own always the person who was unknown. I don't want attention, I don't want care I don't even want someone to share I don't want anything in life. not now that I have my knife. I don't want a family, I don't want a friend then it won't hurt when I do want I intend Not that it matters anymore, I'm past that line god has finally given me a sign. I don't need people to tell me they understand or reach out they hand I don't need anyone to tell me this war can be won. All my life I've been the unknown always feeling and being so alone the person that sits on the outside hiding away as she has no pride Now that god has given me a sign I know what I have to do so I can be fine he knows there's nothing keeping me here He knows I have to run, never to feel fear Friends and Family won't even know as communication broke down along time ago Weeks will go past before they realise the other week was my last. ****the day I died**** I couldn't reach out, I couldn't explain why I was feeling depressed and insane the thoughts that were set inside my mind I couldn't share, nor leave behind. I held onto the last bit of hope praying someone would throw me a rope I couldn't reach out nor find that friend somehow I had to find an end The phone calls I made late at night, were my cry for help from troubles and fright yet still I couldn't explain, couldn't reach out so alone I lived with my own fears and doubt. Thinking about life and how I would end my fears I started looking back through all the years trying to remember a time I felt loved but instead finding & feeling so unloved I couldn't explain, I couldn't reach outI couldn't even scream and shout. If I could have found that voice maybe now I would have a choice. I wished the pain would go away why was it there and why did it stay The silence I knew had to be broken but I couldn't do it, I was to heartbroken. Then when I told Mum I was going to die She wanted to form some tears in her eye if she had loved me or even showed she cared maybe then I could have been repaired. She never loved me, She never cared She left me alone frightened and scared She watched, llistened and she knew and yet to her abuse was taboo. so now the demons that held me for so long in their grasp the good old Lord decided to take me at last so now you can think about me in your head Because when you read this I will be dead Goodbye and fairwell my friend i loved you all from the start to the end Be strong, be kind, and never look to far behind always live for your own peace of mind.