I just don't get it..the point of any of this. I've been struggling for so long with depression it seems like my only state of mind. Disthymic I believe would be the clinical term but I've never been diagnosed. I'm 26...I attempted suicide when I was 15. More often than not I've written it off as escapism - an easy means to an end. In a way I've never let go of the notion since that day. I mean I survived...saw what kind of trauma it did to my friends and family. It was awful...surreal. Some days I'll come to terms with it and feel like I'm past it but other days (since) I will come remarkably close to goin through with it again. Immediately aftertaste initial attempt I sought therapy for a year or so..as well as depression medication. It worked and it didn't. I still struggled with depression but dove right into alcohol and marijuana for my escape from reality. It became really bad...the extent to which I would depend on these to feel alright..to make friends. I guess I'm blessed to have a close group of friends throughout all of this, too. We all drink and smoke together but I really can't fathom them being as consistently depressed as I am. And I do understand that both alcohol and weed can be huge contributing factors in all of this. Anyways, I graduated high school. Went to college. Had a pretty crazy affliction with depression all four years. I met the girl of my dreams and we dated for 3 years. On and off towards the end. Basically she was cheating on me the whole first year and a half and I just held on after that...as long as I could. Alright I'm rambling. Suffice to say it tore my heart out and i still havent fully recovered .Essentially throughout all of this I have never gone probably 3 months without seriously contemplating suicide. I'm out of college now...make 50k but still can't get my stuff together. It's cyclical. I have a huge wtf moment and start really trying an improving but I can't ever seem to get out of this. All of my friends are getting married. My parents have been on the verge of divorce for as long as I can remember. And my family outside of that is non-existent due to fights and stupid crap. Xmas is just me and my parents. I had a gf this year for probably 6 months and we're just hanging out and being friends. It's just pointless..all of it. Convince me otherwise please because I seriously don't have much more fight left in me. Its getting REALLY bad recently. Help.