As i type things will pop into my head and I will get lost while typing and may end up repeating my self a lot. Hi, since my last post here things started to get better, I was loosing weight, I went from 20 stone - 17 in a few month. I got into a college course at my local community college and the course was "The Princes Trust", which done good things for my self confidence/self worth, got a qualification that impresses employers, I made new friends, awesome friends, I am so thankful to them for putting up with me and my stupid moods. During the course I done a community project where me and my group painted a local community center, it took us a week but it was a enjoyable time. I went to the lake district for a week, i done a load of things i never thought i'd do such as go in whaler boats at night on the lake, it was bloody terrifying getting into them haha, spent a whole day walking in the mountains done a load of team tasks. It was a great week. Part of the course was to do a two week work placement, the last time i was in a working environment was when i was 16, and i done my work experience as part of my last year at school. I done this at "Bede's World", and i extremely enjoyed it, the staff are lovely there, and it was lovely weather to. I wish I could work there but they are not hiring. The final major part of the course was the "Team challenge" for this we organised a party for the elderly people who have alsimors (im sorry i don't know how to spell that). We made scones, sandwiches and toot them over to the home where the elderly people are living.. It was a very very bad day for me, one of my close friends found the day very stressful and so did I, during my time there i felt like crying, I went and hid behind my group and as a reaction when i start to get anxious, i started to scratch at my wrist and i done it until it was raw and bleeding. Finally i finished the course, me and my friend arranged to go to the pictures to see the movie The avengers with on of her friends, it was turning out to be a lovely day but to be honest, it was the day that started my thoughts of suicide and hurting myself off again. After the movie finished, we went to Mc Donnalds, we were sitting minding our business talking, and two girls who looked to be 14/15 started spitting spit balls at us, this continued for about 30 minutes, so we decided to leave. As we left the girls started to follow us, they walked ahead of us, they started to pick up rocks, and throw them at us, we tried to ignore them, then my friends friend said something amoungst us about just wanting to push them in front of a bus, and to be honest, i never thought i would hear some one say that to me, because it is something i always thought of, it was something i thought of when i was at school and people would bully me.. Then... they started saying the most horrible things to my friend ... And this broke my ******* heart .. I don't know.. It made me so ******* mad.. Sad.. Angry that i WANTED to KILL them.. tare them apart... And now i sound like a pycho.. Anyways but i HATE confrontation, so i said nothing, and i HATE my self all the more ******* hate my self for not saying anything, every time i think of that moment it triggers me .. My frineds friend lost it.. she had a break down, and this honestly broke my heart all the more. Ever since that moment everything has went downhill, i hardly speak to my friends and see my friends anymore, i feel ashamed when i see her.. and this all happened about 3 month ago i think.. Ever since then I've put weight on, i don't know how much, if i was to check i would probaly get ****** off and go and harm my self and i cant be botherd to do that... I've been angrier, sader, feeling depressed regulerly again.. Ive been harming my self alot since then.. I only see the bad side of everything. In all honestly the person i hate the most in this world is me, i hate what i see when i look in the mirror. One thing that i have decided on though, is i refuse to live another year after my 21st, i don't want to be the same way i am now, and i don't think im going to change, so i've been thinking of suicide a lot more the thought of entering 21 is so hard for me. So anyways, last Saturday i went to a family party.. i had just bought a lovely new shirt, and i wanted to wear it, so i did.. But since i've been cutting my self they seen the scars and cuts because i chose to wear a stupid shirt. And because of that, my 9 year old cousin seen them and started to ask questions and i paniced so i ignored him. I'm still not all that good with social situations like parties ect yet, so i drank... a lot, just to loosen up, and near the end of the night, one of my older cousins asked me how i'm doing ... And i wanted to tell him everything, i wanted to tell someone who cares about me so it wouldn't feel like im alone 24/7. But no, i said i was fine.. Like always. I don't remember the whole night.. And this is very frustrating for me. The reason it is frustrating is because one of my cousins has came back from uni at Cambridge, and the family are going out for a night, and i feel ashamed from last saturday, i don't think i can face them, what if i said something so stupid, what if i done something idiotic, I don't think i can face them. So yeah ... I needed to get that off my chest for a while now.