*Potentially triggering*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Syn, Jul 26, 2012.

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  1. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    You know, I've been through a lot of shit. My entire life I've been fighting this chaos that's ben ripping and tearing at me for years. It's so hard to be strong sometimes, and I shouldn't be here posting this, I shouldn't be feeling this way but I can't help it. I've been suicidal for most of my life now, every day I just wish it owuld end but I dig deep and I find that little bit of strength we've all got inside. Lately I just feel so tired, it's like I don't have any of that strength left, it's like everything in this stupid fucking life has just burned me out. I thought I could fight these suicidal thoughts, I actually thought I could learn to heal after I've been so broken and messed in the head. Man, that's just funny.

    I guess I've always jst been a dreamer, my whole life I've just been daydreaming about all of this amazing shit I wanted to do with my life and sometimes I could feel the tears of happiness when I imagined achieving those dreams. Whatever, I guess I just need to accept that I'll never amount to shit. I don't even know why I'm bothering to post here anymore. I came here wanting to help others who felt this way cuz I knew I was gonna do it eventually and I didn't want anyone else to suffer like that. How did I expect to help a single person when I can't even help myself? I don't even know what people are talking about with this being happy shit, because for it doesn't seem like happy is real. It's always frustration, depression, or these motherfucking anxieties. The anxiety is getting more frequent too, the depression is already manic and constant, the anxiety is starting to be constant too. For a while the drugs helped, now the monster that is addiction is just sinking it's claws into me and ripping me apart and I can't just stop. I used to think I had all the willpower in the world, and I thought that nothing could ever bring me down, but look at the addiction beating me down like I'm some insignificant fuck.

    It's getting so much harder to even breath, I keep breaking down in tears lately and I'm the kinda guy who never fuckin' cries. Man, fuck this I don't even want to try to heal anymore, there's just too much shit and I'm just too broken. I can't even find the will to want to keep going. It's gotten to the point where I just dont think anything will ever make me feel okay again, I can't think of one thing thaqt would make me feel better anymore. I used to use my art as an outlet, but it feels lke I just can't let out all of this fucking pain no matter what I do.

    I used to wish that someone would give even half a fuck about me. I've cried myself to sleep wishing that somebody would be there with me and tell me I was okay, but instead I just got played and got my heart shatter time and time again between years of solitude. Now my heart is so fucking broken I can't feel anything, I don't even want to be with anyone anymore. I guess it took me 20 fucking years to realize that I'm such a freak that nobody will ever fucking care. How could I have gotten so desperate to believe my life would ever change? What could a worthless fuck like me ever really believe that I could be loved? No, I'm too messed in the head, nobody would even bother because I'm not worth it. Honestly, I've never felt so alone in my life, all I ever do is keep going, taking life one step at a time but nobody ever sees me. They all just walk by and pretend I'm not, and they just don't care.

    Usually when you feel suicidal you just gotta hold on for a little while and long, then you feel a bit better right? Well what happens when you NEVER feel better? What happens when the pain is constant and never leaves. What happens when it drains you of every ounce of strength you've got and you can't get up anymore? What happens when you just lose all hope? What do you do when you just fuck everything up? What happens when NOTHING makes you feel alive anymore? I just want to scream, it feels like I'm just falling, waiting till I hit the ground and it all ends. This is killing me, and I can't escape it. What hope do I have to hang onto? I'm just an outcast, something disgusting that nobody ever wanted. My birth was a mistake, and I've never really fit in anywhere. I've never be loved, only used, abused, and thrown away like fucking trash. My dreams all fucking impossible.

    I'm tempted to just delete this whole post, I don't know what I really expect to happen by posting any of this. I already know nothing anyone can say will make me feel better. I know nothing anyone can say will change my future, in the end that's up to me. But I'm so tired of fighting for absolutely nothing. I just want everything to stop falling apart, I want to feel alive, I just want to breathe and feel okay. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus, I can't feel anything, I can't do this anymore.

    Okay, so I just went outside for a cigarette and a few hits to try to calm myself down. Needless to say it didn't work, nothing works anymore. I know eventually all of this pressure in my head is going to make me snap one day, and that day maybe I'll finally be free. Or maybe it just won't matter, like everything else. For a while I believed I could get better, and for a while I felt strong, like I could finally rise above it all you know? Funny how dreams just die one by one, so easily. What's a dreamer without his dreams? Nothing, if his dreams are dead, so is he. I've felt dead my entire life, like I'm struggling to force this corpse of a body into motion every day. Sometimes I just feel so drained, I can't even get up. I'll litterally lie there for hours and not even move. Sometimes I'll just pass out for an hour or so, other times I'm awake and hating every moment of my existence. The depression hits me so hard that the tears fall before I even realize my eyes are getting misty. The anxieties just make me pray for death, and they torment me mercilessly. They rip and tear at every little flaw and every weakness in me and then they just laugh when everything collapses.

    Before I die, I wanna figure out how to tell anyone who might care just how sorry I am. I know the pain of losing someone you care about to suicide. It hurts, and it doesn't go away. It just stays there, hurting. Isn't that still selfish though? It's like I'm giving them my pain. I can't do that, but I can slowly drift away from everyone around me. Isolate myself, finish my book and a few songs while they stop caring. Or I cold even lie, tell them I'm going to school in some other state so they won't se me for a while. Then I could say goodbye and it wouldn't be as sad. I could make sure they never knew for sure what happened to me. That, I could do. I'll lie to them, only because I've been living a lie this entire time.

    I always acted strong, tried to be strong. Guess I overestimated myself. I thought when they told me I had all the potential in the world they were serious. I guess they tell us all that though don't they? For some people, it's true. For others, like me? Well, my dad called that I would be a drug addict hobo when I turned 18. He said I'd be begging for cash under a bridge. He was right other than begging for money, why would I care about money? Money can't make this void go away. I don't think anything can anymore. No, I don't have the potential I wish I had. It's funny, if so much shit hadn't happened and I hadn' become who I am then I'd be fine right now. If I held onto who I used to be a long, long time ago I would never have started drugs, never got caught and fucked on job applications, I would be with one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Now? Now, I'm too broken for them, and they would never bother with someone like me, nobody ever would and I don't blame them. I'm so socially and romantically awkward, who would even want to be around me?

    Love stopped being a concern of mine when my ex broke up with me for a 44 year old "Bondage instructor" and started sleeping with everyone. Can you imagine what it's like if you thought you loved someone and then you had to sleep alone in the cold, on the floor of your shitty aparment while you listen to her moaning with another guy each night. And people wonder why I was out in the middle ofthe night, wandering aimlessly with nothing but pain so deep I couldn't breathe in such a violent neighborhood. Why did I just leave forever one night and start living on the streets? What did I care if I died, the sooner I figured the better. I saw a lot of shit I wish I could just drink away, and I wish I hadn't lived through some of it. I won't talk about most of that, I can't. How can you come terms with a moment of hesitaton that could have saved somebodies life? One word, one little move and I could have traded our places. He had more reason than me, he had a family. I didn't have shit, it's just not fair that I was the one that survived. One fucking word, that's all I needed to change everything. I was too afraid to say anything, I guess I just froze.

    I know it wasn't my fault, but I still failed to protect someone who didn't do anything wrong. It's a bit overwhelming rememering. I haven't told anyone yet, it's been over a year since it happened. I guess it all just makes me wonder if this world is just cold and callous. I wonder if maybe there is no reason for all of this pain. Was I born only to die? Is my book just going to end up being thrown in a reject pile and never read? Will anyone hear my songs and understand anything? If they found all the pages with my thoughts written in, would they be able to make sense of my mind? Would they judge me? Hate me? Would they call me weak? Would they call me a coward? I would.

    People keep telling me I need to see a therapist, get on medication, and talk with the "right" person. Well, I've tried therapy, what can they tell me that I don't already know? The medication will only make it worse, and if this gets worse, I'm sorry but I'm gone, I can't even handle it how it is. And as for talking with the "right" person, who the fuck is the "right" person? I don't think there's anyone I could talk to who would change this. Damn, I just realized how long this is, I'll stop being a whiney little bitch now.
     
  2. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hello, After reading your post I have to say I found it incredibly moving. I can relate to vast majority of what your going through and really feel for your isolation and suffering. You read like a very articulate and intelligent guy so my only suggestion is go and find relavant books on how and why you are feeling the way you feel. Try undoing depression by richard o'conner, myths bout suicide by thomas joiner and life lessons by elisabeth kubler-ross. I have found sipirtuality seems to give a more meaningful context to suffering as well. I hope you find some solace that your life experiences mean a lot to someone like me and I hope others too. It's because there are people like you who have gone, or are going through suffering that gives my pitiful life any kind of solace and connection.

    Thank you and God bless
     
  3. kaisada

    kaisada Member

    Heya,

    Some days I am more articulate than others.... unfortunately today is not the best of my days, so I will just say that I, too, am very moved by your sharing and find myself resonating on so many levels. If what you have shared today can represent a small snippet of your books and songs, then I would say after reading and connecting with them, with you, I wouldn't call you a coward at all. I wouldn't just toss it aside and move right on. I see you as someone who is courageous and brave, for having held on for so long, through so much, and I have a lot of admiration and respect for you. Because I have been in similar kinds of spaces, and you know, no amount of words can do justice to how unbearable it is sometimes.

    I was a young person who had many dreams as well. I watched them slip from my grasp as I became overwhelmed with pain and despair of every kind, and I watched myself give up on them, which only increased the despair. I struggled like that for many years, barely holding on, until there was a day when it happened.... a glimpse of the life-giving energy that I had lost sight of years and years ago, just a spark of it, out of the corner of my mind's eye. It didn't magically solve all of my problems, but it gave me a reason to keep living, and so here I am..... and sometimes a little spark is all you need. I have never fit in anywhere either, nor do I have any close personal relationships, and for now I am quite comfortable with that, surprisingly. I still believe that I am a non-human spirit being trapped in a human body, in a human society that makes no sense to me and often feels threatening, but I am finding a way to live in the world, carving out a little niche just enough to hold me.....

    What happens when you hold on for years and years and still nothing happens? I don't know. I know, the whole "it gets better" thing gets really cliche at this point and isn't honestly a guarantee. But I know things changed for me, when I least expected it, in the least expected of ways, when I was so ready to let go - something happened. So I got to keep believing, for the sake of honoring my own experiences if anything, that anything is possible, that the world works in unexpected ways. That, beneath all the pain and obscurity, the spirit still persists, guarding its little light fiercely, waiting for a moment to break through.

    Sometimes when I am in a lot of pain I try to hold that pain in my arms. I am learning to treat it - and myself who is experiencing it - with compassion, rather than blame. Therapy and medication are not things that have done a lot for me either; they haven't worked for me because the nature of my pain somehow requires something more than that - I needed myself, I was the one who could heal me, I was the "right person" that my aching being needed to talk to..... I as in, my spirit. My main question when it comes to healing became.... How can I establish communication with my spirit?

    I share my experiences with you only because I thought I could offer another perspective, from concrete, lived experience, from someone else who has been there. And in the small hope that somewhere in there could be something of value to you, someday. I've thought long and hard about how I can help others when I am clearly struggling myself - and you know what, just by being a presence, by continuing to hold on and give life a chance when others would have given up, by sharing your experiences and letting others know that they're not alone - you're already contributing a lot. I promise. I have come to believe that the only really substantial thing anyone can offer is their own honest lived experience - and the best thing that anyone can offer, is their honest lived experience.

    So yes, thank you for sharing, thank you for existing.... and take care of yourself, the best you can, if you can. *hugs*
     
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