Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by attack_amazon, Jul 8, 2009.

  1. attack_amazon

    attack_amazon Well-Known Member

    Some of you may remember I've talked about being in a polyamorous relationship before. It was my husband, myself, and our male third "T" who was both of our best friend and just as much a husband to me as the one I legally married. We were together for years and it worked really well.

    The thing is that it's hard. It takes more effort than your normal relationship, but for us the real problem was other people. We tried to keep it low-key, because we live in the rural southern US and people tend to freak out if they know you don't quite fit into the standard mold. But occaisionally someone would find out, and I've been called a ***** more than once because I was sleeping with two guys at the same time, despite the fact that I was only sleeping with those two guys, so it wasn't like I was running around screwing the daylights out of anyone who would sit still long enough. At the same time, my husband and T got a lot of flak for being "gay", even though they were both straight and that's not how our relationship worked. The craziest thing, though, is that even people who were in poly relationships themselves didn't get it, either because we didn't have an open relationship or because J and T weren't having sex with each other, and people used to warn us, I think at least with good-intentions, that we were headed for trouble because of it, even though we usually ended up outlasting their poly relationships.

    Now that T passed away, it's just the two of us again, and we agreed that we don't want another third. It only worked with T because we were all best friends for a long time beforehand, and I particularly would feel like we were trying to replace him and no one can replace him. We've mentioned this to other poly friends of ours, and they totally don't get it. They keep offering to set us up with friends of theirs or encouraging us to try an open relationship as a way to "move past it". It's like if we're not in an open or polyamorous relationship, we're not part of their "enlightened" little circle anymore.

    Has anyone else had experience with a poly or open relationship? How did it work out for you?
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I guess I am young and niave and didn't think this even happened. I understand how you don't want to replace T. I wouldn't if I were you. His loss is important to you. Maybe you should just continue being with the two of you. If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me.

  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I've known people in polyamorous relations, but haven't been in one myself. But the reactions you're receiving remind me greatly of reactions one gets when telling someone "I'm bisexual". "I'm bisexual" doesn't mean "I'm a slut", it doesn't mean "I want to fuck everything with two or three legs", it doesn't mean "I want to have sex with a shitload of people at one time", it doesn't mean "I'm bringing my girlfriend to bed to satisfy your male desires" - it means I can as easily fall in love with a man as a woman and visa versa. But people can't understand that. Just as I'm sure people can't get it past their little tiny brains about how your relationship was.

    I'm very sorry for your loss. It sounds as if the time you had together was really beautiful.
  4. Elysia

    Elysia Member

    I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm also really sorry you have had to deal with people's narrow minds. It doesnt suprise me to hear what you are experiencing - unfortunately. I'm not in a poly relationship but it could happen. My situation is complex. People dont and wont understand. I dont 'fit' into a particular model or group. I'm sure there are many likeminded people about, its just a case of hoping to have the good fortune to meet them and in the meantime clinging to self belief and ones own moral code.
  5. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    First up, I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

    I was in pretty much the same arrangement as you were for quite a while. I had two boyfriends, and we were all best friends, had been for years. Unfortunately, shit happens, and it broke down. For me, it wasn't about being polyamorous for the sake of it, it was just those two people, and that situation, so I can relate to how you feel about not wanting a third just so you can still be called polyamorous. If I met the right people it could happen again, but then again, it could just as easily not. It sounds like these friends of yours are in this sort of relationship just for the sake of it, and therefore cannot understand. Anyway, that's just my experience of it...
  6. GeekGurl

    GeekGurl Well-Known Member

    At the end of the day, why make a definition and then be forced to stick to it. You had a unique relationship, you were in love, and it worked for you. Obviously it wasn't about the sex hense why you don't feel the need to replace him, rather sex was just the expression of the affect you each shared for each other right?

    I'm sorry that people are so narrow minded. Why should it matterto them in the slightest. The fact that even your poly friends don't get it just shows that they're not really any more enlightened, they're just different, narrow minded in a slightly different way. Hopefully they at least accept you tho and don't judge you, even if they don't understand.