pointless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ouroboros, Apr 17, 2011.

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  1. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    how can i live when i can't leave my room because there are people in the house i don't know? Most of them are gone now, one left and i'm so drained and feel so shit i can't bring myself to leave my room. Not even the pangs of hunger or the fact my bf is down there will get me out. I'm scared. I can't explain it to anyone. Last night i managed to stay in the room when they came back from being out all day only to be turfed out because they needed my chair.

    why i'm scared? i don't want them to see me, I can't speak, i get so scared i can't deal with it and just freak out and run off. so yes i'm a freak, they think i'm a freak and i'm stuck hiding in my own home.

    This hurts so much, I just want to be ok and not worry about these things. I'm only just existing, i can't live, its just a waste.

    I'm hungry, awake for 4 hours, not able to get breakfast because i'm scared. I'm pointless. Today I feel like I am back to my lowest point, all that work means absolute shit because I can't leave my stupid room and all i wanna do is die.
     
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    H, you know how to reach me, i do have the kids though.
    Please try to stay safe, dont stay away from here when you need the support.
    Thinking about you, lots.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is so sad..when you go out of your room, bring things back so you are not in this situation again...and, see if because there is only one person you can try to get out...let us know how you do...much caring, J
     
  4. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    I managed to come out when they went to the shops, they came back after a bit and I stayed, no running, feel good for having eaten etc, then spent the afternoon gardening with my bf and his dad. Feel bit better for it. Need to stash some food in my room in case this happens again. I wish it wouldn't. i don't like being afraid and feeling like a freak :sad:
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel.. I have been isolated in my room for over 20 years.. I only come out for the necessities or doctor appointments..The fear can be so overwhelming.. If it wasn't for my sister I would already be dead..Keep working on getting out.. Do a little at a time..
     
  6. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    I know how this feels. I've done the same sort of thing. Its your mind playing tricks on you. I used to think that they were talking about me and i'd just die if I walked out infront of them. Do you take meds? I'm sure my meds caused most of my issues.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2011
  7. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    Thank you, its good to know i'm not alone, i wish u never felt this way coz its horrible but it kinda helps me. Yeah i'm on meds but i was like this and worse before them.. i think it was because, i donno my self esteem took a dive bomb a couple days before so bad timing and there was just soo many people like 10 ish all in the house that i had never met on top off who already lives here, i didn't prepare myself but had no idea how i could do so either... I'm calmer now but then they are all gone.. how the hell am i gonna cope next time i donno.. i have some big things coming up and when i think of them i just feel like running away, theres no where to o i would feel safe so then i think of other things.
     
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    You, young lady are often in my thoughts.
    We know each other quite well, you are a kind and special person.
    I know that you will come through this.
    Remember without sorrow true happiness can not be felt.
    You have it with in you to be all you wish to be, believe me, you are well on the way already.
     
  9. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    Ouroboros: you have just given me that little bit of extra hope..part the of the reason i am having exposure therapy is that i live in one room in my house and dont feel safe when i leave it...in fact...i only feel safe when i am ensconced on my bed...its my island and its safe. i am so glad (not that i am glad you are suffering) that i am not the only one feeling they cant leave their room. i go to docs...psych appts and thats it. i am luckier than you in that i manage to get downstairs for food or drink, but other than that...i stay on my island. so you make me feel "normal" and maybe it is something we can overcome in time. thank you for reaching out...and maybe we can all help each other...with all our weird and wonderful issues. fyi my bed is my bubble...its my safe place...and maybe you feel that way about your room and should discuss with your doc, but its absolutely ok to do what you are doing so try not to let it upset you..you have made me feel good.:hugtackles:
     
  10. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hannah :hug: . Hope u are feeling better. I am always available to u if u need to talk. Love u hun, u will get to a better place emotionally, I believe this.
     
  11. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    Thanks :hug: feeling panicky today.. time is moving so fast and i'm just not moving. I've arranged to go out tomorrow.. a bike ride and some time outside, it'll do me good i know but i'm nervous and i need bigger things to happen, yeah i know little steps, it all takes time but its all panicking me, I'm scared to do anything yet it freaks me completely that i'm not doing anything. idiot. well better get some sleep.. i'll come by again after. thanks again :hug:
     
  12. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Take it slowly. I was forced to leave my safe haven and because of that I easily slip back into my old ways. Try to tell yourself that your safe when your out.

    I also find letters hard to open and phone calls scary to answer. I suck at doing anything of any importance. I have appointments and try not to make any. If you have any of these issues you need to get help. They ruin my life and make everything scary. Its no way to live... The longer you leave it the harder it gets to get help... If you cant do it get your bf to do it for you.
     
  13. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    Hannah, I haven't talked to you in a little while hun but that doesn't mean that I've forgotten about you or that I don't care. I know that you are having a rough time right now but there are a lot of people on here that support and care about you quite a bit including myself. I really do hope that you are doing well, miss talking to you and send me a PM when you get a chance! :) :hug: :wub:
     
  14. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    well that failled... my bikes broken, gears need sorting and really not worth the risk of riding till i sort them... urgh

    Thanks again. I'm still trying to get out. i'm not in my room anymore; it was a temporary lapse while the house was full of strangers and i have managed to go to the doctors since. Well i suppose i shall use this sudden free time to finish a job app, spend some time with bf (if i fix my bike too then i can go for a ride with him later) and I also need to sort the greenhouse, so a few bits and pieces to do. Still feeling freaked, need to be doing something real.

    Harry - miss you so much, but I know it means things are going pretty well because your busy and in love :smile: so for that I am glad, I will pop you a PM momentarily :biggrin:
     
  15. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Having social anxiety is awful. When my fiance's dad brought all his friends over to the house, I couldn't leave the bedroom either. I was hungry, wanting to pee, tired of being cooped up in one room...but I couldn't do anything about it. I ended up waiting until they were gone to do any of those things. I know how horrible that is...If you're not already, try doing CBT with a therapist. And certain medications could help too.
     
  16. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    :hug: so sorry you experience this too. Has anything woked for you? Even small improvements? I'm not quite sure whats helped for me, meds probably, time, some days are harder than others, but its slow going. I have tried online CBT but that didn't really do much, I was suppose to be on a waiting list for CBT but my mental health liason nurse has fallen ill herself and so I no longer have that resource only my doctor. I think perhaps I should ask her about it when I next see her. I have with help got myself this far but its pretty much halted, perhaps more help would get me a little further, i dunno.

    well another day seems to be running away from me.. time to get some stuff done, get some sunshine too, be good for me, i must not hide when i can help it.
     
  17. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, I have had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. Even as a young child. So I firmly believe that since I've been living with it for 21 years now, it'll take at least that long to get better fully. I have small improvements sometimes. Once in a while if I have to pee really badly, I suck it up and walk past people and just do it. But it depends on how I'm feeling and the situation. Also, I'm sometimes able to make phone calls if I know I absolutely have to (like to the doctor if my life is at stake). Anger also takes some of it away sometimes. Like if I want to bitch someone out who pissed me off, I'll probably do it if they've provoked me hard enough, regardless of social anxiety. But then there are times that I'd rather die than present a paper in front of an entire class, or I'd rather starve than walk past people and get something to eat or eat in front of them. It sucks. Really and truly.
     
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