Currently, I am feeling content with dying. However, what keeps me from committing suicide is the fear of pain and the anxiety it will cause my family and friends. I do not want to live - and yet I do not wish to die by my own hands. It's a strange feeling - it's as if I wouldn't mind disappearing, but not exactly dying. I know that suicide isn't the answer - but it is something I still think of, in a philosophical sense. I don't know how to explain it, but death is something I think about (it is a transient thought). Sometimes it is suicidal, sometimes just wondering what death is like. I'm Christian, but not very pious. But, I believe in having past lives and I do believe in reincarnation. I do believe there is a heaven, but I don't know if there is a hell. No one knows until they die - I suppose that sort of thing intrigues me. I'm not an average teenager, though, as I do have a more mature state of mind due to past experiences with human nature. In any case, my anxiety was caused by a recent breakup with my boyfriend. I considered him my soulmate and the only man I would marry. I know there are a lot of other "fish in the sea", but I had a special connection with this man that cannot be described. I keep blaming myself. I reminisce about the past, and review past mistakes and regrets. I realized how foolish I was, and wondered, "If I hadn't done this/said this or did this/said this, he would have stayed with me." This is what takes up the majority of my thoughts. I have spoken with him lately, as he still remains a friend, and told him that I will always love him and will stay his lifelong friend if not a lifelong companion. He is always a compassionate and very philosophical man. He told me that he was glad and while we would not have a second chance together, we would still be together, bound by friendship. My heart will always belong to him. Transitioning from the background information back to my original concern: What can I do to cope, for now? As I had stated before, I feel like dying and living simultaneously, and it is confusing me. I have been feeling very depressed over the past week and my appetite has decreased. I also tend to stay in my bed more often than I would before. I am a 17-year-old girl. I am still very young, and I want to explore life further - but it seems I cannot. I am currently recieving intensive outpatient treatment (group therapy), but I have not opened up yet. I don't know what to do or how to cope. It has only been a week and a half of feeling this way. However, I had been diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety when I was 7 after a car accident (which I suppose could be grouped into depression somehow). That I believe further amplified it. I was released from my psychiatrist in January of this year, but I don't think I took treatment seriously back then, and never really got help. I really appreciate answers in the form of more than one sentence. Please refrpain from any snide remarks. Thank you all.