Hi. So I have no clue where to start here. I'm almost 25 and I'm a Marine deploying next week to Afghanistan. I've been married for a year and a half, no kids. I've been having a lot of love life problems mainly due to my complete lack of sexual desire. I had an abortion early in the relationship because I was transferring to a new unit which was rumored to deploy soon and I was afraid of looking like a "typical female marine" of course there were other factors too this was also before my husband and I married. I am to the point now where I am completely numb in my genitals if I feel anything at all it is pain and discomfort I have seen a doctor and I am STD free. I suffer severe anxiety and I hate it when people look at me. I won't even leave my house to go jogging because people will see me. Things have been getting worse and worse at home and my husband is less patient with me. I fear losing him everyday. I am the only female deploying with my company on the enlisted level. The guys are always giving me shit and treat me like a lesser person. I have no friends there. I either completely starve myself or I eat so much I will puke if I move too fast. I always think about the worst outcome in life no matter what the situation and lately I have had non stop uncontrollable thoughts of losing complete control. I feel so much rage inside me I think I won't be able to control it anymore oneday and that I will go on a rampage of destruction. I always think about killing people and desroying things. I just want to flip out and break stuff and make people hurt and I have no idea why. I don't usually think about anyone specific other than people from work. And I never think about hurting animals they have been my best friends in life. I don't think of hurting "friends" or family just people who piss me off and people who are ignorant and inconsiderate. But the feelings are so intense. I have extremely detailed fantasies about killing people. I envision the whole world exploding and everything on fire and crashing into things. I know these thoughts are not normal and I don't like thinking them. I don't wanna think about how much I hate the people I work with because I might need them to save my life and they might need me and I hope they don't think of killing me too. I'm so angry all the time and usually for no reason or because I am really stressed out about all the things I need o get done that I can't get done because I don't have the time or energy or patience etc. I am afraid that if I go to war in this state of mind that there is no hope and I prolly won't last very long. I don't even know if I am suicidal maybe I am just screwed up in the head. I'll have to finish this later because I forgot what else I wanted to say. thanks for your time