Pointless rambling

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Deleted SKU, Dec 3, 2013.

  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    First, I don't know where this is going. I haven't really talked in a long time, so the following probably wont make sense. I'm kind of caught between ranting and musing, so... I don't know, just go with it I guess.

    Life goes on. Not neccessarily an individual life, but life itself always does. It's not something you can stop, any more than holding back the hands on a clock will stop time movng forward. The problem with thoughts revolving too often around suicide is that... I don't know, life itself becomes a challenge. Sometimes I feel like a masochist for living. I want to see how much shit I can take from life, before it all collapses, how much weight can push down on me before I snap. It turns out, as buckled and twisted as I am, I'm still alive, and that's not going to change any time soon.

    Some pains are easier to deal with than others. The physical pain is back with working, though that will pass, and to be honest, self-harm inures you to pain somewhat. I know my pleasure/pain receptors are kind of messed up, but that's another topic entirely.

    It's always the emotional pain that's the problem. And particulars of it... stress I hate, but it seems often to slide off of me. I feel it pushing on my mind, but I can push back, and as much as I feel it, I still endure it. Anger... fight or flight. It's hit or miss, but I think it's normal enough for that to be the case.

    My particular concerns right now are about how I deal with control and loneliness/abandonment. I can only lose control if I'm in control of the losing control (i.e. in a safe environment). But I don't have one right now. So my mind is constantly... I don't know, looking to keep control of everything, I don't know how to explain it.

    With loneliness, that one's simple. I miss my ex. Well, I don't as such, but I miss the idea of being in a relationship with someone I guess. The awareness of that is important, because now... I wont jump in to a relationship for the sake of it, because I know that's the sort of thing I seem to want to do. And especially because... I don't know, I feel so many questions are left unanswered. Why things ended up as they did. I wont ever know, so I intentionally isolated myself from that situation. The less I think on it, the less hopefully it will mean over time. But I can't stop crying myself to sleep at night, just with the wish that I could hug someone.

    More and more my mind creates fictions to compensate for that. I don't stop dreaming, love, loss, rejection, acceptance, everything revolves around being with someone else. Maybe I'm better alone, but maybe I just say that because I know I don't have a choice, because who I am is so worthless, or at least my sense of self-esteem is so worthless, that I cannot inflict myself upon another human being.

    In the end, I'm slowly moving forward, but... I can't stop looking at what I don't have in my life. It takes time. It takes time. Time time time, all I ever tell myself, more time, wait, it will eventually work out... Patience is a virtue, and there's so much I've been patient about in my life... I don't know how to be impatient, I don't know how to go out and take what I want in life.

    I can't assert myself. Even if, for example, the theoretical woman of my dreams was just standing there (and this isn't just about relationships, but is a good example of what I mean), I just could not do a thing about it. There's a distinction I think between general lack of confidence, and specific areas of complete lack of assertion.

    I'm tired and now I'm just rambling, damn. I know what I want to say, it just wont come out. And I don't have time to wait, or to waste. But I can't do anything about it. That's kind of how everything feels.

    I see you there, and I can't do a thing about it.

    I'm sick of being broken.

    But I'm not a jigsaw.

    I have to fix myself, not rely on anyone else for it. And then maybe I will get what I want, though... I guess that's the way of life. When you most need something, there's no chance of getting it.

    Sorry. I knew this wouldn't make sense.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are putting your thoughts into words here hun
    <I have to fix myself, not rely on anyone else for it> you do not have to do it all on your own you can reach out for support to help guide you ok Yes the hard work has to come from withing but one does not have to be alone . I hope you reach out to supports around you like you are doing here

    What you write makes lots of sense and i hope you continue to write ok hugs
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I don't know... I keep running in to irrational thought blocks when trying to explain it all too much. The reason I do have to do this alone is that the idealized fantasy I've created is only one I can dissect from the outside. The fiction keeps me safe, but also keeps me from progressing. I can't force it out of my mind, so it has to be gradual, because I don't know if I can survive without it, but the difficulties of my life also have me indulging further in it. Other people being involved changes every part of my situational thought and behaviour, but not the underlying core which is the problem. That means even when I try to reach out, there is still that barrier between who I am and who other people see. It ensures safety in part, but it also ensures that there will always be a part of me that remains isolated.