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Pondering (maybe trigger?)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by xoCherie, Sep 7, 2012.

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  1. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    When does it move from simply being a diet to an eating disorder? When is the point where it all changes; where your mind starts chanting "fat,fat,fat,fat" instead of "exercise, eat healthy, be fit"or where you stare at yourself in the mirror and point out all your flaws. Or maybe it was before that, when someone laughed when you said you were trying to lose "a few kilos" and retorted "you won't get there without starving yourself"

    I've noticed in the past 8 days (eight? is that all it's been? Wow) since I decided to start working out and change my diet, the first four days I was fine. I woke up, had breakfast, did some crunches and jumping jacks and squats, went for a little jog, had lunch, relaxed for a few hours before doing another, longer jog, coming home to do more crunches and then dinner and just relaxing. But the fifth and sixth day started going downhill. I woke up, and started working out straight away. I missed breakfast and didn't eat anything until 11am, 12pm. And then it was a piece of bread with butter and jam. Or a small bowl of cereal. And afterwards I'd do another set of crunches and jumping jacks. I went out for the afternoon and in the mall toilets stared at myself in the mirror and I just felt so much hatred flare up. And then suddenly the words "fat, fat,fat,fat, bitch fat, you're so fat look at you with the rolls on her stomach and the thighs that rub when you walk fat bitch fat fat fat" just came from my mouth out of nowhere. And I just stared at myself hard and hissed "I hate you." And I did at that moment. I can't even look in a mirror now because I'm scared it'll happen again. But it gets worse. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday to get my next prescription but I asked if I could get my height and weight. I got it, and I hated it. So I smiled and walked out and went to the chemist next door. While waiting for my prescription I found myself drawn to the Lose Weight area and i scanned the shelves until I found what I wanted. Diet pills, just over $10. I bought them as well as the script and left, mumbling something about the pills being for my cousin to the pharmacist as I left. That night all I ate was a packet of crackers and some chocolate. This morning all I've had is some bread with low fat butter. I'm not hungry (the diet pills are working at least) and I want to run run run. I've done 50-60 crunches and jumping jacks to try and squelsh the urge because it's too hot to run but it won't go away.

    I...I don't know what the point is of this thread. I guess I'm just reflecting on how fast my mindframe changed from seeing this as something positive to a negative and distorted my body image. I know I should talk to someone and nip it in the bud but...I like it, this sense of control while the rest of my life struggles to stay in place.
  2. Medusa.

    Medusa. Well-Known Member

    Please talk to someone before it gets worse. This isn't control it controls you.
    I hate my eating disorder and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please talk to someone before it gets worse, because soon you won't like it, you'll hate it.
    The longer you have it, the harder it is to get better. I wish I had gotten help, but now it's too late and I can't even afford therapy.
    I'm here if need to talk.
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