possible trigger++++new

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ajczj2003, Aug 10, 2006.

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  1. ajczj2003

    ajczj2003 Guest


    so, my name is liz, im 28, live in Mexico City, and have been depressed and suicidal since i was thirteen. The deal is this....when i was two, my Dad started abusing me....sexually, physically and emotionally....i blocked it out, sortof....but i had three abortions, and a baby whom i gave up by the time i was fifteen, and didnt have a boyfriend, so obviously something was going on, and the beatings i did remember. Four years ago, due to some diet pills i was taking, i landed myself in a rehab clinic, and this is when i started to remember the abuse that had continued till that day....i actually went into the clinic more for trying to kill myself than anything....i was there five weeks, and said i didnt want to see him, so my therapist started asking if he'd abused me....i said no....then, i stopped seeing him for two years, while i stuck to the NA program, but the flashbacks and the suicidal intents and the cutting were still there....i finally convinced myself i was strong enuf to see him again, and maybe id made it all up, so i started seeing him....he was pretty okay for about a year, and then on my brother's fourteenth birthday, he started raping me again.....but i still blocked it out until april of last year when i went to this psychology workshop and things got so out of whack i started having sensation flashbacks (which id never had before), and i started cutting....one of the therapists was awesome, she confronted me about the whole thing and i didnt deny it......but she lives in Spain and all she can do is read me when i email her....i was gonna kill myself last year, but she convinced me not to....and i stuck it out....i graduated from Journalism a month ago, but around the same time, he did me....so now im pregnant, i dont have a job, and im desperate....i hadnt cut in about five months, and now ive been doing it again.-----the thingt is, my cuttings getting worse, my dad's abuse is getting worse....as in the last time was an orgy with five men.....and i have reached the end of my rope....why havent i offed myself? I dunno----maybe just thinking that i might be moving to NY soon is keeping me here....but its not soon enuf, and that part of me is getting stronger....i dont even know why im saying this, except im alone....even tho i have a therapist, i dont trust her, i dont get along with mom and even if i did she wouldnt believe me, and the few people that know i dont want to scare away...had enuf of that already-
  2. immure

    immure Account Closed

    how can this be happenin. u should call the cops ur a women protect urself.don t wait get the fk outta there. sounds insanely unsafe.
  3. Convergence

    Convergence Guest

    That's insane. That should never happen, to anyone. That's incredibily bad.

    Please, for the sake of yourself, call the cops. Do it now, never let this go on again. It is destroying you now...get past that horrible experience, and your current experiences. Please, get help.

    It's definitly not worth it...get away...
  4. Sarabrooke15

    Sarabrooke15 Member

    I am so sorry that you had to go through that and are still going through. You are a grown women, it is about time the abuse stopped. Well it should have never started! Don't kill yourself. You may feel that is the only way to deal with it, but it's not. You have all of us here for you. I would love to talk to you every time I get online, and we can talk about our problems, whatever you want! I just wish there was something I could do!
  5. ajczj2003

    ajczj2003 Guest

    I know it shouldnt be happening...i also know im a grown woman, but he is friends with the chief of police here in the city, so no accusation i make against him works....i told on him for a beating, which i did remember, once, and when he found out he made up this big story about it having been from my boyfriend, which i didnt have, and they left him alone, so i got one of the worst beatings ever.....also, if i do anything against him, he will take it out on my two little brothers.....so there's only two ways out of this....i leave in january....or i die now....theres nothing else i can do...unless i want to risk those boys being hurt....and losing the rest of my family for good....thanks to everyone who responded....and Sara, id love to talk to u as well if we are ever online....and thanks again for listening
  6. La La Lies

    La La Lies Member

    u need to tell someone.
    and u need to get away from him.
    i think that's awesome that u graduated in journalism, keep your dreams and goals going. but please tell someone and get away from him.
  7. GuruSwaharati

    GuruSwaharati Active Member

    That is terrible.

    It is deeply upsetting that such things should happen to anyone at all.

    I will echo the words of the others and say that you need to tell someone, whether it is the police or a priest or a friend, you need to get it out.

    Sweet Spirit you need to remeber that it is not your fault, you are not to blame. So please stop hurting yourself anymore.

    I encorage you to get help, it will help you find your center again.
  8. ajczj2003

    ajczj2003 Guest

    Hey guys....well, i thought about everything you said....after something worse happened, im sorry to say....i got pregnant from the last time he raped me....crazily enuf i decided id keep this baby, but i told a friend of mine who is a lawyer....he said he is going to report my dad to the authorities, that yeah....he prolly wont get put in jail, but it should give him a big scare, and prevent him from touching his sons....and, i told my mom i got a job offer right now in NY....that they will interview me on September 25th....its not true, but it was the only way she would give me the plane ticket i needed. Im talking to my uncle tomorrow, saying the same white lie, cuz he was gonna give me money as a graduation gift....i am gonna be applying to a few jobs via email meanwhile, and on September 24th, im leaving...i know its bad to start off on lies, but its the only way i can leave before the sh++++ hits the fan. Am i doing right? Or is killing myself a better idea?

    Thanks for your support everyone
  9. Manically Depressed

    Manically Depressed Active Member

    I see nothing wrong with being a little dishonest to get yourself outta there. I believe no one should ever lie BUT in this case,lol,do what you have to do to get out and on with your life! Good Luck!
  10. cthulhu

    cthulhu Well-Known Member

    they have "live strong" wrist bands for cancer and diabiedes and a mirade of other things, they need them for people whom have survived this sort of thing...some thing to remind them of the fact they are wining everyday they reman alive, all i can say is to live strong and take heart in the fact you have continude to live despite others desires to kill you...
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