hi, read if you want im pretty relaxed right now in general. My senses are alive, although im frustrated. There seems to be many different driving forces behind who i am and what i do. I'm angry that my entire existance is to serve one or another persons, like dials through my soul, rings which i get locked into, round and round a ring. All defence mechanisms I've built over the course of my life. I'm terrified its going to sweep me away forever, before i really understand why, and that really bothers me. Its as though all my main functions are driven toward goals which i have no purpose to achieve, be it money, desire or any other stimulus. for example, People tell me that gold is worth a lot of money, who said so? its an object? It has no value to me other than a means to fund something i dont want. once on this path of fire and brimstone its as though I am in a trance, i completely lose myself, Its disgusting. its as though i'm picking up little weapons and seriously hurting myself. Yeah, im a dumbass i know that, I don't know the way in which to speak about such things. Its because i can't talk to anyone about it. Thats not anyones fault but mine, when in the company of someone else i jump straight into the, well, i suppose you could call it body armour. Its getting me nowhere. Ok, so, Im not completely stupid or anything i just have no strength to support everything i'm trying to achieve. I can't get outside that box, communications with anyone be it a work colleague, family or friends i get caught out in the same passive aggressive habits, I must be the most infuriating company in the world. The very fact that when someone speaks, it requires me to listen, but do i listen properly? Im getting better at making judgement calls on what angle a person is driving at, Im getting better at hearing tones and taking a step back from undesirable, knee jerk reactions. But all the time, its none stop that I am doubting every word I say. as the years go by I say less and less. Sometimes say more. It wouldn't be so bad if I where to recieve some form of confirmation that these things that i sense where really what i thought they where, but everyone looks at me completely gone out, existence just isn't something I've ever really experienced beyond the trappings of roles I have learnt. I'm not saying that All these things that i see and hear are false, far from it, I see the things that I percieve to be more just aschewed and atuned to a purpose which is only hurting me. Mentally and physically I'm worn out. I get visualisations all the time of scenarios that play out in my head over and over again, Whats most scary are the ones that make me feel as though I'm driving daggers through the eardrums of people who listen to me with my aggressive, competitive and stubborn responses. The worst thing about this is the positivety and the 'rewards' i get for doing certain things. its like I'm a big old machine, and every interaction i have i have some sort of pre-determined idea that the person i am speaking to is 'fixing' me in some way. Its awful. The personality, spirit and zest of my entre life is kinda just seeping away from me day by day. all my attachments, just tools for my own downfall. The only thing that keeps me on this merry go round is the pressure to find work, be a responsible citizen, being 'nice' and eventually i hope my happiness. But my tried and tested methods are failing and i can't see it changing any. Part of me tells myself to shut up, Hell is the only possible outcome and to just accept this feeling of utter turgid process driven lifestyle, But as someone who has achieved very little in his life I can't help but feel that there is better. To work and live in our society apparently we need some form of familiar hypno style of acceptance to get along, i've witnessed a few methods which drive me (to despair). But I can't take part in that no matter how easy 'natural' it becomes. I have to get beyond it, to know why i do what i do. Thanks for reading, I feel better now. Anyone relate?