Posting this means I still hope for a miracle, I guess...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SuicidalAgain, Sep 18, 2010.

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  1. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    I want to die. I'm so sick of everybody being so perfect, perfect to the point that they can judge. I'm tired of being rejected by the whole world and being mistreated by my own sister, being invisible to the rest of the people, I'm sick of all the pain in the world, all the addictions, all the darkness that lingers in this dying planet. I know that I don't want to be a part of this.
    A while ago I cried when I imagined everyone's reaction to my death. Of course imagining the future is stupid, but I imagined my mom crying and that broke my heart. It didn't kill the demon that's tempting me, though. He's still seducing me with promises of... Non-existence.
    I'm still trying to figure out how I'm gonna do it. Once I tried to <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> but I bet when I'm at the store the clerk will know what it's for. I don't care, I'm leaving.
    I feel so alone and so hopeless, I don't think there is any cure to this loneliness. I've been feeling this way ever since I can remember, and with the loneliness the wish to disappear. When I was a kid I used to hide to see if people noticed I was gone, but I don't remember anyone searching for me.
    All the people I've ever befriended with are gone, all I have left is myself. There are no hopes nor dreams, there's just me and this loneliness. It's good sometimes, but others it's the worst thing in the world. All the people I have inside agree, each one of them is tired and hopeless, each one of them has had their dreams crushed by monstrous humans.
    My aunt works in the clinic where I had my therapist appointments and she came here just now to tell me he asked if I went to college and how I was and that he wanted to talk to me. Must be a psychic. Whatever, I'm not going back to hear him talk through the whole session assuming that he understands me when he doesn't even let me talk.
    It's enough, I won't lie to myself anymore. I'm not and I never was fixed.
    As I wrote in my introduction thread, I didn't get accepted to the course I applied for. That was enough to break the illusion. And with those lies, so did I. I've been slowly dying since I got that slap in the face. I'm not saying that college is important to me because I'm not even sure what I want to do, but I didn't do anything this year and I became away from the whole world. Listening to people talk about how people are nothing, are worthless, are stupid, are despicable if they don't work or study when I kept trying to improve myself, trying to change my way of thinking.
    I was looking forward to start classes again, to meet new people, to wake up every morning with something to do... Of course I have another chance, I may get into something I'm slightly interested in, and that would do it... at first. But I'm not looking forward to anything anymore. I think they will announce who got in in October, but I don't even want to know. I don't care if I get in, I want to die. I've had enough lies in these 20 years, now it's time to rest.

    I suppose I need to start writing a big note...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2010
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member


    I can see you are hurting so much right now. Please keep posting here and get to know us.

    A lady once said to me, "Oh, honey, there's always a stupid tomorrow." I was angry when she said that especially when I knew tomorrow would be stupid. But I knew she was right.

    I hope you feel better soon.
  3. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Your Mother is reason for you to tough it out and survive. The pain you would cause her would be devastating for her and you do care. You are a sensitive thoughtful person. You have had some hard blows.That is not a reason to destroy yourself. Give yourself the chance that others have failed to give you, Be on your own side and try to do what is best for you. You want to have interests, have friends make progress. Keep learning, teaching yourself and be on the lookout for opportunities. Yes you have setbacks that knock you sideways and it is easy to for me to say pick yourself make the best you can of your situation. It is hard to do. But take a step a time. Get healthy diet and exercise. Think about what you can do to make things better for yourself, even little things. Let that hope for a miracle motivate you and give you courage.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I think that you'll get into a college program eventually, as long as you keep trying. I got turned down by numerous programs before I was finally accepted into teachers college. You seem to carry the weight of the world's problems on your shoulders. Focus on getting better and improving your own life instead of worrying about how bad the world has become. Don't give up hope. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2010
  5. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Thank you both :hug:
    Yesterday I went to bed early, I had loads of coffees through the day and it was hard for me to fall asleep. So I got up and took a sleeping pill. My brother and his girlfriend are around and they rented New Moon, so I watched it with them. It felt good.
    Loser, it's terribly hard for me to make friends, I'm always on the lookout for fake people and that's because I'm so used of being back stabbed by my best friends. Now I have no one, no connections to the outside world. I have a healthy diet (I guess), I'm a vegetarian and I haven't had problems with that until now. I suppose I could exercise, but it's one of those things I don't like to do alone.
    Anyhow, I'm not feeling so bad today.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you do try again for school you will meet new people there try something light even that will bring you a sense of joy. art class music You can succeed you have that in you. Don't let anyone take away your dreams okay there is always another way to accomplish what you want. Reach out to others okay don't isolate that is the only way you won't be so alone. I am glad you are talking here as you now realize people are listening people care Keep trying because you are so worth the effort
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Have you looked into getting a new therapist, one who's more willing to listen to you? From what you've said, your current one sounds like he isn't the right man to be helping you.

    Then again, maybe I'm just oversensitive/paranoid about terrible physicians (I count mental health in this...)
  8. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get in. I'll get loads of pressure and I'm getting it already because some people assume I didn't even apply for college. I really wanted to go, you know, have something to take me out of bed every morning.
    I think my therapist isn't so bad, but it's true that he doesn't listen. Sometimes he stops me, not to ask a question, but to start talking and... well, I end up spending my money and not getting half of it all out. For instance, when I tried to kill myself last year, I went to him and he didn't even ask me "why" and started talking about how negative I was being. So, yeah, I told my mom I wanted to find a new therapist - not a therapist, but a psychiatrist - and she wants me to stick with that one.
  9. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Tell people how it is about your college application. You have made application and done all you can do.
    There should be somewhere you can go to ask advice about alternatives.
    Can you get voluntary work?
    Your therapist was being negative about your negativity.Difficult to deny because that is another negative.
    You mother means well but your therapist has to be your decision,
    You are the one seeing him.
    If you are vegetarian you need vitamin B12.
    There is some in eggs but not enough and a vitamin B supplement might be considered.

    If you have garden put birdfood and fresh water out for birds in the morning.
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