so i managed to get out of the psych hospital, so maybe almost everything bad in my life has changed or gone since before i went in. But I am still the same person. I am a weak person, im a manipulative person, i am a bad, worthless, pointless person, and all i will ever do is hurt people and make them worry. That's why i deserve that cut, thats why i dont care that it's infected, that's why i told the stupid guy at camhs that i dont want their help to stop self-harming. I deserve it. All i do is hurt people, i define the word hurt, so being hurt also defines me. I want to take a load of the medication i have stored up. Not to die, i know it wouldnt happen from the amount i've got, but i want to end up in hospital, i want to pass out, i want to have blood taken because i hate it so much. I wish last time i'd tried to kill myself it had worked, because things are, slightly better now, but i'm willing to bet it wont last, it didnt last time, or the time before, and now im kinda hoping my life will fuck up completely again, something to push me over the edge so i have the motivation to actually go through with it. I'm sorry for ranting. I needed to get it out. I dont know what to. Maybe in a couple of months when it's been a full year since my last attempt, maybe i'll just go through with it.