Hi, I am new. I posted my basic info in the new member intro. I worked for a large company and had to lay off hundreds of people. All of them fell into 3 catagories: 1- why me, 2- what benefits do I get, 3- are their other opportunities elsewhere in the company. I guess 4- I knew it was coming--but that was rare. One day of doing this all day, I had one individual that I wanted to let go and I was going to call it a day. He came into my office, and he fell into none of the categories. He was "its ok, no problem". I said "lets go over your benefits/severence pay". "no, whatever it is, it is, so lets not bother". I said that this was very difficult for me, as most of the people I was letting go were people Ihad worked with for 10 or more years, and some started the same time and we worked side by side until I started getting promoted. "He said, man do not take it personal. Its cool, I know you are not singling me out for any reason and I know its hard on you". I said, well, lets just go over the benefits and I need a couple signatures. I got the documents out, he signed right away and said, "we done"? I said, no--"we need to go over this, I would be doing you a disservice if we didn't". He then pulled out a revolver and I thought he was going to murder me, but he took his life. The image has haunted me and has changed me in ways I cannot describe. I was suicidal then, and still am. I went into a mental hospital after for a few weeks, and got some help and felt maybe 10-15% better, but the meds had so many side effects--(paxil, sinequan) that I didn't like them and stopped. I learned I would never let anyone witness me doing it, nor would I do it in a traumatic way. In the hospital I said I would take pills, and they said "Oh you dont want a mess", they were trying to force me to talk about it. I do not love myself. I am a failure. I am on social security disabilty, having had 2 neck surgeries, need another, need knee and hip replacement, and my wife is always saying "I want a virile man". How do I feel when she says that? I dont need to say. My goal is to make sure my family knows that none of them were at fault, that none of them could have done or said anything to change my decision. I just really want the pain to go away. I am sorry that I deviated and started one topic and maybe wound up in another, maybe admin can delete or move it, I am tired. I cannot be the husband my wife wants, and cant fix that one. Most things I can fix, not this. Thanks for listening. Sorry to ramble.