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pondering my life away... (sigh)

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Hi, i'm Hayden. this is my first time writing so… well, I’ve always been quite depressed all my life… I guess I’ll start by telling a lil about myself.I’m almost 18 and a half now, first yr of university… yay! (sarcastically). this summer practically all my friends left, we hardly keep in touch, when I’m online, they’re not, when they are, I’m not, so much work, so little time, its midterm period and i havent even been on the computer for days to even see if my friends are online, i've kinda given up hope.

I feel so alone sometimes, some days a barely speak a word to anyone. but I gotta say I’ve felt it since when I was little. it all started with secrets,secrets that would isolate me from the rest of the world. I’m about to say things I would NEVER tell someone I know. the first secret I’d say is that when I was little, my parents used to beat me, not randomly like mad childbeaters, like… when I broke a vase once, but this was no plain spanking, I have scars, both physical and emotional. Someone once said that our scars make up who we are, it makes us unique and that we need them… individual or not, MY scars still hurt! But back to the point, my parents don’t do it anymore though, not since I was big enough to “defend” myself. we still have a lot of family problems though, the lies, the hate, my house is drenched in it, even one of my older sisters ran away, well actually, she moved out while my parents were at work, I only see her once every few months now, and my other sister sneaks out to the casino when my mom forbids it. with my dad, i only speak to him like once a week. there's also a big rift in the family, i havent seen or spoken to my cousins or their family for almost 1 1/2 yrs now. so many damn problems, so sick of it.

anyhoo, I grew up isolated from my friends, not being able to tell them, I didn’t wanna be the kid that sent his parents to jail, nor the kid that went to a foster home. I was scared of that, and so I kept quiet. I’ve always felt like the loner of the class, always a little faded, and yet, I was bright and shiny when it came to ppl laughing at me, pushing me, always giving me a hard time. I cried a LOT when I was little (rolls eyes… yes, I was one of those kids) , but anyway, time passed, I grew up, always trying hard, never giving up. But the battle got hard, I’m sick of being alone, and yet I’m too scared of not being alone. It’s all I’ve ever known.

There were time when I felt like hurting myself, but I never did, to scared of a failed attempt, to afraid to let ppl know, I know a girl that hurt her herself, EVERYONE talks about it, and I just don’t wanna be that person that ppl talks about, or that ppl pity. Well, as I said before, I’m 18, never had a gf, never been kissed, and barely been hugged, and it seems like it’s gonna stay that way forever, I feel like practically every girl out there is out of my league, or just not my type. Picky, some might call me, picky I might be… but can I change? How does a person change how they feel about something? How do a gain even a grain of self-confidence when I’ve been running from society, the society that threw sticks and stones at me throughout most of my childhood? I can’t get close to anyone, can’t let anyone in, i don’t want them judging me, judged like I was when I was little. And yet I wanna be with someone so badly. I don’t know what to do.

School isn’t doing to well for me either. I’m in computer science (programming), it’s what I wanna do when I grow up, it’s what I’m good at. But with computer science comes physics and math. I’m ok with those subjects, but its tiring. I don’t feel like I can keep up. So much work. I go to bed at 1:30am and have to be up 6am. Everyday I go to school exhausted from the night before. I don’t think I can take it much longer. I feel like its too hard for me, like a losing battle. But do I give up on my dream? It’s all I’ve ever known. The computer science course is easy as hell, but its all the other courses that I hate so much. I could rest, take it easy, but I know it’s a guarantee that my marks will drop till I get kicked out of the program, if I continue as I am now, I will completely drained for years to come. I hate my life, so confusing.

I work at fast food place, get laughed at sometimes, told MANY times to quit, have every reason to, minimum wage with like a 15 cent raise every six months. I buy my university textbooks by myself and pay for half my meals by myself. I don’t have a lot to spend on anything else. The reason why I stay, it’s the only place that will allow me to work just 2 days a week. I’ve spent almost 3 years looking for a job like this and I don’t want to give it up. My friends all know this, but they still tell me to quit. I cant work more hrs though, I have school. So that’s my life, school on weekdays, work on weekends, homework ALL evenings, that leaves sooo much time for friends (sarcastically). Oh the dilemmas of my life.

I feel so lost sometimes. But sometimes I gain faith, then I try harder, but something always seems to kick and punch me back to the starting point. I must say, I’m a boring guy, not much that I accomplished in my life so far, never did any sports (my parents never put me in any when I was younger) and I never developed the courage to do anything myself because I didn’t feel like I was good at anything, again I was one of those kids always picked last in gym, even the (cough) large (cough) ones were even picked before I was (sry… don’t mean to offend anyone but hey u guys DID get picked first… so looks don’t matter)… um… I guess it was just the fact that it was ME then… great (rolling eyes) something else to make me feel “better”… hmm… where was I? O yah, never really did much with my life, don’t think I ever will. And so comes the big question…

what’s the point? Why do I live? (actually to tell the truth, I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t so scared) but really? Will ppl miss me? ppl always say that family and friends never want u to die and that they’d feel sooooo sad if I did kill myself. But what about how they treat me when I AM still alive. It’s not like I can tell them what I’m writing right now, they’ll give me pity-treatment, and if its not pity, it’ll be because I ‘m a “special” case, (rolling eyes) special my ass! I just don’t know, not enough guts to do it, not enough guts to do something about it, I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t care anymore, don’t care if I live, don’t care if I die.

I got no one to talk to, which bring me as to why I’m writing here in the first place, jeez, I dunno if I wanna read the comments that’ll come from this post. My feelings right now: scared, alone, tired, and most of all, pathetic (sigh) what do I do? Well, if I don’t come back, I’ll just say right now that I’ll probably live, whether I want to or not, ugh, but I didn’t lose ALL hope yet, and prolly some of you might even think I’m a lil wuss crying about nothing, I no that I could be in worse scenarios, another reason y I’ll prolly live, actually writing in this forum alone kinda helped it makes me feel a little less alone, cuz all u guys are reading this, and I don’t have to fear of anyone being in-my-face about it cuz truth is, I don’t have to come back to this page ever again do I? Nah-uh.

So, final words (damn I write so much... so much for it being an "intro") thank u guyz for taking such time to read this. I learned that it helps to write just now, I dunno how, but it just duz. (jeez this post is going for a dip to the cheesy side) and for those who wanna die like me, I suggest writing a big long post, get some weight off your back, if u don’t wanna, that’s ok too. But if there’s even a drop of hope, grab it and don’t let it go, cuz if there’s one thing I learned in life, its that hope is so hard to regain when u’ve lost so much, or in my case, never had much to lose. I hope u guys live, it helps to know ppl out there are going through the same feelings and are still alive. Even if I don’t know u or will never get a chance to talk to u, it helps and gives me a little hope. So, just by living, u guys are helping me. Just as I know I give hope to that girl who I was talking about before (who hurts herself). Before she left for university, we kinda promised each other to not kill ourselves, sometimes its been so hard though, so hard to care anymore, and now she’s gone (sigh), we were there for each other, cuz face it, we have nobody else, if we didnt stick together, we'd both be dead. And once again I am left alone, but the pact still stands… hopefully (haven’t talked to her since she left) maybe i'll get in touch with her again someday, maybe not… watever's gonna happen, i have no idea...but for now... life goes on….


Welcome Hayden! You have come to a great place to talk about anything that is on your mind.
Everyone on this forum is great. No one judges you differently than the next person and everyone knows exactly where your coming from.
I am sorry to hear you didn't have a good childhood. Very sorry to hear your what your parents did to you. But you are stronger than what you think. You have gotten this far and you seem to being doing good.
Yes the first year of college is always the hardest. Lots of books and studying and no time for a life of your own. But if this is what you want, you can do it. Having a big dream that you have is great. It will keep you going forward into a future that holds so much for you.
I know how you feel about friends and not having anyone to tell your feelings to and also being picked on. I had the same situations through out High School. But don't ever let someone else judge you. You are who you are and be who you want to be.
As far as a girlfriend and first kiss goes, it will happen when the time is right. You are still young and have a bright future awaiting you.
You have come to the right place. :smile:
:welcome: to the Forum, Hayden :)
I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much in such a short time :( That is not your fault though. As for friends...I don't have any that I see in real life either. Girls...trust me on this, there is someone out there for you. You sound like a really nice guy :hug:
I'm sorry that school is going so hard for you, is there any way you can talk to any of your tutors and see about maybe getting a little extra time on assigments or whatever? When I started uni they were all "Oh, if you have any problems or it's getting too much just come see us and we'll see if we can do anything to help" :)
I'm glad you found us, anyway, and we'll do the best we can to help and support you :)
Take care, I hope to see you around, and if you need anything or just want to talk, feel free to PM me :)

Welcome to SF! I hope you find everything you need here, if there is anything I can do for you just let me know.....Take Care of yourself, and I hope to see you around very soon........:hug:
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