Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alwaysscared, Aug 10, 2008.

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  1. alwaysscared

    alwaysscared Active Member

    I haven't posted in a very very long time coz I'm not sure there's any point. I'm too bad to be helped to get better and I don't even know if I WANT to get better. So I'm sorry if this post is a waste of time.

    I'm really struggling though. I shouldn't be. I've got a good job and that should keep me going. I've been lucky in a worldly sense most of my life. But none of that is down to me. I don't deserve anything I have.

    I just want to end it all so so badly. I'm cutting to destroy my body from the outside and eating junk food to destroy it from the inside. But that's not enough. I used to have several suicide plans and now I want to put them in action. Last night, I tried to stay in the car all night until someone phoned and barely managed to convince me to get into bed. I know why I did it. It was all coz of the plan (sorry, prob making no sense, but can't talk about methods - which is prob a good thing).

    I've been reading a lot of stories in the newspapers about suicides and they tell you how the person did it. Some of them are definite possibilities for me.

    My counsellor has asked me to think about what my long term goals are. I've no idea what to tell her. I used to have goals, but they were a long time ago. Now I just want to die. I want to make sure I'm not here in the future. Maybe it wont be better on the other side, but I'm willing to take the risk.

    This probably makes no sense whatsoever. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. I'm trying to cut off from everyone, but it's so hard. I've already had 2 nervous breakdowns in the last few weeks. And some people wont let me leave them or leave me alone. I've tried. I really have. I kept my phone off so that I didn't have to talk to them. But now.....Why am I not strong enough??

    I'm sorry. Mods, feel free to delete this post for being a pointless waste of time. Everyone else, feel free to report the post for being a pointless waste of time. Please don't ban me from here though.....that's all I ask. I promise not to post again. I just needed to talk today. I'm sorry :cry:
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sorry to read you are going through such a rough time right now. please don't give up. you aren't waste of time and i see no reason why the mods would delete this post.

    do you think you could open up to your therapist and thell him/her how truly desperate you are feeling right now? that way they could set up some extra supports for you. suicide looks pretty tempting because we would try anything to make the pain stop, but it's not your only option. a good counselor will help you learn other coping skills. please hang on!
  3. kat82

    kat82 Member

    I really hope you can find a way to move forward, and stop living in your past. Mostly for your own sake, but also for the people around you who loves you.

    I've seen and experienced what suicide does to the people left behind, and it's nothing else but horrible. I've had two suicides in my family, my mum was the last to go, and it hurts more than words can describe.

    Please, try to make a change in your life!! I don't know what might help you, or what you need. but I find that helping others, animals or people less fortunate to be so rewarding, and it keeps the focus of yourself. Please give something a try, can't hurt right?
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time right now. Please stop harming yourself hun. Start helping yourself by eating healthy meals and drinking water. Don't destroy your body by cutting yourself and filling it with junkfood. We have our human body and should love it, because you only get one. Please don't give up on life. :hug:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Do you know what has sent you spiraling down? It sounds like you have a great life and you are letting it slip by. You need to find a significat other. Someone you can talk to!! Oppurtunity is knocking at your door. So why not answer it and see what happens. I really wish you would put this behind you and let it go!!!We don't want anything to happen to you, so keep posting and we will provide support. Take Care!!!
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hi, always scared. Good name. Lots of us are always scared because of what's going on in our lives.

    I've had a career all my adult life, but nervous breakdowns and major depression interfere with even the best of lives. Because of mental health, doctors told me to retire or I'd die. So, my life career is over and I'm on disability with no future that I know of. Of course, tomorrow could bring something totally unexpected.

    As far as goals go - it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask the therapist to help you work through setting goals. Even just one goal.

    As far as "the other side", what's on the other side of life is your choice in this life. There are those who make the blanket statement that suicide sends you to hell. I can't agree. As I said, that depends on the decisions you make before you die, however you die. I hope you can discover how to make that choice.
  7. alwaysscared

    alwaysscared Active Member

    Thank you everyone for replying. It's really comforting to know that people care enough to take me seriously. I phoned a friend last night who told me that there was nothing wrong and that I was just making things up :sad:

    Dazzle, thank you for suggesting that I talk to my therapist openly. I've been let down by a therapist in the past and I guess that holds me back a lot. I've only had 6 sessions with this one and it's taking time for me to trust her.

    kat, I'm sorry to hear about the suicides in your life. That is one of the things that stops me - the people that could get hurt in the process. Your idea about helping people/animals is a good one. I'm in a job where I have to help people and it always makes me feel better. It's when I'm away from work that things go crazy.

    Dave, your right about this human body being given to us just once. I get up in the morning thinking "ok, today I'll be healthy". Then something happens to upset me during the day and it just goes downhill from there. Loving anything about myself is hard though because I'm such a bad person.

    Stranger, you've said what most people say - I need to get married. I'm scared of relationships though. I'd rather not risk getting hurt. Even close friends I tend to keep at a distance after a while just in case I get hurt. And I've seen too many relationships go wrong. If anything was to go wrong, I'd be worse than I am just now!

    Middle of nowhere, your post gave me hope. Talking to my therapist about the goals is probably a good idea. I'm sorry to hear you had to give up work. How do you cope with day to day life?

    Thanks once again for all the replies :hug:
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