Practicing the best fake smile

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 9, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I had a really bad day yesterday and a bad night as well.

    Visiting my mother who abused me my entire life (and thinks she did me a favour) is by enough, add to it that she lives next to the grade school where i was bullied and sexually abused for 7 years.

    And then she decides to talk about my father out of the blue. How disappointed and hurt she was that he refused to be part of my life...

    Then she drove me past the house where I was brutally raped 13 years ago. And I couldn't handle more.

    I've been pretending to be okay... but under my sleeves I'm hiding so many new cuts and one won't stop bleeding. I'm so scared it will bleed through the bandaids and my sleeves.

    I have to attend a small family lunch today. I have to laugh and smile... and try to get between the complaining from my aunt about how her dentist is crazy for wanting her email and my mum being annoyed that her aunt can't say the words 'thank you'

    I can't do this
  2. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I dislike see in you so distressed just because you stupid mother is insensitive to you!!! I'm so sorry she don't understand!!

    Is the shirt right or a little loose??? Maybe you could wrap toilet paper over it.....or even better paper towel. I'm not sure how much time you have or how painful the wound is but sometimes running it under cold water can help stop it but it may take awhile and you may need to spend awhile im the bathroom so I totally understand if that's not appropriate to do or will cause your mum or someone to figgure out what you are doing.

    Please hang i there i know how hard these trips are for you.......I know how hard this is and I should take my own advice on this myself but maybe it's time to start thinking about your self and starting to limit visits to you mum's and think of your own health and safety for once. BUT I totally understand how hard that is to do as so much easier to say than do......

    Just know that no matter what I will be here to support you though this the best i can
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I made it home but I'm still a mess. I'll go for a trip to a store and see if that at least helps me...
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi. I'm sorry it was such a difficult time for you. I hope going to the store resets you to a more positive train of thought. *hug*
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  5. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter


    Why do you "have to attend" familly stuff? Maybe you'd do better if you would avoid your mother?

    Just a thought.

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  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Glad you're home my friend. Relax and take care of yourself now. It's sad that your mother "doesn't get it" but some people never do. Bless you (((hugs)))
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    ((hugs)) Also glad you are home now. I think you need to stand up for yourself more and say no, just no to your mom sometimes. I know that sounds hard but it will be for the best.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you all of you.

    I am still not totally okay... but I'm fighting to get there. (as some cosmic joke, the one thing that always works to cheer me up is on a 2 weeks vacation and doesn't have his own laptop and I can't reach him (my BF)). But I'll be okay...

    The thing is... if I don't see my mother, I don't see the rest of the family either. My family is very small... it's my mum, my aunt and my mum's aunt... and then we have some other family we rarely see (though I'm invited to a big family get-together in 3 weeks).

    My friends live far away... we spread around the country after college... we still stick together, especially my best friend and I...

    I have tried to cut contact with my mother after a bad christmas some years back, it lasted for 3 months. And it was horrible. It hurts me too. And it never taught my mother anything. She blames my problems on everyone else... In her head she was the best mother I could have asked for.

    Blegh. Any child would love to have a mother who kicks them, smacks them, throws plates at them, spits at them, sits on them, twists their arms, holds them under icy cold shower, washing their tongues with soap or mustard, and never once hugging them and comforting them. Never once allowing them to think that their own mother could love them...

    I see how lucky I was.

    Of course it's only the bullying and my absent father that f*cked me up. The sexual abuse and rape though... that's something according to her you just get over. And oh yeah... especially since it was 'my own fault' anyway...

    I talked about it with my therapist... she is in two minds about this. I would be better off without my mother... but without her, I have no family left at all... and my friend-network is not strong enough.

    And here goes me overthinking to extremes... it hurts knowing that if I have children I will never be able to leave my mother alone with them, not for a second... and one day they will want to spend a weekend with their grandma and I'll have to say no... and one day the question will come "why can we never go to grandma's??" and... what if they think it's their fault?

    Brian777 likes this.
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I can understand the situation you're in and it is difficult. Family is good to have, I miss my Mom, but I was fortunate to have parents who cared for and loved me. I don't know why your Mom was like she was, usually it stems from the way they were treated as children, it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with though. I'm just glad you have your boyfriend to depend on and of course us on this site. Hope you feel better my friend. Bless you
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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