Practice run

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Mortal Moon, Dec 8, 2009.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Without going into too much detail (due to SF's stupid rule about methods), I'll just say that I did something to myself this evening which, if done more intensely and for a longer time, would have killed me. I think of it as a practice run. It didn't feel great- I'll probably look for a different method for the real thing. But it was exhilarating in a way. Made me feel powerful, like I was in control for once in my life. Maybe that's why it holds so much attraction for me in the first place.

    It's the last decision I'll ever make; I'd sure love to be the one to make it, and not nature.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can have control over everthing you do and accomplish use that power and energy to get out of the rut your in and to do better things for yourself. Find a different fix something that enpowers you and that help you at the same time.
     
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    But that's the ONLY thing I can control. I don't have the power to stop the demons from closing in. I've hidden just about as long as I can. There's only one way out.
     
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    You might not have the power but you can get the power with help, any form of it. Its not always all down on yourself to gain strength to beat the demons.

    And what exactly are these demons you speak of? Physical beings or voices?
     
  5. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what the demons are, exactly. That's just my name for it. It's just a deep, persistent dread of some threat that I can't see. I don't know how to explain it- it's like, I feel that the world outside wants to hurt me, wants to make me suffer, and there's nothing I can do to stop it or placate it. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm just paranoid. I can name specific problems, but I don't think any of them really get at the root of it.
     
  6. VonBlown

    VonBlown Well-Known Member

    Yeah I feel the same way about the demons according to the bible they may well be real. I pray a lot, to help me out of it.
     
  7. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Is the outside world making you suffer already or are you just paranoid that it could in future? I think it'd be usefull to tell about the root of your problems too, actually.
    I think it may also be linked to some mental disorder, could be paranoia, I've heard about the voices alot, check out the general disorders forum.
     
  8. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    A little of both, really. As in, it's bad but I think it's going to get a lot worse soon. I feel like if I just stay in my room, I can ignore it all and it will eventually go away. But that's not really how it works, of course. The world is coming to get me, and I can't do anything to hide from it or hold it back. So I say it's not going to take me alive.
     
  9. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    This is the main reason you want to kill yourself, right?
    I'd reccomend going to your GP and get a diagnosis, along with possibly therapy or meds, you need some IRL assurences on this, this is a sophisticated issue, maybe also try some research on it? I have read people with something similair and most take a further course of action (they are to be found on SF!), this really needs further action. Good luck mate.
     
  10. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Thank you. This fear is a tough thing to get over, and I'm not entirely sure I'm up to it. I post on SF mostly because I can't say these sorts of things anywhere else. I don't necessarily want help; I just want someone to listen.
     
  11. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Yup, SF is a great place to come to for assurances, if people listening helps, no problem but those listening will always be thinking about whats best for you.
     
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