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Post-coronavirus despair

#1
Amid this coronavirus deal I just feel like a busy flush. Spending lockdown alone zapped me and coming out of it has not been easier. If anything it was far harder.

I'm high functioning autistic and lost my mother a couple of years ago, so this really feels like it's just drained the last of the vitality from me. I spent lockdown alone in this bedsit, now I'm too.lethargic to go anywhere.

I did get a counsellor over webcam in early lockdown but things socially then went awry and it now all.feels like a complete waste of time and dollar.

It doesn't really feel like anyone would care if I did die. But maybe that's cause I misinterpret people not knowing how to help.
I suppose I or anyone for that matter would find it hard to tell the difference.

Just venting really. Don't see it getting better. And yet suicide is obviously final. So just here in a vice, going slightly insane
 
#2
Sorry that you are going through this and that you lost your mother.

How much of a difference has Covid made? If it hadn't come along, would you not feel suicidal at all?

I hope things can get better soon
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#5
Hello and welcome. Venting here is always welcome even if just to let off a bit of steam and joining in with others and getting to know each other.
 
#6
There was an autistic girl I liked and was just sort of making my way into when we entered lockdown, then at the end of lockdown things went wrong and I ended up here.

I asked if we could be friends because I thought it would be easier given we are both on the spectrum and the lockdown had changed things so badly and Id been alone for so long. I suggested we meet in the pub when it all blows over - she seemed to like that idea and said she was sure we'd get to meet at some point and it would.all be good.

We share a social circle in that my brother is a mutual friend, but the friendship doesn't seem to have magically appeared. Neither have I been told it's not appearing, despite ASD needing black and white thinking.

My brain won't deduce what is going on I'm sure in part because of trauma and stuff, and I also would expect an Aspie to be relatively transparent. So I'm sure it is OK and I'm just in a sh*t place so can't see anyone right now.

But it's all very confusing and hard to focus on me. I guess the only thing I can do is say that there's precisely 0% chance if I'm dead.

While admitting that's still what I want. Every other way of thinking just seems to result in me getting confused and in an emotional state and then some heavy suicidal thoughts.

Thanks for listening. There really doesn't seem to be room for men like me to have any emotions, and the lockdown/ASD has exacerbated this.

It's a beautiful winter day here in England so I need to use some of it before I go back to work.
 
#8
She said she's sure we'll get to meet at the pub at some point and it will all be good. I'm sure there was an aww and a laugh there too. But that was some time back I've got rid of social media since then and I'm in that much of a state it's hard to imagine how it will all be for the moment.

Haha.
 
#11
Hard to tell really - it would be better to lose hope but then my bro isn't telling me as such, at least, either.

If she was being insincere that's pretty garbage because people with ASD hate that as I'm sure she kinda knows.

It's a spectrum thing, more than likely she was being sincere but now I've ruined myself and just need to get through day to day until I actually have some sense of what's going on.

And then at that point I might come back to suicide again but we're not there yet.

I could restart social media and ask but I can't be bothered, I hate written messages and it's again part of my spectrum disorder. So I wouldn't really be looking to chat much online anyway (it's all social cues and that stuff)
 
#13
Yeah he's quite hard to decipher himself tbh and that's part of the problem. I'm sure he will level at some point, at the moment he's probably just concerned for my well being, which has been poor.

But privately poor as we don't tend to share that stuff.

Also it's not really about "in that way" - people with ASD make few lasting and true friendships. Particularly as we get older. So a friendship would actually be better in some ways for me, particularly as I try to get to the other end of this pandemic.

Anyway cheers for listening. I'm meant to be learning to play World of Warcraft according to my bro so I'll do that for now.
 
#14
Welcome to SF! Why do you think youre only venting? And what's wrong with venting?
Thanks!

Nothing wrong with venting but there's no space too. Me and my bro are very close but different - he's very stoic where as I am more emotional.

I recently struck up quite a connection with his girlfriend. She just lost her cousin who has autism to suicide, we never broached it directly but I think it has been quite beneficial for both parties.

Which is nice because we never got on after my Mum died.

It really has been a bit tough on some autistic people, we don't really adjust to change that well and the situation remains in flux.
 
#15
Sorry I have to give some feedback and say I don't really like the tenor these responses. You wouldn't know either way and neither do I.

That's kind of the point. Friendships can easily be remade when things blow over especially where suicidality and lockdown are concerned.

But I certainly can't control the outcome. Just need to try and ride through it ☺️


Maybe he could level with you if you ask him to, if he thinks she might like you at all.
S
 

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