pointless life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Humi, May 21, 2012.

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  1. Humi

    Humi New Member

    Just wanted to tell my story, first time ever. English isn´t my language, so i am very sorry that my text isn´t easy to read and understand. Hope you get the point..

    Suicide. Death. Darkness. Love those words. They are fascinating and interesting. I love when its winter, -25 degrees, lots of snow, endless darkness and silence. It´s only me and the world. In those moments i can´t stop thinking it´s perfect time to die.

    I don´t know what is happening to me. Day by day and week by week the darkness is getting me. More and more. It started as a dangerous game, and now im getting more and more obsessed with it. There are days and weeks i can say i´m happy -but the feeling and desire to die never goes completely away. I think suicide every day, search more information -which drugs kill, which don´t.. What kind is best rope for hanging.. How can you commit a suicide looking like accident.. those thoughts are in my mind permanently.

    And actually, it doesn´t eaven bother me much. I don´t want to be "cured". I don´t think i´m sick. I just have different way to look the world. I can´t see any point of living life i don´t want to live. I have everything i´ve ever wanted -still i feel empty. I have all options open -I don´t want anything. Is life really worth of trying and trying and trying to survive, you still end up dead sooner or later?

    ..but yes, i have some (bad?) issues with myself. I can´t meet any people without feeling that they hate me. I can´t have any conversation without thinking did i say the right thing. I do hurt myself physically when i don´t feel well. I desperately want people to like me. I need to success, i need to be best so i can sometimes feel im not totally horrible person. And same time i do know, that it doesn´t matter what people are thinking. But still, i hate myself. Do you know the feeling you have to be with someone you truly hate 24/7? I always pretend i´m okay. Never said to my dad if i had a bad day or anything like that. For him i will always be the happy child who always survive. I don´t want him suffer.

    I used to have more dreams. But then i realized that i don´t want those dreams. Now death is my dream.

    "Birds are free when they fly
    we are free when we die"
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds very much like depression took it hold and now is dragging you down so deep that your thoughts are all distorted hun your mind is clouded I hope you do reach out soon and get some professional help to pull you out of such a dark place you arein hugs
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Total Eclispe is right depression has a strangle hold on you and that is very hard to see when feeling like you do.Seeking some help is what you seriously need to be working on.Getting that and learning how to put your energies into getting well and not into suicide methods will help you have a different outlook on life.
     
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