Pointless life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cloudyhaze, May 30, 2014.

  1. cloudyhaze

    cloudyhaze New Member

    my whole life is a problem, I don't even know where to begin. I totally screwed up the last 6 years of my life. I fell in love with a boy after high school... we were together
    for 3 years (lived together for 2 of those years). Even though he gave me everything, it wasn't enough. I have never been satisfied with my life... I've always had this feeling of emptiness inside. With him I worried about
    "missing out on my youth" because we were pretty much married and he was my first boyfriend. I put so much pressure on him to fill the emptiness I felt.
    I cheated on him after 2 years of being together (we were on a break so I convinced myself at the time that it was ok but I knew it wasn't so I told him the truth) and he forgave me but our relationship slowly crumbled after that. When we broke up, I added insult to injury and slept
    with one of my guy friends that he was never cool with. And after that, I got into a relationship with a different guy. So as you can tell, I was a total idiot. The new boyfriend
    was a wreck. He was depressed, extremely sensitive and emotional, and a liar. We dated on and off for nearly 3 years and he dragged me down with him. Being with him
    showed me what it was like to love a selfish person and totally made me empathize with my ex. I feel completely awful for what I did to him and I can't stop blaming myself
    for ruining the only good thing I had in my life (our relationship). We loved each other so much and were so close and I completely fucked it up. I have never been close
    with anyone like that, not even family, and I feel like I never will. I also lost 2 close friends within the last 6 years because of my stupidity. I live in constant guilt and self-hate.
    I haven't even gone to school yet because i've been so absorbed in my drama. I'm so depressed and alone and no one feels bad for me. Everyone thinks I deserve it and
    are tired of my antics. But I'm tired of my antics too. I learned from all my mistakes and i'll never make them again but no one is giving me a chance. I can hardly even force
    myself to get out of bed in the morning because I just don't see the point. There is nothing of meaning in my life. I have my family but i'm not close with them. I feel constantly
    judged by them. I feel detached from everyone. I want to go to school and start new but I hardly have the motivation to get out of bed. I have seen my ex (#1) since we broke
    up but he has changed. I don't love him anymore, I love who he used to be when he loved me. I'm pretty much living in the past and I can't let go. I just wish I could turn back time.
    If I could see how shitty my life is right now I would never have done all the shit I did. I have no energy or interest in anything or anyone. Making friends would probably help
    but I just can't. I can't force myself to have a conversation with anyone. My mentality is extremely negative. I feel so lost and confused. I'm frozen in time but the days still roll by.
    I'm wasting my life but I don't care enough about it to make it better.

    Any advice at all would be appreciated. If anyone else has been through the same kind of thing i'd like to hear your stories and how you got through them. thanks :)
  2. oldprincess

    oldprincess New Member

    Hi Cloudy:
    I understand your feelings. One thing has helped me at the worst times....I do something nice for somebody. Even if its as simple as putting a buck in a parking meter, an act of kindness gives temporary relief.