Poetic Tragedy. ~ !! ~**Extremely Suicidal**~ !! ~

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Silenced Nephilim, Jun 24, 2014.

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  1. Silenced Nephilim

    Silenced Nephilim Banned Member

    1.

    You lit me on fire. You locked the door and gave me the choice of burning to death or jumping out of a building. I endured your pain and suffering and have internal scars that run deep into my core. The building burned down yet I lived. I am the boy who survived to come out victimized by more people I trusted the most. Betrayed and discarded. I rose from the ash of the ground and I am at rock bottom. I have covered up the pain and burns.

    Nobody needs to know what misery I have encountered. I wear a mask to prevent you from seeing what I have endured. I show you that I am happy on the outside of my mask so you don't see my ugly scarred past and face. Do not be afraid to see that I have been hurt.

    If you look in my piercing eyes you can see the pain and suffering. Do not stare for too long. You can not fix what I have endured. I am not sad nor depressed, however I look like a tortured repulsive beast. I will understand if you abandon the thought of comforting me in fear that I will feel warmth that is not the flames of my past. I do not fear having warmth inside of me.

    I embrace the good and acknowledge my past. Light and dark is what I am made of. I am holding on to a marginal flicker of light surrounded in darkness. My shadow keeps me company. It would do good to abandon me before you see my monstrous face. I have a sad look, however delusional and happy. I find solace in myself. I need nobody to comfort me in my life and the shadow knows best that it to leaves in darkness. Only in darkness am I truly alone.

    I yearn to feel what I have never had. Not desperate or need to feel this kind of intense feeling of comfort. This is merely my desire. A desire to have love whilst my idle heart withers as the time clicks on. I am not entitled to this kind of emotion. I bide my time as my days are numbered. I have now revealed to you a secret of mine. The only pain I suffer daily is the feeling and desire of comfort. No need to pity this past of mine.

    I encourage you to smile on as I smile back with words of wellness and that I am most certainly ok and fine with being out their on my own. This independence is all I have to offer. I have no money. I have virtually no looks to give. My heart is made of broken steel. My feelings are empty like a husk. I just want to cry when I want to, but the tears will not come out. Internally bleeding emotions I communicate through writing.

    I see it this way, the people who release their emotions should consider it a gift. I however can not release my emotions simply because I am incapable of breaking down. I am numb to all my feelings. "Stop your fucking crying or I will give you a fucking reason to cry" I wish I had a new memory and just forget everything and have feelings again.

    I developed with thinking you either control your feelings or you let them control you. The problem is I have been controlling my feelings for so long I do not know how to cry,get upset,smile,etc.

    I feel vulnerable, overwhelmed ,jaded,alone, but mostly worthless.

    I have no job, no high school diploma, no love in my heart, practically no family anymore. I have cyber friends who comfort me from there safe haven. I have had a rough past and it is hard for people to understand it.

    Most people would rather look elsewhere and be interested in someone with no sad history. I cover up everything on a daily basis so I appear to be this strong and ultimate hero. I am the one who fights for everyone to be happy and for everyone to feel better and gets nothing in return and smiles with the utmost delusion.

    Everyone wants a hero to save them. I am there to save you all. Nobody needs to save a hero. Heroes die and their legend moves on with them. I however am far from a hero. I am just a heartless nobody. To be quite honest I am a wandering husk, a ghost in a shell, and I gave away that stupid device in my chest that was hurting from all the pounding and beatings it endures. I am no longer afraid of being vulnerable since hurting is the only thing I have ever known. I open myself up to hurt. I want to stop hurting yet I allow myself to be vulnerable.
    The Irony is unbearable.

    I am on the border of insanity. I hate how I try to be positive and life wants to fuck up my daily thinking. Every day I smile and take a breath and say today's going to be great. I look at all my advantages instead of disadvantages in life, however after 20 years of a series of unfortunate events I grow ever so tired of feeling this way. Stay strong and stay positive. I am so fucking happy I could cry.


    2.

    Felt the drop a glass full of water,
    Losing grip on the handle as I try to save it.
    Holding my chest as I watch it slip.
    Falling towards the ground spilling liquid rapidly.
    Catch the glass, or save the contents?
    I attempt to save the glass but it shatters.
    Tearing my heart, ripping my flesh apart.
    Repulsed at the sight of myself.
    I regret trying to save the unsalvageable.
    Covered in blood.
    Surrounded by water.
    The glass is shattered and broken.
    Shards of glass rip my heart in two.
    My face covered in red, but turning blue.
    I watch as my blood consumes the water.
    Surrounded in shards of glass.
    I look through the glass and see nothing.
    It's crystal clear.
    A clean cut.

    3.

    On the bathroom floor,
    I lay down dead,
    but I am still breathing.
    I must be insane.
    I promise you I don't deserve to be.
    Be alive or remain dead?
    Living yet not very alive.
    Oh how I am dead, but I keep on breathing.
    The dead is beautiful,
    Oh so very beautiful .
    I wish I could be beautiful.
    I wish I were DEAD!!
    I wish I could be living,
    I wish I were ALIVE!!
    but now, I only wish I could be breathing.

    4.

    I am thrown into the forest with wolves, and people watch and hope for my survival.

    People care more about saving animals then saving me

    In the end your surrounded by people but stand alone

    Relying on your shadow for company but,

    Even in darkness your shadow leaves you.

    5.

    Alone, but strong
    On the ground I will rise up
    Or get shot down.

    It seems that I have found nothing at all,
    Slowing down, Slowing down.
    I am screaming for someone to hear.

    I'M ON MY OWN!

    6.

    Invincible to rubber bullets pounding into a brain mixture.

    Stirring up trouble by being,

    My arms reaches out for help,

    But you trample on them like weeds.

    7.

    Even Demons have Demons...

    8.

    Despite it all, I just embrace the rainy days and hope for sunshine in a seemingly never ending storm

    9.

    "Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
    My head against the wall.
    But I did this to myself.
    Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
    so I'll blame it on bad luck.
    And I'll shake responsibility, yeah.

    I spent some time in a bad place at 18,
    wishing I could see something through clear eyes.
    Do you ever wake up to realize
    that your life is meaningless?
    Does it give you strength or lead you to
    your grave at a young age?

    Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
    My head against the wall.
    But I did this to myself.
    Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
    so I'll blame it on bad luck.
    And I'll shake responsibility, yeah.

    It seems that when I ran away from my past
    all my dignity, my faith, my pride got left back.
    And now I think it's time that I realize
    self pity's meaningless.
    Though I'm 10 feet deep,
    I'll claw my way back out from in my grave.

    Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
    My head against the wall.
    But I did this to myself.
    Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
    So I'll blame it on bad luck.
    And I'll shake responsibility.
    And say a hard life did this to me.

    Now I realize, I'd give anything I have
    to walk a day in my old shoes.
    Wondering what my first smoke would be like,
    my first fuck, my next fuck up.
    {Or} the next band that would change my life
    and it changed my life
    and it changed my life.

    Pound my knuckles hard against the floor.
    My head against the wall.
    But I did this to myself.
    Assume it's just not worth getting back up,
    So I'll blame it on bad luck.
    And I'll shake responsibility.
    And say a hard life did this to me." - Bayside

    10.

    "I hate myself,
    more than I ever let on.
    I'm burned out at 22.
    I lived too fast and I loved too much and I'll die too young,
    but I chose this cup that I drank from.
    Knew what I was getting into.
    But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
    I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
    that I've committed and:

    I've made mistakes,
    but I'll find my way.
    There's no explanation for,
    the things I've failed at before.
    They can't hold my hand.
    It just hurts to be a man,
    Through the tortures of the damned.

    If I only had an axe,
    I'd sever the ties I've made with the world.
    Maybe I can be a stranger,
    in a strange place.
    If I start now, maybe I can be saved.
    If I only had a mask,
    I'd cover these bleeding eyes.
    They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn.
    If I wake up now,
    I can be pure again." - Bayside

    11.

    "This isn't who I am.
    From confidence to self doubt in 60 seconds.
    Storming stages and stereos from here to there,
    trying to prove that I belong.
    Trying to win approval from people that I don't know.

    And I look so strong
    when the weight of all the world
    don't take its toll.
    And I'd choose my sides
    if I believed in what was right,
    but I'm all wrong.

    I'm not larger than life, I'm not taller than trees.
    Do I mean what I say? Is it just this disease where I never go home.
    Never telling the truth how this life eats away.
    Not admitting I'm fake
    and I'm questioning whether this whole thing was worth it to die poor and all alone?

    And I look so strong
    when the weight of all the world
    don't take its toll.
    And I'd choose my sides
    if I believed in what was right,
    but I'm all wrong.

    Just don't tell me this doesn't mean the world,
    'cause my ears would bleed and my heart would hit the floor.

    And I look so strong
    when the weight of all the world
    don't take its toll.
    And I'd choose my sides
    if I believed in what was right,
    but I'm all wrong." - - Bayside

    12.

    "The cup is not half empty as pessimists say
    As far as he's sees, nothing's left in the cup
    A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge
    Since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up

    A singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
    He gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....
    Is just a tragedy

    So he voyages in circles
    Succeeds getting nowhere
    And submits to the substance
    That first got him there

    Then in violent, frustration, he cries out to God or just no one
    Is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
    Is just a tragedy

    He feels alone
    His heart in his hand
    He's alone
    He feels alone
    I feel....

    Then on that last day he breaks
    and he stood tall
    then he yelled, and he yelled
    (why world, why world, hate you, hate you, bye world)

    violent frustration
    he cries out to God or just no one
    is there a point to this madness
    and all that he was is just a tragedy" - - The used

    13.

    Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
    Where worries are washed out to sea
    See the changes, people's faces blurred out
    Like the sun spots or raindrops

    Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
    but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

    Left the only worries I had in my hands
    Away from the light in my eyes
    Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
    'Cause feelings mean nothing now

    All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
    but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
    (yeah today is on my mind)

    Now I can't care to worry
    I'm feeling so lonely
    Breaking apart all this love in my heart

    Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
    Where feelings mean nothing now

    All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
    But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
    for today is on my mind
    yeah today is on my mind

    Now I can't care to worry
    I'm feeling so lonely
    Breaking apart all this love in my heart - The used

    14.

    Oceans of ruby
    We never cried for pain
    Lost in the dark sea
    You sadly died in vain - Serenity






    Is it normal to want to end your own life when everyone abandons you?
    I am falling apart.

    I am contemplating suicide.

    For 21 years I have been headstrong.

    It is all adversity.

    It's an obstacle to get over.

    Every day I smile and take a breath and say today's going to be great. I look at all my advantages instead of disadvantages in life, however after 21 years of a series of unfortunate events I grow ever so tired of feeling this way. Stay strong and stay positive.

    I am completely independent.

    My father has done some inhumane things to me.

    My Mother lives of the government or when I was a child, me.

    My biological family knows I am intelligent and that being homeless is my only option.

    From the Betrayal family I disowned, to the orphanage they put me in, and through the fire I came out with scars of torture that they bestowed upon me.

    I am done trying to be happy with myself.

    Happiness is a persona I have been using for a long time and it makes me delusional.

    How can someone who feels nothing anymore feel happiness?

    I want to cry and just bleed out emotions.

    I fear that in this selfish world you need to control your feelings and just keep to yourself.

    I survived worse things than a holocaust and now back on the streets with no family and no love in this world.

    Everything is so cold... is there a point in this madness we call living?

    We are born to die.

    My life is a poetic tragedy.

    I am ghost who can't hurt anybody, can't feel anything, and has no soul.

    I do not lead the victim life.

    I am not here for pity.

    I have tried to do this on my own.

    I just lost faith that its worth it anymore.

    Going to school to get a better job.

    Trying to find work while homeless.

    Nobody is hiring a nobody like me.

    Who cares if I do not eat?

    Who cares if I sleep in stalls for rest?

    Are we living or just surviving?

    I am not desperate for love. I do not need it. I could live alone on this earth for the rest of my days.

    I am hungry for happiness and gave my last breath to motivate others with my courage.

    I am no hero. I do not know if I am human anymore. I think I am a monster or a ghost.

    My life has been nothing but torture and damnation.

    I am restless and I can not find the will to proceed.

    I am just an empty husk doing what society wants me to do until I collapse.

    Sexually,Physically,Emotionally,Mentally abused on most intensified levels that humans can endure.

    I am only 21 years old and got rid of my family and friends for neglecting and abandoning me.

    I am on the run fighting to live one day in a home of my own with children and a wife.

    I am homeless, loveless, jobless, and lifeless.

    I am strong I know that already.

    I can get through this I know that too.

    I know that people admire my strength and courage.

    Sometimes its like I feel that I am just living for society.

    I am living because society wants me to go on.

    What is the point to all of it?

    The fact that I am special unique?

    What?

    I lost faith in god and I am going to hell for my beliefs.

    I hope that my life won't be nothing but torture and damnation to look forward to.

    Life has not given me a break unless it was a heart or a leg.

    Do I live so I can see how my story unfolds?

    I already know the ending.

    I die because it was destiny.

    I am merely here to inform you that I am going on empty.

    I am just living to survive and the worst days are tomorrow it seems.

    I do not need anybody in my life to make me happy.

    I do not need you guys to try to fix what is destiny.

    I am just letting you know of my pain and suffering because its a story of survival and not death.

    In the end though we lead to that path of death.

    I will be happy to embrace it when the time comes.

    I am in no rush to end my story.

    I want to feel that I am happy and truly happy and not fooling myself and trick myself to be happy.

    I feel like when I say I am happy I am delusional.

    Writing is the only way I know how to express myself.

    It is the only way I know how to feel anymore.

    I show you my feelings in words that are a mere shadow of the actions that took place.

    I am just here to exist and nothing more than to be.

    I do hope that one day that diamonds start appearing in the rough.

    Sometimes life is meant to be damnation and torment for some people.

    I have come to terms with this notion that not everybody is entitled to be happy and some choose to neglect those in need of assistance.

    Nobody is obligated to help anybody.

    I have endured this torture and live on until death do I fade into black again.

    100 years or more from the day that I die my struggles forgotten and my misery put to ease.

    I know that one day misery will end.

    I just hope it will not fall on the day of my death.

    Happiness is only a flicker of a thought, concentration on living is my only priority even though I have no idea why I pursue living.

    Perhaps I linger on because I find hope that one day things could change.

    I am live life and struggle to have happiness and peace.

    I am a good man who is not desperate for anything, and merely desires to be happier.

    Despite this all I just embrace the rainy days and hope for sunshine in a seemingly never ending storm.

    I do appreciate when someone recognizes my emotions through writing and mere words.

    I learned how to communicate my thoughts through atmospheric writing.

    If I concentrate hard enough on writing I could take everyone down to where I fought through this hell I endured.

    I think it is rather more important that I do not have to pain you through detailed descriptions of my endured torture.

    I mean literally torture.

    I could tell you more about the orphanage.

    I could tell you more about the family that tortured me.

    I could tell you that they electrocuted me and burned me.

    The screams of a child are still present only in my past.

    The hopes of feeling better and the genocide of an innocence in my childhood brought only strength and numbing from my tears.

    I fear that my future might end up getting worse as insane as it may sound.

    I fear that despite everything I went through that there is still worst to come.

    I am prepared for the demons and I am prepared to be engulfed in the black darkness once again.

    I hold on to the hope that I can start a family and be a father one day.

    Show love and compassion to those that deserve and appreciate me.

    Misery could be history or this could be the start of the most brutal survival story.

    Homeless without any family, shelter, or food.

    I still purse a career and a home to live in.

    My dreams are the only thing keeping me together.

    My dreams are the things I never want to stray from.

    I am just afraid I won't wake up one day because of it all....
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Wow! I am so sorry Silenced Nephilim to read all that you've been through at the hands of your family (and as you say, there's more where that came from that you haven't written about). Of course you desire to know happiness and I think you are incredibly strong to have survived all of this and also have the courage to speak out about it and write about it in the hope of finding some clarity and peace. I do pray for you that you will find peace in your thinking, and knowing that you have survived thus far not letting the bastards beat you is powerful in itself. Welcome to SF where there are like-minded souls who aim/try to give comfort and support and inspiration to each other, with no judgement for anyone's space and feelings, I do hope that you receive a really warm welcome and decide to stay :)
     
  3. Silenced Nephilim

    Silenced Nephilim Banned Member

    My father has cut me, burned me, electrocuted me, frozen my body, drowned me, exploded me with thrown m80's, put me in a weekly comatose state, ran me over with vehicles, kicked me, chocked me, wrestled me to the ground in death grip holds, suffocated me, manipulated me, apologized to me.

    All because I cried.

    It was a game, whenever I cried he would hit me.

    But after enduring it all, I stopped crying.

    He got more intense, more torturous, my violent.

    I overcame these odds, only to be victimized by my mother as she used this as an income.

    She put me in an orphanage, foster care system.

    They tortured me daily and molested my body.

    I can not even see sex the same way again, I feel no desire to please myself.

    So I became sensitive, loved cuddles and affection instead of sex.

    My grandparents took me in for 3 months, saved me from the orphanage.

    Put me back when I was still sleeping.

    My mother obtained me because nobody wanted me, I was a burden, I was not anybodys problem, nobody felt obligated to help me, they still don't.

    So I am still nice, still kept my integrity, for me.

    Not for anybody else.

    I am nice because I chose to be this way.

    I am not entitled for support.

    But being this abandoned has tortured my being, my integrity.

    I know I can be independent, I know that I can do this on my own, but who honestly wants to feel like you are completely alone and that's ok?

    Being self indulged and heartless is all my family and friends have to offer me.

    I am sober, never smoked meth, heroine, cocaine, etc. or drinked alcohol as a habit, not in gangs, don't hurt others, a really nice guy, give all my happiness and love when I have it, not self indulged or selfish, very loving.

    Yet I am homeless on the verge of suicide.

    I do not think I am better than those who are drug addicts, or alcholics.

    I am open minded, I love people equally, but recently I have loathed the idea of association.

    All I have gotten in my life is hate.

    I don't want pity, I just wanted someone to understand me, to cherish me, and not take me for granted.

    I hate this world, I sincerely tried my hardest, and it is never good enough for anybody.

    I saw it all as adversity, I overcame it at an early age.

    at 9 years old I decided to fight the depression on my own.

    I beat it.

    Problem is now that I have nobody to turn to.

    No family because I am victorious, no support because I was happy and independent, no friends because they abandoned me when I got neglected on the streets.

    No love, nowhere to be, nobody to care about.

    I am alone.

    and I just don't understand why this series of events get worse over time.

    I am on empty.

    this close to being non-existent.
     
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I certainly understand why you want someone to understand you, what you describe as your childhood is really horrific, from your parents. I am wondering how they could have inflicted so much pain upon their own child knowingly - and no one detected what they were doing? We certainly will not take you for granted on this site and will offer all the support we can. You say you are homeless - do you have any work? Would you be able to write about your present circumstances a bit more so we can get to know you better? :)
     
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