Just wanted to tell my story, first time ever. English isn´t my language, so i am very sorry that my text isn´t easy to read and understand. Hope you get the point.. Suicide. Death. Darkness. Love those words. They are fascinating and interesting. I love when its winter, -25 degrees, lots of snow, endless darkness and silence. It´s only me and the world. In those moments i can´t stop thinking it´s perfect time to die. I don´t know what is happening to me. Day by day and week by week the darkness is getting me. More and more. It started as a dangerous game, and now im getting more and more obsessed with it. There are days and weeks i can say i´m happy -but the feeling and desire to die never goes completely away. I think suicide every day, search more information -which drugs kill, which don´t.. What kind is best rope for hanging.. How can you commit a suicide looking like accident.. those thoughts are in my mind permanently. And actually, it doesn´t eaven bother me much. I don´t want to be "cured". I don´t think i´m sick. I just have different way to look the world. I can´t see any point of living life i don´t want to live. I have everything i´ve ever wanted -still i feel empty. I have all options open -I don´t want anything. Is life really worth of trying and trying and trying to survive, you still end up dead sooner or later? ..but yes, i have some (bad?) issues with myself. I can´t meet any people without feeling that they hate me. I can´t have any conversation without thinking did i say the right thing. I do hurt myself physically when i don´t feel well. I desperately want people to like me. I need to success, i need to be best so i can sometimes feel im not totally horrible person. And same time i do know, that it doesn´t matter what people are thinking. But still, i hate myself. Do you know the feeling you have to be with someone you truly hate 24/7? I always pretend i´m okay. Never said to my dad if i had a bad day or anything like that. For him i will always be the happy child who always survive. I don´t want him suffer. I used to have more dreams. But then i realized that i don´t want those dreams. Now death is my dream. "Birds are free when they fly we are free when we die"