Pointless journey.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by rx4brdm, Apr 27, 2010.

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  1. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    I woke up this morning to a crappy headache, as usual. Thoughts that have not really been an issue since therapy and the medication started working. I mean the memories will never go away, but I've kinda come up with ways around them, not this time. Took the heavy duty painkillers, was getting ready to go out to have dinner, somebody showed up. Two sentences were said and BAM! I went off.

    My Mom tried to talk to me and I pretty much told her to F*** off without actually saying it. WTF has gotten into me? For so long there I was on the edge, almost jumped. Joined SF, got some advice, got help. Got off the cliff and came back down in the valley, well the floods just came and put me right back where I was before, but a little bit closer to the edge.

    I have come up with a plan. It won't cause as much financial problems for family. As a matter of fact, Mom may actually get some money out of it. My best friend is out of the country right now, so one less person to hold me back. I will send off the messages and letters to say my final good-bye's.

    Hopefully someone will get the message to the scum bag that is the biggest part of this pain and I hope rots in hell.


    Goodbye everybody and I really do appreciate the effort. I really hope that maybe I helped someone a tiny fraction of what you all did for me.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your mom doesn't want your ----- money she won't be able to enjoy it she will be dying along with you. You might as well take her in the grave because that is what you will be doing killing yourself and her too. Instead of waisting energy going thru with plan use the energy to get into hospital and get help take care okay stay safe
  3. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    You're right I should think about her. And I did, that is what has kept me from doing it.

    I really, really tried telling her. I just can't say anything, too f'ing chickenshit to admit the problem to my own mother. We went to dinner tonight and it was like nothing happened, she didn't even mention it. I would have thought if you knew someone you loved, just got in the car and left for 4 hrs. w/o saying anything, after totally ignoring you, you'd want to know wtf was going on.I don;t know maybe she's in denial that there is a problem. What the hell am I thinking? I'm not a psychiatrist, what the hell does it matter to me? I keep thinking the situation we are going through right now, could make it better. Everything just keeps on coming up wrong, typical instance in my life.

    So why bother? Wtf is in it for me? I pretty much said good-bye to all but one friend and he is out of country right now. I don't have a job, I can't get a job. Just about everything in life has been a failure, why continue?:thatsit:
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can relate to your feelings. Same thing happened to me recently. I thought I was over my feelings, thanks to you guys and my best friend. Then she found a boyfriend because I waited to long. Then the flood gates opend and here I am again. Drafting suicide notes, coming up with excuses to kill myself.

    I did the same thing a while back to my mom. I came out and told her how much I hated myself. How I put her down as my life insurance beneficiary to pay her back for the miserable failure of a child that I am. It did not make me feel better.

    You just need to calm yourself down. Do what I do, wrap yourself up in bed. Don't move for any reason. Just stay there.. stay safe. Let the flood gates close once again. You will be just fine.
  5. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Haha, I try to wrap myself up everyday, unfortunately it's not working. Probably due to the fact I can't seclude myself from the person I'm trying to hide my emotions from. Talked to her again today and everything is all good and dandy, at least I say it is. Then I go back in my cave and dwell in my sorrow.

    I'm supposed to be reading these papers for my group therapy tomorrow, just like homework in the old days, last minute. Every time I pick it up though another thought comes along, the attention span is so short I almost get bored blinking.

    And yes of course I should ask for help, go to the ER, call 911, all that BS. I just don't care to draw that attention to myself. Call 911, paramedics show up, everyone knows about it. Go to ER, my Mum's gonna find out about, 'cause I gotta borrow money to even get in. Either way I'm forced to tell her what I'm avoiding telling her to begin with. Ahh, the vicious cycle.
  6. yogurt

    yogurt Active Member

    Hey, rx. I know I'm new here, but you might be surprised at how much your mom might understand about what's going on. Everytime I talk to my mom about my problems or go off the handle she gets really silent. I started asking her some questions and that's when she spoke up.

    It's hard on the people who love you. They just want you to get better. They don't like seeing you in pain.

    And I don't know what your situation is, but to hell with the scum bag. There are people who aren't worth your time and energy. I've had to distance myself from quite a few people in order to take better care of myself. Now I only surround myself with the people who make me feel good. Shoot, I just quit a job so I could get away from toxic people.

    Please take care of yourself.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey rx how you feeling? I have been really crappy so sorry I missed this post but I am more stable right now and just wanted to check in with you and see how things were going for you...I am here if you need someone to talk to, we love you around here so please think of us when you think about checking out..we are after all your family in many ways so please do as you have done, reach out, and lean on us.
    Please know i sure as hell would miss you and care a great deal..let me know how your doing as I am worried about you..love Bambi :arms:
  8. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member


    Thanks for the input. Every bit of advice I can get helps me look at it from a different angle. It doesn't always make a difference, but at least it makes me look at it differently. Maybe I'll get it through my thick skull that I'm selfish and willing to cause pain to end mine... Nope didn't seem to make a difference. Probably a little to quick to come to that conclusion.

    I keep trying to talk to her about it, but I can only imagine what a mother would feel like hearing that her son went through something like that at such a young age and has lived with it for all these years. Damn, I can't believe I held this back.
  9. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member


    Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Get through it, I know you got it in you. :console:

    Yes, I do have to admit I think about my family at SF and thank you all for what you have done for me. Another reason I keep resisting the urge.

    I didn't go to group today, partly due to the massive f'ing headache and the other part, of course, I don't want anyone to know. I'm doing a great job of what I did when I was younger, refusing help. Well, there is one thing I'm good at. :tongue:

    I can't believe I have a hard time doing this. She knows just about everything I've gone through in my life yet I continue to hide this from her. Damn. :bash:
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling of not wanting to burden those you care about. It is OK, you want your time with those people to be fun and happy. Ranting on about your problems takes away that happiness and fun.

    What is important is the fact that you are talking here. As long as those feelings are heard you will feel better.

    :p can't say I wouldn't be ditching group therapy either.
  11. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    It's funny doing research on depression and watching a few shows like "Intervention" kinda make you realize more of what you are going through. They have pointed out a lot of things I feel and I'm beginning to understand it better. However it does not take the pain or "urge" away. The therapists had said understanding it can help, but a lot like my epilepsy the more I learned the more I realized how f'ed I really am. Understanding it isn't helping me. Idk, maybe I'm resisting help. Refusing to get better. I guess I have decided to be stuck in this deep, dark hole and the light keeps getting more dim.

    I can't understand this, maybe I enjoy the pain. The headaches don't go away, everything they tried has failed, so I stopped contacting them and I live with the pain. I gotta contact the psych dept. about upping these anti depressants, maybe that'll help a bit. I have a feeling it is going to be like every other medication I take. The longer I take it the more my body and mind build up a tolerance. As it is, I take 1 pill in the a.m. for the depression and 6 more for the epilepsy another 6 in 12 hrs. for the epilepsy. Due to the way my body functions, those numbers will increase. The really bad part, one of my seizure meds causes depression, ain't that great?
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi ben...I read your posts and I'm sorry you are suffering this terrible illness as well as your epilepsy.....I hope you will go back for more help and keep persisting till they get it right for you...
    I am a mum who's lost a son to suicide so my advice is ,,Don't do it
    firstly you deserve to live and secondly it will destroy your mum totally...
    I'm on this forum because I don't want to go on without my son..every day is a struggle and the grief and pain are overwhelming...I couldn't care less about his money... all I want is him back...
    please talk to your mum and be totally honest with her and then let her help you get some more help..
    you can pm me anytime....take care
  13. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Oh my... I'm so very sorry to hear that you went through that.

    Talk about leaving me speechless. I have sat here for 10 minutes trying to figure out how to say how that made me feel...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2010
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    thanks Ben...hope it hasnt made things worse for you...just wanted you to hear it "from the horses mouth" so to speak.....
  15. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Definitely not worse. Thank you so very, very much.
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