Wow you know I wonder why I keep so many toxic things so close by. Emotionally toxic things, things that kill my motivation to get better stuff like: Z and Y Forums like AM Forums like HC SF is pretty toxic Going to the gym or hot tub Going out on a Friday Night Going to SC Hovering around the NDK forums Worst of all analyzing my wants and needs. I could make more of a list, but this one will give me more than enough to talk about and bore you all to death with. When I think about these things I am not surprised I want to die, this is just the stuff I want to mention. There are plenty of other things I want to mention, but laziness prevents me. I can see why I am suicidal still I drink twice as much poison as I do antidote. Will I always be like this? Probably meaning I should just kill myself this weekend... if That were possible. If you are kind enough to read my explanations Thanks. ----------- Y and Z So lets start off with Z and Y because I guess I am obsessed with them. These two are probably the most toxic things in my life, most likely because I want to have sex with both of them. That is my main thing I am too horney to have two girls who I have a heavy sexual attraction too in my life. Each has other toxic attributes that I will go into now. Z, I am madly in love with Z and at the same time I abhor her. She treats me like a doormat. She makes plans and then cancels them. She is too affectionate for someone who has a boyfriend. Then she goes on pity parades when I tell her how pathetic I am. Really It feels like all we do is flirt. The only difference is she gets to fuck her boyfriend and tease me. God I am a pathetic man. I am trying to not put up with this. I no longer call her often. I say often because I get so desperate for female attention that I just cannot take it. She is more than willing to give it to me. More than willing to enjoy the pathetic wreck of a man that I have become. Then there is Y. She is toxic to me in the sense that I cannot tell what she thinks of me. Am I a friend or potential lover? When she is spending time with me in reality she is very shy almost scared if me. When we text each other. She is very nice and I think she even flirts with me... I think... I am not 100% sure to be honest... I can never tell when girls are flirting. Anyway I pitched the wrong kind of woo After her and learned she has a physical bubble. Which I am trying to respect but at the same time I want to see if I can get more physical with her. I learned, from a mutual friend that she has Aspreger's so that complicates things even more. So I keep wanting her around and fantasize about holding her and kissing her. Then I lose all that confidence out of fear of losing her. !Forums Like AM AM is a forum full of happy content people. I go There when I need a nice dose of reality. Everyone !here or on other forums I frequent are too nice. They are all encouraging they do not want to crush my hopes. At that forum they tell me the truth. It depresses me it makes me hate myself. I went there yesterday after my work out. I was a little high from the workout and happy I went on there checked my threads and became suicidal again. It was awesome, I go from being motivated to being depressed in 10 seconds that is how fucking toxic that place is. Going to places like HC This is a place for introverts like myself. Only most of them just cannot leave their houses. In reality I am a recluse but these people make me look like a happy outgoing person. So why does this place depress me? Two reasons, I feel out of place there and there are too many girls who are hot and my ideal girl on there. The girls thing bothers me the most since all the girls are so far away. I am totally in love with a girl from Vancouver. She of course wants to be alone and is crushing on another guy, however, she is awesome. She is motives me to fix my depression because she is doing the same. She is wonderful and I will never know her. Then again I might just love females. I kind of love another female who takes about how she lives to make her man happy. I don't know, I go there and I feel distant and meet wonderful people who live halfway around the world. SF is Pretty Toxic While I think this place is wonderful in many ways it is also toxic to me... I don't know why or how... but it is. The main thing being my situation. I sit pretty, I have a good job, my own place to live, I was never abused, I was never raped, I have never had any serious addictions, I have never attempted to kill myself, I have not been officially diagnosed with any major mental disorders... the list goes on. When I read so many of these threads. I feel like a loser who wants to die because he is not having regular sex. I am a loser who wants to die because I cannot make friends. When I come here I read about everyone's pain. It causes me my own pain. Then There is the pain I feel when my threads do not get replies. That hurts me a lot more than it should. I understand the dynamics of this forum. While I do feel like a whiny attention ***** I like feedback. I like to know there is someone out there reading my thoughts. It is therapeutic to me. Because I am pathetically lonely. Even if it is just my own musings and rantings. I do not expect this thread to see many replies either. It will cause me great pain. Going to the gym or hot tub So lets start off with the hot tub, that is the most detrimental. I think this is because of the fact that I am attracted to a lot of the women at the hot tub. They all walk around mostly naked(bikinis). All of them have such nice slender bodies. Then I look around and see plenty of slender semi-toned guys with them. Friends lovers it does not matter what the guys really are to the girls. All that matters is they appear to be more suitable mates than I. So I cower And hide. I look around and see them... then I see me and want to get sick. The gym I feel to a lesser extent. The idea is the same as the hot tub. Only difference is that there I am showing I can make a change... I guess... I don't know, most of the attractive females and males make me feel hideous all the time. Going out on Friday Night Aside from the vanity issues I mentioned in the last section. Going out on Friday night depresses me because I am alone. These days "alone" automatically says miserable and desperate. You go somewhere social alone you are basically inviting alienation. You are saying to people "I have no friends I want someone anyone" At least the is the feel I get when I go out. If people want to play the game I am playing They will acknowledge me. That is it though. Otherwise I am the creepy guy there by himself. I see it on the train And in the places I go. Not to mention the fact that being out is a constant reminder of the fact that I have no idea to socialize. I highly doubt that I am the only person out by themself. Yet it is all too obvious that I am. I look arouns and see people making friends easily with no effort at all I cannot even tell they are alone because they seem to have befriended these complete strangers with no effort at all. Going To SC I need forget about this place. So many galleries of beautiful girls. Z was just as beautiful as all of them. I get depressed as I look at them. Hovering around the NDK forums NDK is the major anime convention that occurs every year. The forum is just a way to keep in touch with people over they course of the year. There are events that go on And stuff like that. I wonder to myself why do I need to join this forum? Then I remember, it is because I met Z on this forum. So I can leverage that forum to meet girls And potentially bed them. Then I realize that most girls at that con are not single nor are they legal for that kind of activity. Most just want to be my friend so I just hover, wondering how many people are actually active on the forum. If there are really any females who frequent the forum. If there are any who would not see right through me.