Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Nessarose, Apr 12, 2007.

  1. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    Have you ever felt as though you were possessed? I keep telling my mom I want an exorcism. I am on high dosages of Zyprexa for schizophrenia, Zoloft for depression, and Ativan for anxiety, but I still don't feel right. It feels like there is something sick in me. I just want it OUT. One night some months ago, it felt like another demon or something entered me. I know this sounds irrational, but I honestly think I'm possessed.

    I feel awful. I'm feeling suicidal. I don't want to leave everyone, but sometimes I don't want to be here, either. I just want to feel normal and good.

    Please forgive the insanity. I feel like crap. If you've had any experience with this sort of thing, please share it. It may help.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I don't have any experience with any of that, nessarose, but just thought I'd send you some hugs anyway :hug:
    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so awful :sad:

    Many hugs for you :arms:
  3. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not-So Well Known Member

    Hi Nessarose... This is the first time I've heard someone mentioning the subject of possession. I wanted to say, I've felt the exact same way many, many times in my life.

    Sometimes when I'm extremely depressed, I feel like I'm not the same person who I'm supposed to be. In fact sometimes I feel like a totally different being. An evil being who has bad thoughts, such as getting revenge against people who have hatred towards me, and hurting/torturing them in the worst way imaginable. And afterwards, when I recover from my sorrow, I feel like a demon for thinking that way. It's like I ask myself, "who's more evil? The ones who hate me, or myself for thinking these thoughts?"

    I even feel that, sometimes, I shouldn't even be alive, as if I continue to live then I will be hard pressed to act on my emotions of anger and sadness. And I'm scared that someone will push me over the edge one day, and I will snap and lose my composure and end up doing something that'll cost me big time. That's why, sometimes I feel that I'd rather kill myself, than do any harm to someone I've grown to hate for having uncalled for hostility against me. It's like I feel as if I'm possessed by a demon who feeds off my hate, anger, and sadness, and is controlling my mind and body like a puppet.

    I just don't feel right when it happens. I get an unusual heartbeat rate, my mind races, I feel like crying, I feel like shouting out loud, my body temperature rises high... I don't feel normal as I should at that point. Like you, Nessarose, I end up feeling awful... and I feel helpless.

    I don't know whether its possession or just an extremely heightened sense of human emotion that's only triggered by manic depression... but it honestly feels so unusual. I don't feel human anymore sometimes when I interact with other people. I just feel dead... but when I'm depressed, its demon-like possession.

    I actually thought about exorcism myself. I don't know anyone who could do it though. If that's what it would take to rid my pain, by all means, someone do it for me, you know? I want to know what it's like to have real emotions. I want to feel love, not hate. I want to feel happiness, not sadness. But its hard to achieve for me, and I don't know if I'll EVER be able to achieve it.

    I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, Nessarose. But you're not alone, I have similar feelings too. I don't know what to do about it, either.
  4. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys. It helps.
  5. ybt

    ybt Guest

    you're probably not possessed, you just get manic. of course, don't let yourself get forced on pills
  6. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    So my mom and stepdad are perpetually pissed at me. I'm going to start working full-time but the benefits won't kick in for 90 work days. My medicine and insurance cost $1,000 every three months. It would be cheaper for me to kill myself. I'm only taking nine college units (started out at seventeen) and it would take forever for my career to start. I want to go off my medicine. Am considering suicide again.
  7. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    My medication today cost $700+. I have no purpose in life except to be a burden on others. I have about $300 from work that I can give my mom but that's all I have.

    Feeling suicidal today.