Without going into too much detail (due to SF's stupid rule about methods), I'll just say that I did something to myself this evening which, if done more intensely and for a longer time, would have killed me. I think of it as a practice run. It didn't feel great- I'll probably look for a different method for the real thing. But it was exhilarating in a way. Made me feel powerful, like I was in control for once in my life. Maybe that's why it holds so much attraction for me in the first place. It's the last decision I'll ever make; I'd sure love to be the one to make it, and not nature.