Pondering life and death: Please help me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lilliopian, May 27, 2012.

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  1. lilliopian

    lilliopian Member

    Currently, I am feeling content with dying. However, what keeps me from committing suicide is the fear of pain and the anxiety it will cause my family and friends. I do not want to live - and yet I do not wish to die by my own hands. It's a strange feeling - it's as if I wouldn't mind disappearing, but not exactly dying. I know that suicide isn't the answer - but it is something I still think of, in a philosophical sense. I don't know how to explain it, but death is something I think about (it is a transient thought). Sometimes it is suicidal, sometimes just wondering what death is like. I'm Christian, but not very pious. But, I believe in having past lives and I do believe in reincarnation. I do believe there is a heaven, but I don't know if there is a hell. No one knows until they die - I suppose that sort of thing intrigues me. I'm not an average teenager, though, as I do have a more mature state of mind due to past experiences with human nature.

    In any case, my anxiety was caused by a recent breakup with my boyfriend. I considered him my soulmate and the only man I would marry. I know there are a lot of other "fish in the sea", but I had a special connection with this man that cannot be described. I keep blaming myself. I reminisce about the past, and review past mistakes and regrets. I realized how foolish I was, and wondered, "If I hadn't done this/said this or did this/said this, he would have stayed with me." This is what takes up the majority of my thoughts.

    I have spoken with him lately, as he still remains a friend, and told him that I will always love him and will stay his lifelong friend if not a lifelong companion. He is always a compassionate and very philosophical man. He told me that he was glad and while we would not have a second chance together, we would still be together, bound by friendship. My heart will always belong to him.

    Transitioning from the background information back to my original concern: What can I do to cope, for now? As I had stated before, I feel like dying and living simultaneously, and it is confusing me. I have been feeling very depressed over the past week and my appetite has decreased. I also tend to stay in my bed more often than I would before.

    I am a 17-year-old girl. I am still very young, and I want to explore life further - but it seems I cannot. I am currently recieving intensive outpatient treatment (group therapy), but I have not opened up yet.

    I don't know what to do or how to cope. It has only been a week and a half of feeling this way. However, I had been diagnosed with PTSD/anxiety when I was 7 after a car accident (which I suppose could be grouped into depression somehow). That I believe further amplified it. I was released from my psychiatrist in January of this year, but I don't think I took treatment seriously back then, and never really got help.

    I really appreciate answers in the form of more than one sentence. Please refrpain from any snide remarks. Thank you all.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hello. I hope you will take my comments as helpful, since my prospective on what many post on this site is very different than the average person who replies. I am somewhat an outsider. Oh I have feelings that make me a candidate for suicidal thoughts... but I won't allow those kinds of thoughts. To die would be a waste and it would dishonor everyone I know. It would hurt others very much... I know this because my son, who was 18, committed suicide less than 2 years ago. My heart was ripped out, torn to pieces, and then force fed back down my throat where it sits like a lump of pain that makes it almost impossible to even swallow. Nothing is worse than losing a child, especially when it is so senseless and without explaination or reason I can know or understand. Had he gone by disease, or through an accident, an act of war perhaps, or a homicide... at least I would know why. I am forever in a prison and I have no hope of parole.

    That said, I hope you can see where I am coming from and why your life is important. It's important, though, for many reasons more than just to keep others from experiencing pain. You mentioned your ex boyfriend and that you are still friends for life. For LIFE. That is important. If you care that much about him, then his happiness is important and so while a relationship right now may not be in the cards, being around him as a friend has special meaning and purpose too. Not just that, but life is long and things change. People change. Feelings change. Needs change. You don't know that if tomorrow a relationship may spring up between you both again. Don't seek it out, but don't dismiss it totally either. Perhaps you will eventually meet someone else. You found him, so why can there not be another... and another? Friendships based on more than intimate relationships have great value too. I am happily married 30+ years, yet I also had a female friend who was a very close friend to me for many years. No threat to my wife, in fact a friend to her as well... but to me, a good friend who meant a lot to me. Never ever any feelings beyond friendship, but sometimes these other types of friendship are just as important in our lives.

    You're young. What are your plans for a future? Prior to feeling down, you must have had some plans. Pursue those. Make life happen and let karma run it's course. Not eating and not sleeping well only will make your condition worse. Push yourself and find a reason to go out and do things. Do whatever things you enjoy. See other friends, or play sports, or do music, or take walks, play with pets, volunteer to help others, get a job, whatever. Do things that keep you active and that make your mind work. Life is a terrible challenge - believe me, I am living through hell and I have none of the hopes that I have just said you "maybe" might experience. I can't bring my son back. I can survive though. I can fight. I can win. You can as well.

    Don't let the devil in your mind beat you. I'm not referring to a biblical devil, but rather to that natural thing inside our heads that gets stronger when we allow it. Don't let that one win. Beat it. Hang tough. You're only 17 and there is so much more yet to come. I wish my son had hung on and could experience the rest of growing up. I wish he could feel the pain of fighting to make life worth living... because life is.
  3. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    If nothing else talking to People on here about what you feel will help you cope with your thoughts and feelings. I went through a highly similar experience when my fiancee left me. My biggest mistake was that I allowed my emotions to dictate my outlook. Im not going to start with the cliches. I try not to remember her but instead why I chose her. Understand why u wanted him that will help u understand the emotional needs your trying to satisfy. It sounds really simple but your suppose to really think about it to understand. id make it easier to understand But my phone sucks :)
  4. lilliopian

    lilliopian Member


    I am very sorry for your loss.

    Knowing that it would cause so much heartbreak to a lot of people gives me hope that I wouldn't want to even think about harming myself. Your story is much different - you have the perspective of someone who has been affected by a suicide. Just reading the synopsis of your view makes me realize that I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. I realize that I wold indeed hurt a lot of people: family, friends, and perhaps even my ex boyfriend (though I never liked the prefix "ex").

    He is indeed very important to me. He taught me a lot about myself and what I need to do to make myself a better person. I always wondered why he was so passive about our break up (and I despise using those two words, but I have no means of using a euphemism at this time). He told me to imagine all your worries and problems floating down a stream, leading into an ocean that is your past. That ocean is to be looked upon with compassion and understanding. I hope that I will be able to become stronger, and stay his lifelong friend.

    Perhaps I may meet someone else. You're right, there are indeed many people out in the world. For now, I won't dismiss anything. I don't want to die because I want to find out what's in store for my future. And yet, I dislike my life presently. I need to work on focusing on the future while tending to my problems with blaming myself.

    In the future (in a year or so: I will be a senior in high school next year) I want to attend Rowan University and major in Creative Writing. I want to be a poet or an author/illustrator and maybe do freelance photography or make comics with my sister. I have a lot of talents that I consider hobbies that I can definitely apply and transform them into occupations. But it's all up to me. That's why I'm still excited about the future - I want to know what I will become. I just need guidance so that I won't think of suicide any longer.

    Thanks for replying, by the way. Your insight has inspired me, and I'll be sure to keep your words in mind as I fight to beat the "devil" in my mind.
    And as I said to my ex yesterday, "I will fight with you, like brothers in the army, up till the very end!"
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you have heard some good advice from your friend and I think you should hang in, as you've said. I'm happy to hear that you intend to. When you feel down, of course you can come here and talk to everyone and get all prospectives. I have one set of views and others have another, but I bet that in the end most of us all mash together into something really strong you can rely on for advice. Take from each those bits that work for you.

    My son was in high school when I lost him. He was my best friend. He was an actor (had been on a TV series) and had a band that was taking off. It goes to show that even when every thing is going well for you, the pains of depression inside the mind can take control. Don't let it ever take that kind of control. Your aspirations sound wonderful. I've been published a few times and worked as a commercial photographer for many years. Both are very creative and rewarding occupations and you should look forward to that. I even dabbled in comics for a bit (some friends and I tried to launch a comic book series that combined art and photos to make the story). What fun in younger days. You have those younger days upon you right now so don't miss out on them.

    I'm happy to read your above reply. Keep that strength going.
  6. lilliopian

    lilliopian Member

    I really appreciate your reply. I didn't think anyone would actually reply, but you gave me such a wonderful response.

    When I'm feeling down, I will definitely post again for any advice and speak with a counselor or my parents.

    As a teenager, it's always so hard to see where you'll be in a few years and how you'll turn out. Then again, when I was younger, I thought I'd never grow up!
    It just goes to show time passes more quickly than I realized it would. So I really want to use these next few years in high school and college as stepping stones to find "myself" - the person that I'm going to be. I'm really going to try to become stronger!

    Right now, I want to visit this forum every so often to just give everyone advice. I'm good at giving advice to other people, but when I need it myself, I can't really help myself without the guidance of others. So really, thank you for inspiring me. :)
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