Pointless Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~PinkElephants~, Apr 12, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I sat here for awhile debating on whether to even write this. It won't matter, it just seems pointless anyways to write how I feel anymore. I feel pointless, I feel like I'm wasting away. I feel like everything in my life is pointless. I don't have the energy to barely get out of bed anymore. I skip out on work so much lately I'm surprised I still even have a job. I feel empty. I dread waking up in the morning, I feel nothing anymore. All the pointless fights lately, me standing for what I believe in, people thinking I'm something I'm not...I'm drained...I'm empty. I'm tired. Simply tired of being me. tired of everything I am, tired of living whatever life i have left. i don't want to write anymore...i feel like i've written enough.
     
  2. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Please Kells hang in there ok :( PLEASE. I know its so damn hard to struggle through another day, but there is hope. We will help you find hope, find a reason to keep fighting.

    Please just stick with us.
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm with Matt, Kells.

    Please hang in there, keep fighting, in the end it'll be worth it.

    :hug: :hug:
     
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hang in there hunny :hug:
     
  5. AlwaysRain

    AlwaysRain Active Member

    is there any way to change your life completely?
    Move somewhere in another town/state/country. Just temporary, for a few months.
    What is your job?
     
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    moving won't solve anything, my problems follow me where I go. As for what i do I'm a nanny..a very unreliable one.
    the past three days i have continuously taken more pills, at times i wake up and lately ive been having trouble breathing. its what i want really..to just fade away and I slowly am. whether people see it or even acknowledge it..it's not my problem anymore..i just don't care. i dont want people to worry, or to care because in my eyes it's beyond all that.

    i'm sorry if i do eventually hurt people. I laid inmy bed last night, with my 7 year old nephew laying next to me, rubbing his back to go to sleep. when he fell asleep i held his little 7 year old hand and i cried..i just cried. i love him so much, he's the reason im still here...but...i need a reason for me too. He can't be the only reason because eventually that'll run out too.

    Take care all
    ciao
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :sad:
     
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    dont be sad terry, the numbness won't last forever...we all know that. I am tired terry, fuckin tired. I dont want to get out of bed even now. i wnat to stay here and sleep forever..underneath the covers away from the world, away from life. i hate life right now. i hate everything about me. i just want to sink into oblivion and fade into the night. part of me feels like i should have never gotten close to people here. you, puddles, skiv, josh, hotdog, matt, i should have never let you in because now it's hard to push you out because i love u all so much. and i dont wnat to hurt people but in my life terry thats all i seem to do..is hurt the ones i love....and im sorry for that..with all ym heart.
     
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    We have broad shoulders hun, who else but your friends should take up the slack when you're low?
     
  10. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I DONT want people to pick up my mess..pick up the pieces to me..i dont want that and i wont let that happen. my problems are mine not my friends and i dont mean that to sound harsh i just wont dump my problems on people i care about. thats why i barely talk about whats wrong with me..this has been a long time coming..ive just continuously pushed it down so not to burden people and now it just cant be done anymore..i cant push things down when shit just keeps bubbling over. just let me do what i need to do....
     
  11. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

    why can't i feel like i want to feel? why can't i trust people? this is why i don't open up to people, this is why i put on the fuckin' mask and pretend i'm always happy, or pretend that im this tough person on the outside. i just want everyone to leave me alone and let me go. i want to die...i deserve to die..i get what i deserve right. i deserve all the pain i get..isn't that whats been said. Because im a straightforward person, because I tell people what i think, so yeah let me take the pain i deserve, let it be inflicted onto me, let me fade, let me go, let me die, let it be so. I don't want to be here..so hwy fuckin fight it for me when id ont' want to fight.
     
  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :sad: I have no words:sad:
    You know I'm here for you...please don't do anything in anger or :sad: hurt
     
  13. Lonely4ever

    Lonely4ever Guest

    NO YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO DIE!!! People who kill others deserve to die. But i dont think u have killed someone, did u? So please stay with us and dont go! Please write to me if u ever want to talk okay??
     
  14. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i took dylan out today to chuck e cheese for those who know what that is...it was fun for awhile. I was laughing, having fun, than as we were sitting down to eat i got this overwhelming sadness. i dont know why i mean i was having fun, but it's like i don't know anymore...whatever...

    who cares right??
     
  15. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i need to sleep tonight... need to.... my head hurts..i shouldn't have smoked..i know what it does to me but now im crashing... ive gone quiet... and withdrawn... i dont know what to do... i don't want doctors... i don't want pills... i don't want anything... for fucks sake... im losing it.

    why cant i be someone else? someone better? someone more loving...i don't know...whatever
     
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know what it is like to be so far down that even the thought of getting up seems to be too much. Every day i force myself to get out of bed and do things. Kelly, don't let depression take over you. I find if I let myself get out of things (work, meetings with friends, etc.) I have time to think about everthing that makes me feel so bad. Alone your mind has time to wander around in your thoughts. If it does not have the alone time to do this, you begin to feel better. Well, usually any way. I know that it doesn't solve anything, but it can be worth a try. You say the only thing keeping you here is your nephew. You need to stay not only for him, but for yourself. Nothing is impossible to overcome if you really set your mind to it. i know you can get through this Kelly. And you don't have to do it alone. Maybe we can't clean up after you, but we can sure stay beside you and keep you company while you do the dirty work. Take care hun, and stay safe. :hug:
     
  17. ZEo

    ZEo Member

    same here life
    is pointless

    im just want to end it SOOOO bad
     
  18. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Zeo...no offense here man, and this is me being me which people hate...this thread wasn't for people to tell me yeah life was pointless and you want to end it..but thanks so much for the uplifting message..i so appreciate it.
     
  19. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i feel tired again, i don't feel like starting a new thread so ill continue my pointless rant here. I cleaned for 9 hours today..for my nephews bday party tomorrow...my brother(his father) did nothing. It took me 3 hours to clean dylans room..3 fuckin hours..and i won't even get a thank you from my brother. I feel useless a lot of the time, overlooked, like anything i do will never be enough. i can bust my ass to prove my worth and yet im still worth nothing. It's sad really...that no matter what i do it'll never be enough. i ll never be enough...ever.

    i will never

    ever

    be

    enough

    for

    anyone...so don't fret...it'll all be okay. ill smile and say I'm fine. I'm fine
    I'm fine
    I'm fine
    I'm fine
    I'm fine

    I'm breaking.........
     
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