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Post here if you're a drifter.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude87, Mar 8, 2009.

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  1. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I drift through life, I even drift through this forum without making any connections. I just can't give myself to anyone. Who else is like me? I have a thousand acqaintances, but no real friends. I imagine people coming to my funeral, & everyone would be thinking the same thing. Who was this guy? Noone really knows. There would be a slight sense of sadness, but also confusion, because people would not know how to feel. I don't give them enough context to feel anything for me.

    I tell my stories, have a laugh, then leave alone. Sleep alone. Then repeat, with a new set of people. I think it's because I'm terrified that the more you look at me, the less there is. I permanently keep people at the beginning phases of a relationship, because at this stage I can be anything, anyone... I could be someone interesting! I surprise people with little skills/stories that I have, which make me seem interesting, like they should lead onto something else. But once these are told...I have nothing left. There's nothing left to find out. & I'm terrified of getting to this stage of a relationship. The closer you look at me, the less there is. Once people realise how little I have inside of me, how little I do, the few emotions I feel, how little I enjoy life...why would they want anything to do with me?
  2. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Another drifter here.

    I have the acqaintances but not really any real friends. None that I see any more anyway. Any I had have drifted away.

    I struggle to make a connection with people and life itself. I feel few emotions other than sadness and lonleyness. I can never open up to people. I feel fake.

    People don't know the real me. I don't know who I am.

    Lonleyness is the worst part. I know how it feels waking up late in a quiet house.
  3. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Yeah I can relate. I do that conciously though, not because it happens by itself - I just get tired of all these aquaintances, little connections, responsibilities and stuff, and cut everything off completely. Then get new ones. Happens time after time.

    And the funny thing is, that you don't really wish things to be 180 degrees opposite, because it would be troublesome.
  4. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Me too. The lonelyness is terrible. But it's like I'm continually sabotaging myself. Whenever anyone might want to be let in to my world, I don't let them in. Because I hate my world. I hate my life, & I don't want anyone seeing it.
  5. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I know all to well. I'm embarassed at my lack of life and what people will think of it, and all my problems make me go further on the defensive.
  6. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    My problem is, that i don't know how to pass that 1st stage of relationship.
  7. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    This description fits me quite well.

    This does not; I have no friends and very, very few acquaintances.

    Nor does this. I suspect you could hold my funeral in a cardboard box and not feel crowded out.

    Nor does the rest of your post describe me. What I am attempting to do with my life as of now is accept the fact that I am always going to be isolated from others. And work out how I can continue to muddle through life so as to best do my duty to those to whom I owe it. In all probability this will mean giving up even any hope of connection, though it may also mean suicide, though I think my sense of duty will continue to check my hand there, barring something like terminal illness.
  8. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about the 1000 aquaintances and few real friends. I have a few real friends, they're all just too far away to have impact on my life.
    Once i had a lot of friends, then i realized i did all the work in keeping those relationships, and they never made an effort. Thats when i suppose i started not making friends. I'm like you in that i meet alot of people, they think i'm cool, or a nice guy or something, but we never get past the first couple of meets/hanging out, then we never do again.
    it's partially because i'm a boring person at heart, partially because i don't see the point of keeping relationships...partly because i have social anxiety and i don't like talking to new people in general (although i can talk to them fine, keep a conversation going for a while, i just don't like it).
    Like i said i just don't see the point in doing anything anymore. Why make friends when we'll not see eachother again? or someone will move or leave or something.

    If i die, my family will be there, they'll be upset, but other than that...there's no one. People will show up, but they won't care, they'll be coworkers (maybe), aquaintances who won't remember me after a month (maybe even less). I have almost no impact on the people i meet.
  9. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    wow, i know exactly what you mean. i'm the exact same way.
  10. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    YOU SAID IT PERFECTLY! i am so upset right now about the same thing and then i came across your post... wow...

    1000 acquaintances and a few distant close friends...

    it one of the reasons i am finding it so hard with a break up... he was so close to the real me... and now i don't feel like i can open up to anyone like that again...

    i put up an awesome facade but deep down... i'm terrified of being boring...:sad:
  11. requiem46

    requiem46 Active Member

    Yeah, that mostly fits me too. I know many people, but I can't bring myself to talk to them about anything half important. And then I realize I don't want to waste my time by talking unimportant random stuff that will never make me be their friend.

    I'm pretty much thinking of killing myself on a daily basis (which I'm not going to do, though), and people not only can't see that, but they also think I don't care about their thoughts at all and that I'm happy being by myself. Go, fa├žade I've improved over the years!

    I'd laugh at the stupidity of it all if I saw my life like it was a movie, you know
  12. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, I feel the same way. I drifted away from New Zealand to Europe. I was looking for a "fresh start" but really it was just wanting to be, like you said, somebody else.
    I guess, deep down I feel ashamed of who I am, so I don't want anyone else to know the real me.
  13. x1kristen1x

    x1kristen1x New Member

    may i be a drifter!? LOL

    to start this off im 19
    i have 0 real life friends and 2 online friends...
    i dont do anything.. no job... cant communicate with people at all
    one of us are close... as in saying i love you and what not lol

    abused until the age of 6 then taken away from my family for 4 years
    im a transsexual and have no support from my family -.- that's hard enough

    i don't know what to think of life anymore....

    i have a cutting addiction... took a razor and cut my wrist,face,body about 200 times... the same day o_O

    sorry for my confusing grammar >.<
  14. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    sometimes i feel that way.. feel like i drift on by with no one noticing me
  15. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    I don't really have any friends to show for my life.

    All the people I know are merely accquaintces (sp?) and if I were to vanish it'd just be "oh well" for them. Just a very few select people I see every 2 months or so would realize I'm gone eventually.

    No relationships, hardly any family. I'm close to my mom, that's about it.
  16. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Glad I'm not the only one.
  17. alexander01

    alexander01 Active Member

    Il be drifting trough eternity soon enough.
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