Predeployment Blues

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by WhyDoINeedOne, Oct 16, 2008.

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  1. WhyDoINeedOne

    WhyDoINeedOne New Member

    Hi. So I have no clue where to start here. I'm almost 25 and I'm a Marine deploying next week to Afghanistan. I've been married for a year and a half, no kids. I've been having a lot of love life problems mainly due to my complete lack of sexual desire. I had an abortion early in the relationship because I was transferring to a new unit which was rumored to deploy soon and I was afraid of looking like a "typical female marine" of course there were other factors too this was also before my husband and I married. I am to the point now where I am completely numb in my genitals if I feel anything at all it is pain and discomfort I have seen a doctor and I am STD free. I suffer severe anxiety and I hate it when people look at me. I won't even leave my house to go jogging because people will see me. Things have been getting worse and worse at home and my husband is less patient with me. I fear losing him everyday. I am the only female deploying with my company on the enlisted level. The guys are always giving me shit and treat me like a lesser person. I have no friends there. I either completely starve myself or I eat so much I will puke if I move too fast. I always think about the worst outcome in life no matter what the situation and lately I have had non stop uncontrollable thoughts of losing complete control. I feel so much rage inside me I think I won't be able to control it anymore oneday and that I will go on a rampage of destruction. I always think about killing people and desroying things. I just want to flip out and break stuff and make people hurt and I have no idea why. I don't usually think about anyone specific other than people from work. And I never think about hurting animals they have been my best friends in life. I don't think of hurting "friends" or family just people who piss me off and people who are ignorant and inconsiderate. But the feelings are so intense. I have extremely detailed fantasies about killing people. I envision the whole world exploding and everything on fire and crashing into things. I know these thoughts are not normal and I don't like thinking them. I don't wanna think about how much I hate the people I work with because I might need them to save my life and they might need me and I hope they don't think of killing me too. I'm so angry all the time and usually for no reason or because I am really stressed out about all the things I need o get done that I can't get done because I don't have the time or energy or patience etc. I am afraid that if I go to war in this state of mind that there is no hope and I prolly won't last very long. I don't even know if I am suicidal maybe I am just screwed up in the head. I'll have to finish this later because I forgot what else I wanted to say. thanks for your time
  2. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    except for the fact that i have depression myself, i'm not an expert but to me it sounds like you are at least depressed, that doesn't mean you're screwed up in the head, just unwell. Is there any way you could get a psych evaluation before you are deployed? That way if there is something wrong it will be spotted and you can start to receive help for it

    have you had any other tests to find the cause of the pain and discomfort you've had since having an abortion? did the doctor you saw about STDs know you had had one? i think sometimes things can go wrong in the operation so you should look into it to make sure you'll be ok

    sorry about all the questions, you don't have to answer them, but maybe think about them and see what you can do. Please look after yourself :hug:
  3. In short - I don't think there's any way in hell that you should be going over to Afghanistan in the state you are in!! Y'all are a tough, noble, and dedicated lot, but in the end, you're still human. And yeah - I too think you should get a psych evaluation. I know - no one wants that if they're enlisted - and there's still a lot of stigma attached (subtly or overtly) - but you gotta start working on YOU first, Hon...

    If you feel like this now, I can't even begin to imagine what going into such another horrendous scene would do to you...

  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I do not think you should be deployed at this time based on the state of mind you are in. Not only for the safety of yourself, but that of others. You are putting your unit at risk. I, too, think you should be evaluated. For your own safety and that of others, please let them know your state of mind.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I also don't think that you should go to Afghanistan right now. You sound like you need help and you shouldn't be fighting in a war when you're mentally unstable. To be a good soldier, you have to be mentally stable, because people's lives are in your hands. Plus, Afghanistan is a complete hell hole. We Canadians have lost nearly 100 soldiers, since we took over from the Americans who were too busy invading Iraq. Also, since you're having feelings of killing people, it's probably best that you don't have an assault rifle in your possession. Otherwise, innocent lives could be lost. Please get help. :hug:
  6. SarahBeara

    SarahBeara New Member

    This is more than "Predeploymeny Blues". You need to step back for a second and think about what is more important to you- your life and husband or your "reputation" or "impression" at your unit. What you should conclude is that YOU come before everything else. Going to war is not something to be taken lightly. It is a high stress, surreal situation. You will not have your typical outlets and you will be pushed to the max every day. Even when you're not working, you are still in a war zone. If you are unsteady on your feet now, it will not improve in country. You will be walking around every day with your weapon at your side and ammo in your pocket. If you are already having detailed fantasies about hurting/killing others and/or yourself, you need to talk to Mental Health. You need to talk to someone in your command with whom you feel comfortable.

    Your reasons are very valid, do not for a second think that they are not. It is hard being a female in the military and even harder being an enlisted female. And, to top it off, you are an enlisted female Marine. Don't hesitate with this. Go TODAY and talk to Mental Health. They are there specifically for situations like this. Tell your command exactly what you typed in this thread. You can even print it out and read it to them or just hand it to them. E-mail them. You can flat out state that you don't want to look like you are trying to "get out of" anything. You can say that you feel guilty for bringing this up, but you are suicidal/homicidal, etc and have been feeling that way for however long. Tell them that if they deploy you without treating you, you are a liability to them. They cannot deny you proper medical treatment.

    You need to be assertive with this. You need to get yourself help before the situation worsens.

    Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
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