Potential, talent, maybe even genius, all throw out the window

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Ordep, Nov 30, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    (the following post has alot of bragging, if you hate people bragging about themselves, please dont read further. I dont blame you.)

    From day one people always expected great things from me.

    Back in pre school, kids my age were struggling to decide on what color they should color the sun with on their colouring books, while I was learning how to count from 0 to twenty in english (a foreign language).

    On the first four years of school I was by far the best student in my class, they wanted to skip me a grade, but my mom did not allow it.

    I grew an interest in music and started playing the guitar, despite everyone pushing me towards the piano, because of my age. It took me 2 hours to fully master the basic scales and mechanics of the instrument. In a few months I was playing compositions meant for people with much more time under their belt, my teacher was stunned. That very year he put me playing at my music school's yearly concert, the person with less playtime ever to step on that stage.

    At mid school I had straight A's without picking up a book, especially at English and french, I could sleep half the class and wake up at some point and I could still follow the class easily. I went as far as getting a 100% correct answers in all science tests in one year.

    I grew interested in economics and maths and pursued that in high school. Made an entry for a nation wide contest sponsored by the best national business college to write a paper on economic theory present in a tv show, came 2nd altough there were many claims that the winning paper could not have been made by an high school student since it covered topics inside the scope of college, alas, I still got a nice laptop and a check from it.

    At some point I became really good at guitar and bass and people started to notice me, my ex was also an amazing singer and we made a duo that got some great reputation in the growing musician scene in my hometown. Music teacher would congratulate me on my playing, commenting on how my style of play seemed to fit the neo-classic style, and that I could become a great musician if I developed that aptitude. I started listening and learning neo-classic music mainly and decided to learn how to play the keyboard to further enhance my immersion in the genre.

    Ended high school with great results and got admitted in the most prestigious business college in Portugal, and one of the best in the world, with scolarship no less!

    At the request of my ex, I joined a rock band my ex had recently joined to record their debut album, my first recording! Tough it wasn't really my style I had a great time on my short time with that band and even had my first real concerts.

    Then she broke up with me and cut me dead, the only person I really cared about in the world, my girlfriend, vowed never to talk to me again.

    It all came crashing down, I lost focus in school, grades started going downhill, started skipping classes and failing them.

    Got dumped by my band and soon discovered that no one is willing to have a bandmate who the best singer in the area refuses to work with, became depressed and stopped playing altogheter, I couldnt even think about playing and writting music anymore, it all reminded me of my ex.

    Lost the will to study, kept failing more and more classes, parents couldn't believe how fast I was dropping.

    And eventually I hit rock bottom and lost everything I have accomplished, people always said I was destined for great things, but not I doubt anyone would stay true to what they said, I see it in their eyes, how they think themselves above me, how they look down on me, my father never cared for me and my life choices, he thinks I should be work, love football and drink 4 beers a day like him, but I see how my mom looks at me with dissapointment. I let everyone down, even those who couldnt care less about me, and even myself.

    Now, here I am, nothing to lose and trying to gain something once more. I'm way too behind to have any real chance of suceeding at the classes I'm taking at college, but I'm trying my best to get the best score possible, just for the heck of it and for the sake of learning, which will be useful when I change colleges. But even now, I really cant study anything decent. I'm trying to force myself, but in the end nothing comes out of it.

    Same is happening with music, after request from someone from SF I'm trying to get back on track, trying to clean the rust from my fingers, trying to write songs, but it feels like I'm fighting myself, nothing comes naturally, and nothing seems quite as enjoyable as it used to be.

    All this stuff that I achieved in the past, I feel like that was a past life, I dont talk about it anymore, until recently I wanted to pretend it never existed, I never did any of that, because I didnt want to live under my own shadow, I cant deal with the past expectations, I cant deal with people expecting more and more from me when I'm here on the mud, I figured if I lied to myself and say these episodes never happened, maybe I would believe myself, but it doesnt work like that, you cant change the past.

    My heart is telling me to stop this alltogheter, but my brain tells me to keep pushing foward. I go to bed everyday, frustraded at myself because in the morning I set goals for myself, easily achiavable as they may seem to be, but I never see to be able to get them done. I really dont know if this is worth it...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2009
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Of course you are worth it, and from what you say, you have a lot to offer to the world...keep moving and try to suspend a critical analysis on what you are doing...just do it, as it is said...best of luck and please let us know how you are doing...J
  3. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Magic beans out the window too

    My friend Pedro, that story literally brought tears to my face ^__^.

    I think that's the worst tragedy you know? When you are really gifted and some horrible force destroys it all.

    That's what happened to me too, in a different way, but a similar theme.

    Your life - it's not about books or music. It's much more than that.

    You're a really beautiful person.

    I told Josh, we can only see through two eyes, we can't see everything and our role in the true scheme of things, if we could I think it would be easier to be happy, even at our downfalls.

    I think you know by now my bizarre academic tragedies. On top of that...

    I've written like 5 songs for the movie Twilight, but most of them are lost, people have them but I really chewed through my future, some of them won't talk to me again, and the songs were perhaps more beautiful than my poetry. I wrote lyrics to Twilight piano songs. I wrote lyrics to other piano songs, also lost. I rewrote the lyrics to Abide with me and trust me, my lyrics were perhaps better, and that's quite a feat considering it's such a beautiful funeralic theme. And that's lost too. ._. And I'm too afraid of fame and made too many mistakes to ever have the courage to become successful. I found the deepest secrets to internet marketing, and I messed that up fully.

    Oh well...it's nice to share war stories my friend. All the best, things will get better, YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT PEDRO, BE PATIENT. :hug: *sad smile*

    You mentioned out the window - just like magic beans my friend, no true beauty ever truly dies http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_and_the_Beanstalk
  4. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    More advice coming up, sorry!

    But wanted to say that even though everything good you achieved in the past seems to be for nothing, that where you are at now it's as if none of it matters - that doesn't negate the fact that you DID achieve, and that you still have the same qualities and potential.

    So right now it all seems futile and a huge effort with no reward, but you've been going through a really bad time for a long time. Respect that, otherwise the more you fight to achieve things, the more you are going to be down on yourself for not matching the ease with which you managed it in the past.

    You have the talent, the intelligence, the enthusiasm still in you - just give it a bit more time until you feel it again. Small steps right now, sometimes one forward two back, until you get the flow again.

    And know also that you have lots of friends on here backing you all the way!

  5. TaraB3ar

    TaraB3ar Well-Known Member

    Isn't it horrible how someone can have that big of an effect on you? I hate that. My story was similar to yours, though I may not be as smart as you, I was working hard in a very strict advanced program and 3rd in my graduating class and very proud of my hard work. Until I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me and we broke up, that broke me too. I just didn't care anymore and was skipping classes and all that too. So i can understand where you're coming from. But its never too late, its not as if you're 80 years old looking back, you still have so much ahead of you. You should do things for YOU not because others expect things. do you what you like and want to do. good luck you, i wish you the best.
  6. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    You can probably bounce back if you find the will, you seem to have the ability.

    Best of luck.
  7. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all your kind words everyone. Obviously this is worth it, even if there's a very long way to go, at least someday I'll be able to say no matter how it ended up, at least I tried.

    I'm sure no one else will see it this way, it's all about absolute sucess or failure out there, there's no "personal victory" when we judge others, the effort we put into things doesn't matter jack to most people if that effort doesn't produce results. Yeah, I'm pretty sure no one will ever give a damn about me unless I make it big time like before, but at least I know some people here will be happy for me no matter what I accomplish out there.

    And I thank you all for that :hug:
  8. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    How much did CFS play into this? And at what point did it's problems start or get quite bad?
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